great story i really want a sequel to this

u did great! i just want to say to whoever that was who was saying about esme being ooc well ya know what if u go to the story "Life Happens, So Just Deal With It" by mama4dukes u would see that in that story Esme says fuck over 5 times in one sentence seriously i like really dont reply to stupidness but you were very off about OOCness okay

[{*[in my Nicki Minaj Voice]*}]

Love,

Nicki M.

you story i liked it and i am all for a sequal

Additionally, you've introduced two characters pretty much by name only. The don't appear much and have few lines. What's the point of them appearing in the story? They don't further your plot and as a plot device, they are very weak and one dimensional. The point of writing is to bring the characters to life. If you can't breath life into a character and they don't furhter the plot, cut them from draining the life out of your stronger characterizations.

Finally, you've got some characters completely out of character. For example, Esme would never say fuck. And if she did, she wouldn't bother to get after someone else for "language, Rena". If you're going to OoC one, you've got to change the entire environment from which they were created. Explain why a character who is normally expected to be sweet and ladylike is all of a sudden cussing like a field hand.

You have a 10,000 word fic here, but 2,000 were copy and paste of lyrics - that's 4 pages of nothing to further your plot. If you want to use a song as inspiration, then weave your story around the ideas and feelings a song invokes in your head. Don't just paste lyrics. If your readers are really interested, they'll go look up the song lyrics themselves. If you must quote lyrics, do so sparingly. Also, limit the number of songs you do actually use. One or two for a short story like this would have been plenty.

love the story

a sequel would be awesome

VAMPIRES CAN'T CRY!

WHAT HAPPENED TO SERENA? GOOD ANYWAYS LOVE THE SONGS

Aww that Ž a gucik story I thought ¥u were going to have something happed to Rena r whatever her name Ž punished

rena has to be verry mad and try to kill bella

plz

plz

your #1 reader

please update soon

please add more...

love it

I really like this story. And Esme getting pissed off in chapter 10 was creative genius. I like that you rhymed -stay- and -way- in one of the last chapters.

I would love to have a sequel for this story it was amazing )