Reviews for The Aftermath - FanFiction.Net

Reviews For: The Aftermath

Lorilei Mackenzie 2008-05-14 ch 3,	abuseHm, I loved how you used repetition in this chapter to make your point. It really did add to the scene. And when he had succeeded, I could picture him smiling like he does in Origins...was that intended? To show he was still in all sense of the word, human? If so, I must say you pulled it off. Side note...if I am going to include Ba'nee in my story, do you want to know some of my story ahead of time so you can incorporate it in yours? Or perhaps you'd rather have me set mine after yours? What say you, hm?
Fan Fan Girl 2008-05-07 ch 3,	abuseHey, I think that sleeping Geldoblame is interesting! He can't molest people when's he asleep, that's interesting! Just to let you know, Imma be reviewing this as a I read so it might get kind of crazy in here. Disoriented. You know? Oh gosh, wobbly falling Geldoblame is so kyoot. :3 [He stopped again, composing his features into something acceptable, something Imperial.] You might want to make the "i" in "Imperial" lower-case because in this instance that word looks like an adjective, not a noun. Otherwise, you need to put "like that of an" before "Imperial." I think. And again, later on, you need to uncapitalize (...is this a word?) the "e" in "Emperor" in [He growled at her, unimpressed, disgruntled, that he, the Emperor, was being treated like a sickly pet.] You only capitalize a title like that when it's before someone's name. For example, you can say that Geldoblame is the emperor, but people refer to him as Emperor Geldoblame. straitened = straightened [his, she was capable of fixing.] Capitalize "his" plzkthx. Okay, now this chapter seemed to make Geldoblame's first few steps a little too dramatic, but it's no big deal really. You wrote this well for the most part and I enjoyed seeing Baby Steps Geldoblame. Can't wait for Melodia!
Fan Fan Girl 2008-04-19 ch 2,	abuseYes, this chapter seemed short, but only because the other chapter was so long. Oh well, at least you have updated! That makes me happy, because I'm really curious to see where you take this thing. For one thing, I'm wondering why the Imperials would let Geldoblame live. If they don't intend to reinstate him as Emperor, why put so much effort into keeping him alive? And wouldn't Melodia hear some word of his survival? She could probably predict his reaction to her betrayal and, knowing that an angry Emperor who might be able to rally the support of his people wouldn't be in her best interest, get rid of him quickly. Why hasn't she? Or will she at all? Another thing. Why does he have a human body? Does that mean that Malpercio's influence was taken from him completely? Hmm. Also, do you really think that Geldoblame would have thrashed around so much in the beginning of this chapter? I kind of thought that he was over-reacting... I mean, so much for imperial bearing and stuff... Hehe. Anywho, this story makes me insanely happy. I can't wait until you update it next! In the past couple of months, there's been nothing but drabbles and short stories, so it's a nice change of pace to see a multi-chaptered fic getting updated. Hooray! Now one or two notes on grammar. It's not "reoccuring," it's "recurring." "He screamed again, eyes clenched shut, but, this time, he expected the pain." You could probably take out at least one of the commas in there. Seemed excessive to me, but if you have a reason for all of them then that's okay. "Yes, he had fought Kalas and his little rag-tag gang with his new body." Um, pronoun confusion. >_< To avoid this, you could take out the "his" before "little" and replace it with something else, like "that" or actually "Kalas' little rag-tag gang." That's all. Keep up the excellent work!
Lorilei Mackenzie 2008-03-15 ch 1,	abuseAwesomeness! This chapter is really well written. And I agree, we should start a Geldoblame fandom yeah. He is such a neglected character but my heart ached for him at the end of Origins. I suppose the only thing I noticed wrong was that "degree" was spelled "decree". Degree is a measurement, decree is a declaration of an official sort. Other than that tiny detail, I loved it. I can't wait to see more! Keep it up!
Fan Fan Girl 2008-03-13 ch 1,	abuseI was seriously going to review this like weeks ago. Seriously. ;-; Believe me! This story is awesome. I am a huge fan of originality. And you, my friend, are ORIGINAL. I love it I love it I love it! I was going to complain and say that I've also written about Geldoblame... but I can't say that I've written him as a/the main character. He's always in the background in my stories. So you definitely get points for this story. Like fifty billion points. The first time I tried to read this chapter, I was eating yogurt. Haha. "Karo dropped to the bloodstained ground, shaking and hurriedly wiping his mouth. He slipped in the blood and he fell, legs splayed painfully, to the edge of the ground, inches away from the bubbling lava, as well as a twisted, screaming face and agonized, mutilated body- one tentacle-like appendage where an arm should be flailing pitifully as its owner screamed again. The appendage slapped at his face as an overheated, meaty hand gripped at Karo's hair." Holy shiznit. You are amazing. The description is wonderful and definitely enough to churn my stomach. That's what I like the most about this piece, I think. It's gruesome but at the same time so interesting that I want to - no, have to - keep reading. The detail is excrutiating but also keeps me wanting to know how Geldoblame is going to recover from this mess. Great writing. The only critcism I have about your style, though, is word choice. And I guess overdoing it. Believe me when I say that you are not overdoing it, but I'm just going to warn you. As a whole, the words of the story all fit well together. But occasionally, every little once in awhile, I see a word that could be deleted. I don't want you to go tossing out words left and right now, but be aware that once you've described something, it doesn't need to be clarified much further unless you have something new to bring to the angle. For example: The burns were first decree, ugly(!) and grotesque(!), taking up most of the left side of body, and the lava he had been apparently dunked in had eaten most of the fat on his body away. The skin showing on his right side, that hadn't been very badly burnt, was pinkish in hue, and raw, unbelievably painful, and decidedly disgusting to touch, even with gloves on. His left arm was the worst- it was, seemingly, partially a tentacle; covered with rubbery skin and scales that were ripping off as the arm transformed into how it should be, and it was oozing blood. It smelled disgusting(!) and rank(!), like a burning corpse. The ones I marked with exclamation marks are words that I would delete if I were you. It sounds like you are just lining up synonyms to me. But the rest of the paragraph, MAN, you inspire me. I wish I could write detail like you. Hahaha. Other than that, the only other thing that I did not worship was your original characters. I hate Ba'nee. But that's just my own opinion, so please go charging ahead with the next chapter! :3 I look forward to the next installment with writing anticipation!
Cotoprius 2008-03-04 ch 1,	abuseCurses. You have totally distracted me from my homework. Amazing that he's survived..And I usually don't care for them, but I like these non in-game characters. Especially Ba'nee. whispers Do you think, just maybe that a Geldoblame fandom is possible? Loved the writing. Will be waiting for Chapter 2.

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