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| Sgt Andy McNab 2008-06-21 ch 1,  | abuseA good chapter and i hope ther is more still to come |
| Zan67 2008-03-31 ch 1, | abuseNot a bad start. Work on proper spelling though, noticed some mess-ups here and there. Nothing too big. Once again, not a bad start. Hope to see the next chapter up soon! |
| OmalleyFlowers 2008-03-21 ch 1, | abuseAGHH!! WHY! They were so cool... |
| FlyingAlpha 2008-03-11 ch 1, | abuseThere could be much more detail added to this story, especially near the end. It felt like it was too rushed. There were also some problems with your sentence structures. Your first sentence was alright, but the other sentences in the paragraph weren't used correctly. "The feel, the smell, even the people. All the staff looked at their patients as though they were animals at the zoo. Which was why he was happy that he would be able to leave the next day." Those sentence fragments should be completed, for example: "He hated the feel, the smell, even the people. All the staff looked at their patients as though they were animals at the zoo, which was why he was happy that he would be able to leave the next day. For your first sentence "The feel, the smell, even the people.", there was no verb in it, only a subject. "Which was why he was happy that he would be able to leave the next day." is considered a sentence fragment because even though you have a subject and a verb, it would not make sense if it stands alone. Essentially, it was a phrase more than a sentence. Also, the use of the colon in, "He had been admitted to the military hospital for treatment involving:" is a little iffy. Due to the fact that this is a story, you should avoid listing his injuries in such a style, especially since the four sentences after it are all sentence fragments. The rest of that whole section also has this same problem. You were probably trying to avoid run on sentences, thats why you put a period after almost every sentence fragment. There were a few words you forgot to capitalize. However, overall the storyline is fairly original. I would recommend lengthening and revising this story for more character development. Although this isn't very easy to do if you're an inexperienced writer, try to make the reader actually care for the character, so the events that affect the character feel much more significant. Best of luck on your other stories, and hopefully you'll continue writing. FlyingAlpha |