Oh, this isn't bad! I like it!

ALOT.

nice...hm but i still like sasux naru ones...

if they're threesomes with sakura try a sasu seme, naru uke, naru seme to saku...

get it?

okay if i draw a picture sasuke on top, naruto in middle, and sakura on bottom xD now thats hot!

*takes in a deep breath* Well, it was good of you to warn us it was your first. I can't really say anything exept that it was... semi-good for a first time. I mean, I'm positive you'll get better with practice. The only reason I'm having trouble swallowing the pill is because of the Nar/Sas in there. Its just my preference, so it definatly made the story go down for me. Spelling errors and a few paragraghs errors, but overall, pretty good for a first. Just keep it up! Thanxs! :) :p ;)

P.S. I also can't say anything because my first lemon actually turned out awesome. (head grows bigger at that last comment) Of course I studied up first. Heh... I'm not trying to say I'm perfect, but I love my first lemon! I think I did an excellent job & appartly, so did a lot of people! hehe!

Not bad, not bad at all considering it is a 3 way Lemon and they have to be harder than a normal 2 in the bed Lemon.

I see you've tinkered with the story to alter the paragraphing from the original upload and this reads so much better.

I'm not sure how I cam criticise what you have because it is pretty good, I have seen some Lemons in the past that as so short and non-descriptive that they are pointless but yours has description and flow. The only way you can improve any writing is by experience and practice, by that I mean write more and more until you can read it back and see every action in your mind, smell every fragrance and hear every sound that is mentioned. Keep writing anf have fun with it.

well.. your room isn't the cleanest one in the world,

but you know it was a really good try especially since it was your first lemon

for your first lemon it was good

make the pharagrahps into smaller senteces so it's easier to read

well... thats good for your first lemon i guess. one suggestion though, make smaller paragraphs. :D