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| reviewer 2008-05-01 ch 4, anon. | abusehmmph |
| Remmak 2008-03-11 ch 2,  | abuseAlrighty. I hesitate to say much because I've seen your three or so attempts here lately, and I don't want to discourage you, but there's a lot of room for improvement here. I'm ambivalent about the creation of a new race, particularly one as highly unlikely as you've presented them. Changing age and hair color at will? Using swords? *Possible* use of mind control? Too much, too much. You can do a lot with one or two quirks, but too many and it's unrealistic and fake. The physical touch communication vs facial expression would be pretty odd in and of itself, yet I could also picture that. I could honestly believe that might simply be an extension of their language/customs, but the other stuff? Too far out. If it were my story, I'd probably cut out the rest and focus on this detail, because it can be depicted in a character's interactions with others well, and that makes them real. Also, you tend to contradict your own presentations. You suggest that many Citadel citizens have never seen a Ciliaon, yet you also say that they have become influential enough to already be getting a seat on the Council? The humans were integrated for some time and only just recently got a seat. Finally, I didn't get this line "The Krogan smirked at the hostile exchange, before following the Commander back out of the Tower, leaving Eedane to ponder over the exchange – one that she had most definitely won." I didn't really get that much of an exchange was even taking place, much less that someone won/lost it. The petty 'I won' statement also seems hypocritical and counter to your character's dislike for being looked down on, unless that's the depiction you're aiming for, which I doubt. I'd be happy to help you along if you need assistance in fleshing out your characters or plotline. I do want you to continue writing, because to be honest, I'm tired of being bludgeoned with Shepard fics. :) Hope I didn't sound too harsh. Drop me a PM if you like. - Remmak |
| wyvernrider 2008-03-09 ch 2, anon. | abuseInventing a new species? Creative. The Ciliaons certainly seem like an interesting bunch, given some of their traits... Love of music, heightened visual abilities... Keep it up. I'd like to see where this goes. ;D |
| tigger79 2008-03-09 ch 2, | abuseLike the story line keep writing. I really like the new alien species! |