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| Falkun 2008-03-13 ch 1,  | abusea decent idea, however this story is littered with spelling errors, grammar errors, and you really need to learn to paragraph better, you also switch from one scene to the next rapidly and without warning, causing confusion and massive headaches as one tries to follow along without much success. You seriously need to invest in a pre-reader or two, and have them go over your spelling and grammar, also try to put in seperators when switching from one scene to the next, you jump from Nodoka fiddling with a computer to a girl in dark robes, without any warning at all, and it makes it seem like the two are in the same room together. As I said before, you've got a great idea here, however you need to work on the delivery of that idea, and clean this up tremendously |
| AshK 2008-03-13 ch 1, | abuseNice start! Sincerely, AshK |