Reviews for Every Life is a Story, rewrite

Reviews For: Every Life is a Story, rewrite

RNS Intrepidwriter 2008-05-21 ch 7,	abuseThe last two chapters have seemed to be not quite as good as what the ones before them were. I have a feeling that you haven't been consentrating on making certain that the chapters are the best that you can make them. They almost seem to be hurried in ways. here's one section that i don't like at all, : "If he was just another fardling boy who wanted her because of Minia she would see to it that he was made incapable of a mating flight anytime soon." that sentence is a quick fix. All that needs to be done is change a part to, "...Minia, she would..." there are pleanty of other things that can be fixed in this chapter. i won't go through all of them because i just don't have the time right now. one last thing, the storm that approches just doesn't seem quit right the way you have it. if it was a known storm that was big, such as a hurricane, no doubt they wouldn't have ventured out in front of the storm system. I just got to thinking, is this story pre- or post AIVAS? if it's post AIVAS, then it's actually likely that he could be able to track this system as this is a Harper Hall mission he's on by using Yokohama's sensors controlled down at Landing. While they're not weather satalites, they may be able to provide some information on the weather patterns. I could be compleatly wrong, of course. Just slow down on writing out the chapters and go through them carefully. hopefully the next one is better.
truegold-dragonstar 2008-05-13 ch 7,	abuseHow the hell can he know that the storm is going to reach them shortly and without warning? It doesn't matter how good a knowledge of weather patterns he has, he hasn't got satellite observation. If he knew the storm was somewhere an hour off (or whatever), he might be able to make calculations about when it would reach them, but Pern doesn't have the communications system to let him have that. Unless he's been talking to dragonriders, and I think Caleea would probably have noticed that, you know... On the negative side, this chapter reads a bit hurried - it's kind of like being buried under a deluge of action and emotion. But it's only the syntax and style that could use a little work - the actual content is great, and I'm really looking forward to finding out where they're off to. How come Val now knows but I still don't? No fair! ;-P Keep writing! t-d
truegold-dragonstar 2008-04-29 ch 6,	abuseOk, I have to say I'm a little confused this time around. It may be mostly me (I'm not really on the ball right now...), but I don't get this at all. Why does F'rel have to approach her in such a secretive way? She was wandering around outside by herself for hours the previous day, it would've been much easier to get hold of her then if he needed to talk to her. Then she comes into the Hold thinking 'I need to tell Val everything before breakfast', but when she finds him waiting for her she just randomly decides that he's 'practically asking' to be teased instead, then she gets SERIOUSLY suggestive, and then backs out... ok, I can kind of see that with the new flirtatious Caleea you've got, but I don't know... it just doesn't all add up somewhere. Also, just in terms of practical considerations, why time it? They'd be way more likely to be caught sneaking in and out with only a few minutes between than they would if they left it a couple of hours. And she'd have been wiped out throughout her discussion with F'rel, not just when she got back, since those are the two times she's having in parallel, so she probably wouldn't have got much idea of what he was after - not considering her irrational behaviour later on. There are good things in this chapter - I like this new plot with a dragonrider in (hell, this is the dragons of Pern, right?), and I'm interested in this new guy (is it what's-his-name who was in the old one made over for the new version, or is it someone completely new?), but overall I think you need to read back through this chapter for consistency. Unless you think this whole long ramble is just a load of semi-conscious rubbish because I'm about as wiped as Caleea, in which case, ignore it. See you around! t-d
RNS Intrepidwriter 2008-04-23 ch 2,	abusethere was one other thing that i wanted to say. speed isn't really an issue with fanfiction. take your time and plan out the stories. i know i'm guilty of updating stories when i wasn't ready.
RNS Intrepidwriter 2008-04-23 ch 5,	abuseinteresting chapter. you are deffinatly starting to write some great chapters that are easier to follow now. there's just one sentence that confused me was, "The boys, er, interested in her and her fire-lizard had..." i don't really know exactly what you meant. what i think was that you meant the sentence to be, "The boys, er, interest in her and her fire-lizard had..." other than that, great job. can see a little bit of romance in the story, but also a lot of room for unexpected twists. compleatly different from the origional where right off the bat i knew exactly what the story would be like. good luck with the rest of the story. can't wait.
truegold-dragonstar 2008-04-23 ch 5,	abuseOh, now THAT'S interesting... I never had Caleea pegged as the flirtatious type. Not that it doesn't work. It works. In fact it adds a whole new layer to her character, given that she is now (albeit in the nicest possible way) trying to manipulate Val. I also like the hints of the coming plot in this chapter. Don't worry about regular updates, by the way. It's better to have them good than to have them often. Keep writing! t-d ps - Val "confiscated" the necklace, did he? ;-)
truegold-dragonstar 2008-04-12 ch 4,	abuseThat's really cool! Like... instant backstory, personality, and thoughts from Mr Inscrutable! Ok, more sensibly, I think the letter was a really clever idea to get us inside Val's head, and of course it let you keep some secrets as well. Which will undoutably come out in time... On the minus side, it's a pity we lost Caleea's side of that first day, especially the teaching (unless you still plan to have that in the next chapter?). It was really sweet the way she got so confused when Val helped her! Also one tiny thing - the comment Val makes about the performing going fine 'unlike the teaching earlier'. There's nothing blatantly wrong about it, but it gave me a kind of wrong feeling - why would Val expect something to go wrong? He wouldn't (unless Caleea is habitually nervous, which I certainly don't get the impression of), and so it sounds like this comment is a hangover from the revision, because obviously before the evening DID go wrong too. Anyway, keep up the great work! t-d
RNS Intrepidwriter 2008-04-12 ch 4,	abusenicely written. i think that if you keep making the improvements that you are, this story will be great, though i think i've already said that earlier. also, i love the unique chapter. i've not seen too many fanfics use letters as chapters, but i think that it works well with this story.
truegold-dragonstar 2008-04-05 ch 3,	abuseGood. There isn't a lot of change in this chapter, but because of the alterations you've already made it seems like it fits in better and makes more sense. Well done. t-d ps - sorry I never got back to you, my life is a bit hectic at present... hey, if you want to send them to Southern, send them to Southern! It's just that the way it happened before the whole story suddenly changed into a survival problem, and it really threw me. Better to stick with the whole crime aspect, I think.
RNS Intrepidwriter 2008-04-04 ch 3,	abuseSorry for not reviewing last chapter. I think that this story is getting much better the farther you go. Both chapters were excellent. Just can't wait to see what happens to them.
truegold-dragonstar 2008-03-31 ch 2,	abuseStill much better. I'm interested to see that you're now setting up a complete plotline to occur in Nerat - I assume they're not going to land up on a beach in Southern in the new scheme of things! Was Jiri always young, or is that new? There is no point to this question, I just definitely had the impression that she was old before... Anyway, keep it going strong! t-d
OnyxDrake 2008-03-30 ch 2,	abuseMuch, much better! This is far easier to get into. Just watch out for overusing words that end in "ly". It's not wrong using those words, but I just picked up that you're using them quite a lot when stronger choices would have been sufficient.
RNS Intrepidwriter 2008-03-23 ch 1,	abuselet me just say that this is many, many times better than what it was. if you keep up the great work, this will be a very well writen story. Like a previous reviewer, however, I think that the last paragraph is just a little confusing. Keep up the great work.
truegold-dragonstar 2008-03-23 ch 1,	abuseWhoa! I mean, I don't hate you or anything, but the whole new version thing takes adjusting to... Having said that, this is 300% better. Have a VERY LARGE cookie. You've smoothed out a lot of the rough points, and just generally tightened up the storyline - it makes more sense, it flows better, and I get a stronger idea of the characters from the word go. Now (look, the day I can't find ANY nitpicks you'll know the end of the world is approaching), just a couple of things: - What on earth possessed Caleea to lie for Val (the whole 'convincing them he was with her' thing) on the very first day they'd met? - And check out the last paragraph or two - I had to read that a couple of times before I figured out that Caleea thinks someone has discovered something missing which Val must have stolen. I think. IS that what's meant? Now you just have to makeover the rest at this quality AND keep it going when you get to the new bits. Good luck! t-d

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