Hey! Well, I am actually alive and returning to review your last chapter. It's stupid that it took me so long to do this, but this summer has been way more hectic than I would ever have expected. Whirlwind, man. I haven't really had access to a computer much lately, but I still should have done this earlier...

Anyway, onto the chapter.

I enjoyed this quasi-religious discussion between Daego and the aliens. To my untrained eye their religion seemed to bear a resemblance to Hinduism. The three gods, specifically. Did you draw your inspiration from that or am I grasping at straws? Either way, good work. They're some very deterministic aliens, that is sure. Freaking Calvinists! :P

And...that alarm. Pwned!

The one main critique I would offer for this chapter is a structural one. When you're writing an action scene, I'd *strongly* advise you to break up the scene into more than one paragraph. The paragraph you had was MASSIVE. And blocks of text are hard to read when looking at a screen.

But that's my only complaint. I also enjoyed the stupid argument between Zorn and his brother. I have friends that bicker incessantly like that. It was an annoying scene because it was so real. :P

Anyway, sorry it took me so long to get to this...I do feel bad about that. Argh. Well, take care man.

Yeah, "dangerous" is one word that can be used to describe a Jedi's job. :) Ah, it's so difficult to keep the gods satisfied, isn't it? And when the Sith are apparently doing the work of the gods... all I've got to say is run away.

Aw, I can just imagine little Zorn being taken the academy! I imagine that not too many siblings had the opportunity to be reunited in the same way. It's nice that that happened for them and that they knew who the other one was.

Looks like Jaxxon has a new trick to try out in the next chapter, eh? That should be interesting and hopefully successful, considering the circumstances.

The only thing I can really spot that you might want to look at is that large paragraph in the middle. It's a bit hard to read something so long in this site's format.

Overall, good chapter!

Take care, now!

Promised Flower

Oh my gosh, I LOVE the title of this chapter! "Old habits die hard... Sith don't." It's so true! Unless it's one of those that are just off the wall insane and practically kill whatever poor sap of a character I happen to be playing in whatever Star Wars game... not fun, man.

Wow, reading this chapter made me realize how out of the loop I've been with Star Wars. I'm not very into it right now, sadly. I think KotOR I would fix that right up! Unfortunately, that seems unlikely.

Have I mentioned lately that Jaxxon is a really interesting character for me? I can't pin it down exactly, but he's a lot of fun to read about.

Anyway. Once again the characters have found themselves in inevitable quagmires of difficulties and hardships and generally unpleasant circumstances. It is the way of everyone in fiction, is it not? With the exception being Dora the explorer, who is way too happy for her own good. No, I don't watch the show, but I have a little nephew who does. Donde esta mis amigos? Los sobre de la maleta? Cerca de mi casa? Estoy muy cansada porque hoy tengo que trabajar mucho. Pero la fin de semana voy a viajar! (And there's my limited and choppy Spanish for you).

Way to end it on kind of a cliffhanger, man. Now you have to update to let us know what the heck's going to happen next. Don't leave us hanging (get it? Cliffhanger, hanging? Lame, yes, but still oh so funny).

As usual, very nicely done.

Ah hah, you have a gaming addiction? There are many who suffer as you do, padawan. I myself get addicted when there is something that is worth the addiction. And I love Oblivion! Well, the most recent one, anyway.

Once again, nice work.

Hey there! I haven't been on the site much in a few months, so I'm sorry I missed reviewing these newer chapters. I see you haven't updated in a while, which I hope is not an indication that you've stopped with this story.

The character development with Maela and Zorn was fun to read (if fun is the right word...entertaining, let's say). As usual, you do a good job with balancing action and characters with all the other elements of your story. And we can never have too many Sith Lords! They're just too much fun!

Ah, your dream is to become a BioWare writing. I see. Work hard, you must, young padawan - through hard work are goals achieved. And...yeah, there's my lame Yoda impression. Feel free to mock at will.

Once again, great job!

YOU'RE ALIVE!

>_>

Heh, so yeah, first and foremost, that is my biggest surprise. It's been like...over three months since you've updated this story and almost that long since I've heard from you. Haha, good to see you back here, though. And I know what you mean about Oblivion. Well, not exactly, because I've never played Oblivion, but Bethesda got me hooked on Fallout 3 last month and I played the hell out of that game. Awesomeness! I'm sure Oblivion is similar.

Anywho, back to the story! You know, it's been so long that I could hardly remember what was happening when you stopped last. I had to go back and refresh briefly before reading this new chapter, so forgive me if I seem way off.

I think this worked well as a short sort of "interlude" chapter in between the bigger scenes. Jaxxon interacting with Keiran was cool, and it made me laugh when the alien suddenly shifted from his whacked out dialect into normal language. Nice touch.

Also, Fakan has to be the worst liar in the history of history. What kind of idiot tries to cover a break in and sabotage with a mutiny? That's almost worse! He's just asking to be killed. :P Honestly, I could imagine Fakan in this situation. Say if he, if he were a real life person, comes home late and his wife is all, "Where were you, gambling again?!" and he replies, "Actually, I was having an affair." Great job, Fakan. You rock. :P

Some good fighting at the end. Poor Lara. I think that having Jaxxon lose control like that is a good move, because up till now he has been pretty on top of things and has been the quintessential do-gooder Jedi. So good job with that. I remember doing a similar thing in my old story and you approving of it, so it's good to see we're consistent!

Good to see an update, hope another one comes soon. Put down that damn 360 controller. :P

Well, now I know how all of you felt when I kept posting those monstrous 10,0+ word chapters. It's a little bit intimidating. :P

This wasn't a chore to read, though, which is awesome. Good job keeping the action going. I was a little confused as to what the hell Fakan was trying to do, though. He sure seems to be of the dim-witted variety of Sith lords. Why did he not investigate further when the freighter showed up and his team found no one in it? Oh well, such is the life of an idiot Sith Lord guess. There sure are a lot of those...Malak, Sion, etc. They all seem to be a bit lacking in the intellectual departments. I suppose the Sith appeal to those types. :P

I like all the comparisons to A New Hope. It's pretty clear this chapter borrowed from that movie's template. You know, rampaging around a giant super-weapon with the meager hopes of shutting down the tractor beam and escaping the place. And the scene where Zorn does his Harrison Ford impression while talking on the comm. Nice.

You definitely seemed to have this whole chapter organized very effectively. It was clear what the main characters were doing and why. My biggest qualm, though, was that the Sith seemed a bit too...inept. I mean, yeah, the Sith Lords are generally egotistical morons who are willing to sacrifice all logic to personally slay the enemies, but Fakan should have been able to do *something* to impede Zorn and Maela's progress. :P They did seem rather uber-powerful too, as they did take down the entire ship by themselves. Even Obi had to sneak around all quiet-like in ANH. He didn't kill like 1,0 stormtroopers to bust out of there!

Of course, this is probably just preference. Most authors seem to enjoy making their characters very physically strong. I suppose I must have been dropped on my head as a child, because I tend to do the exact opposite (as you've seen). I like to make the heroes...somewhat loser-ish. I don't really know why. That's just how it always comes out. Although everyone sure complained that I made my characters all pushovers a while back. But oh well! This is, as I said, more of a preference than a stylistic thing. Jaxxon, for example, is obviously supposed to be very powerful, otherwise the story really wouldn't make that much sense. So pay me no heed.

The fight scenes were good, and I could get a clear picture of what was going on. I especially like it any time a Sith lord gets hit in the back of the head with a chair.

I do have a quick question, though. Why do the Sith speak so casually? Generally big, dark, creepy enemies like that border on the operatic (which admittedly unrealistic), but I found it a little bit unusual that Fakan would yell "Losers!" or some of the other things he said. But that probably tends towards preference again. Curse these preferences! :P

Anyway, good work. Nice to see this updated considering it's an original piece and I think this is the only SW one out there (that I am aware of). That's always good. Hope your next one comes soon.

Oy! I haven't been on the site for a while, so I was SO confused when I tried to review this chapter! They moved the Review button to the bottom of the page! I was like, "What the...? It won't let me submit a review?!" But then I found the little green button... I'm an observant person.

Anyway. This was a really entertaining chapter for me. I'm kind of jealous that you can do fighting so well, especially with so many people involved. And then at the end you were all like, "This is the first time I've done this kind of large scale fighting," and I was like, "Nuh uh! Dang! I wish I could do that!" Whew, good job, man.

Back to the overall story. Part of it was sad, other parts were funny, and it all came together very well. At some parts my head got all light, and then I realized I was holding my breath (Jaxxon's got some wicked tricks). The arena was a good setting for this, and to me it's kind of thought provoking. You know, the whole death-as-entertainment-for-the-masses thing that makes you wonder about people. I think you handled the fighting very well, and it was totally interesting to watch Jaxxon go through it all. He's a character that makes me want to stick around and see what happens next. There were some cool Force tricks in here, too, by the way. Scary, but cool. Like the giant ball of crushing death.

Genocid reminds me of those freaky bad guys in movies who come in slowly to kill the protagonist (or a loud, unsuspecting victim), and you're like, "Oh no, oh no, oh no!" and he just keeps coming! Like a crazy psycho stalker creature! That's way creepy to me. Eesh! Cool (and gnarly) how he didn't kill those two and instead set them up with their own lifetime amount of torture. There are so things worse than death.

Poor Jaxxon. Yes, the life of a Jedi is infinitely more complicated than that of a Sith, but isn't that why it's so interesting? He should see the philosophical side of his predicament. Plus it's kinda funny when he thinks it's annoying.

Wait, I see that someone wanted shorter chapters... They must be crazy. For me, this is not too long. And who says anyone has to read it in one sitting? Maybe I'm biased because I like to read more and not have to wait, but... Well, it's up to you. I'll take the chapters whatever way you want to serve them up.

It was a good chapter, well handled, and entertaining. Jaxxon's character (and the others, too, but particularly Jaxxon) is getting even more interesting. It'll be fascinating to see how he handles stuff coming up.

Once again, sorry it took me so long to review. I've been wanting to read this chapter for what seems like a long time, and I finally got a chance today! Thanks for the great chapter. Keep up the good work, Outlander.

Well, for your first attempt at large scale action, it certainly didn't show. You did a good job describing all of it so that the reader wasn't overwhelmed, and you also balanced it well with stomach-churning descriptions of ghastly violence! Nice! :P

In all seriousness, I thought you handled it quite well. If I had any complaint at all, it would be that the fighting did tend to last a little long, but it wasn't too overdone. I think you hit the right balance of fighting and not-fighting. Besides, this chapter was devoted to the fight anyway, so it hit the mark rather well.

The gladiatorial combat reminded me of the movie Gladiator. The crowd is all excited and supportive of the gladiator--to the point where the ruler is almost powerless to resist his influence. I was hoping that Jaxxon would fling his sword into the crowd and yell, "Are you not entertained?!" But that's just me. :P

All those poor Shelee that got thrown into the giant ball of death. It reminded me of that terrible movie Antz, although this wasn't comedic at all. Heh. I am a bit confused about Genocid, though. He seems to be very casual for a Sith Lord. I don't know why, I guess I kinda get that vibe from his manner of speech. It's nothing that's really a problem though.

Overall, well done. I look forward to more. Good job, and good luck!

Great chapter! LOL, I can imagine Lara and Kieren at least following him. Thanks for writing this. God bless!

Okay, so I was so captivated by this chapter that I almost missed my class today. Thanks for that :-).

I really think you've created two very likeable characters, which makes it extremely pleasant to read through the non-action parts. Laughed out loud at the Bantha mind trick part.

Couple of points I want to make, though. If you change perspective, it's better if you make that clear to your public. Type the first word in bold, for example.

And, please, shorter chapters :-). Just chop it up.

Last point: if you can use a simpler word, use it. 'Cogitation' doesn't really help speed up an action-packed episode of the story.

Of course these are only minor points. Just keep it going. A story of this scope is not easy to keep exciting, yet also deep enough to keep readers' attention focused on character development. Don't fall into the trap of too many secondary storylines. But, as I said, excellent up until now :-).

Ha! I laughed so hard when I read the beginning of your chapter! Daego grumbling about the Sith! and especially his "three main assets" made me laugh. :)

Interesting. You use British English. Does everyone teach British English? Curious.

Have I told you yet that I think you're crazy? But in a good way! I've written stories, but mine are in the fairly strict context of whatever story they are off of. You just barreled ahead and dove into a new area for your story. Gives you more freedom I know. I'm not sure I'd know what to do with all the freedom. Good on ya, mate! (I just watched Take Home Chef, if you know what that is).

The only thing I can suggest is putting breaks where the story changes from character to character, like the switch from Daego to Jaxxon and Co.

Good chapter, though. The Mared slaves made me sad... The next chapter sounds really interesting if possibly hard to resolve. I'll wait and see, then, shall I?

Good job once again, Outlander!

Good to see this updated. I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother, though. I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible, but that's always a crappy situation.

Anyway, as for the story. The more I read of this, the more I'm impressed with how much thought and detail went into the creation of the new planet and the races and all of the characters. It really is a complex setting, so that's really cool that you were able to pull it off. I mentioned this earlier, but I like Daego a lot. It's interesting to see a Jedi character who is really struggling with his lustful distractions, and he's even a highly ranked one, too. Altogether, it's really well done.

The only thing I would suggest--and I suggest this to a lot of people--is to put some kind of breaker or indication in the text when the scene is shifting. It's easy to get lost when the dialogue suddenly changes and two different characters are speaking. I usually have to read those sections twice to figure out what happened. Separating the scenes with a dash and an indentation or something would eliminate that problem. There were a few spelling errors; nothing worth mentioning except "unsuperiority" which is not actually a word. :P It would have been 'inferiority', unless, of course, you were just playing off of the arrogance of the characters and they have a propensity to mispronounce things. But alas...

That's just a technical thing, though. The rest of this story is really very good. I hope you're able to update it with more frequency in the future, but if not that's okay too. Just as long as you keep up the quality work! Great job!

Great chapter! Here's hoping Jaxxon wins... Thanks for writing this. God bless!

Hm... It seems I've already reviewed seven. I have difficulty remembering chapter boundaries. It's all like one story to me, which it is, only I can't seem to remember the chapters.

Ah, yes, I remember these early days in the story before things got way more complicated and Jaxxon got kidnapped and all that other bad stuff happened to him. The life of a Jedi is not an easy one, no siree.

But, like usual, good structure, good characters, good pacing of the plot. Although, I have to admit that your writing style does improve in later chapters. It's always a good story when things just get better as they go on. This is one of those stories.

So, I've just reviewed your chapters way out of order. Hope that doesn't bother you, but sometimes I read them and then have to review later. Besides, I've never been one to do things in order. I don't even go through the "Enter" door at Wal-Mart. I always go in the exit and out the enter. Same with parking lots. People get touchy about that kind of thing I guess.

Goed uitgevoerd! That's Dutch for "Well done!" At least I think it is... I don't actually speak another language, so I could be insulting you for all I know. Or it could mean something so totally incoherent that anyone who can breath a Dutch syllable will be appalled at my disuntalentedness (that's the only word I can use to describe it, I'm afraid).

Nicely done, Outlander. Once again you've got the right amount of action, people parts, dialog, and new things to make a very intriguing chapter. I repeat, Goed uitgevoerd! (Or whatever it means). Jaxxon is a very interesting dude. He's like, totally wicked, man. Now I'll review chapter seven. It's so exciting!