I'll be honest with you, Matrix Girl, because I believe that is the only way to improve. You make a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes. That could be because you're from the United Kingdom and I'm from America, but that doesn't matter.

Usually, I can't stand too many of these mistakes. It tends to bother me so much that I can't finish the story. But, you write in such a fascinating way that I want to get past the mistakes. I don't find my finger itching to push the back button.

Congratulations on your captivating writing,

Analese

This story seems a bit rushed. I think the concept is a good one, the action just happens like that. Couple of misspelled words, but other than that, it's a decent story.