  DarcTwin
2008-07-11 . chapter 1 I must say, I love your writing style. I had hoped, however, that you might have continued it just a bit longer. Anyway, it was a delight to read your story. |
 Violet Shadows
2008-06-22 . chapter 1Great idea and quite workable as a one shot. Unfortunately about halfway through it became excessivly cliche and melodramatic. While Rei's decision to hide herself as sailor Mars isn't OOC or unreasonable, your diolouge makes the decision seem excessivly blunt and almost childish in its admittance.
I especially like Endymons response, and your portrayal of Ami is good, however its an emotionally charaged segment when she reveals her feelings and seems to be a bit quick, it could probably be improved by elaborating a bit on it.
While I find Mars' melodrama annoying it isn't completely out of place and if you adjust the tone to make it seem more hystarical it would probably be fine, what I can't stand though is how you ended it. Ami's admittance is fine, but Rei's ability to so quickly shake off this undying love for Usagi and exchange Usagi for Ami makes her emotions seem childish, cliche, whimsical, and something of a travesty of true feeling. If you were trying to portray that, that's fine, but in that case the tone of most of the upper half of the story is essentially shot.
While its a good idea, and definitely workable, the second half feels rushed, unrefined, and is of a much lower quality then the upper half. My suggestion is to take a bit more time reading over future pieces, not just for spelling or grammer errors, but also to make sure the quality and tone is consistent.
Anyway that's my advice, I hope this helps your future pieces and this particular one if you ever revise it. |
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