Oh! I wasn't expecting that to happen! If only Tom hadn't been so stubborn. I hope to see what happens next and that Tom will be okay and he and Jason will patch things up. Please update soon.

Another excellent chapter. The backgrounds for Tom and Erin are very interesting. I look forward to the next chapter.

Very good again. I like the way the characters are written. I take it you based Tom's Monte Carlo on yoir own car. If so, then great! Keep up the good work with this fic.

Interesting start to this fic. I will enjoy reading the rest.

Write out ** words, you lying piece of **. God, I hope you aren’t really 18…

Not even past the first real paragraph and you’ve already raped the English language worse then your ** friend Miko. That takes some serious ignorance.

You need to learn how to capitalize.

Your Mary-Sues should die in a car accident and you shouldn’t write anymore. Hell, maybe it is just Miko’s bad influence?

Hello Gothic,

you seem like a reasonable person, so I'm going to give you some concrit. You don't deserve a flame because you haven't written particularly badly, though there are a few grammar issues here. This is intended as a heads-up. I'm not having a go at you, so please don't take this the wrong way.

Example:

"We're here to watch our brother lose his first street race" Geri said emotionlessly.

You're missing a comma after "race."

The following is a big no-no:

"Can you guys not do that? It creeps me out." (Katie)

"Yeah, Ditto" (Jason)

"Whatever." the twins said in unison.

Correction:

"Can you guys not do that? It creeps me out," said Katie.

"Yeah, ditto," Jason agreed.

"Whatever," the twins said in unison.

See the difference?

I suggest getting a beta reader to check your stories for errors. There are many writers' help forums on the site where you can ask for one. I occasionally do it, but mostly for those fandoms I'm familiar with. Oscarisamazing has given you some excellent advice. I think you should ask him or her to beta your story, so its full potential can be realized.

Happy writing! :D

I can't send messages yet, since I just re-registered, so I will respond to you here.

For one thing, I never once made reference to you being a gearhead...what I referenced was whether or not your characters are gearheads. If they are, that's fine, but I don't know that until later. Granted you could use that instance to demonstrate that they are gearheads by simply indicating that they know what the cars are by way of being gearheads. Actually, that would be good because then the whole "let's start a street-racing crew" thing wouldn't come as suddenly as it does (I read the rest of it btw, simply because I figured it might improve as time goes on and that I ought to give it a chance).

A lot of people saw The Fast and the Furious because it looked like an exciting flick, not necessarily because of a profound interest in cars, or because they were interested in the girls, and a lot of people (me included) may have just been interested in what people have done with The Fast and the Furious. By assuming that people know about cars, you're excluding a lot of people, which is never good. You put an author's note explaining the engines (which is good, because I know zilch about domestics of that era), so you clearly don't mind explaining things a bit.

Now that my reply is done, let me get onto my review of the rest of the story. To begin with, the relationships all seem a bit rushed, and not just the *relationships*. Take a chapter or two and let them get to know each other, maybe by building the cars or watching some races, and then introduce the relationships. Also, as stated previously, the all-of-a-sudden starting a racing crew kind of sent me for a spin. Even a little bit of foreshadowing would have remedied that, but the fact that for all we know, Geri and Chris know nothing about cars and are just there to support their brother, and dragged Jason and Katie along for the ride. Any mention at all of their interest in cars, maybe a passing comment about one of the cars being raced, would have been good.

The whole plot seems condensed down from something that should be twice as long. I absolutely understand why you would want to get through it, so maybe an outline or a chapter-by-chapter summary would be a good idea to get your ideas down before you lose them or lose interest. It would also give you and your partner a chance to do some brainstorming and make sure you're on the same page--that's how I would do it, at least, but it's your story.

The scene surrounding the two cars, though, was well-done. The pacing, the suspense, and the descriptions were all well written. My only gripe is the exclamation points were sort of annoying.

I'm not trying to be an **, in fact I'm trying really hard not to be an **, and I really do want to help. Once I have 48 hours on this account and can post my own fic, you can tear it up too, as long as you can find valid points to criticise.

The storyline seems interesting, but your presentation was such that I couldn't even finish the first chapter. No offense.

I understand that you have a very specific image of a person and that their bands may define them to you, but to me, an Evanescence band shirt is the same as any other band shirt. Describe the actual shirt to me; does it have ripped up sleeves? Is it tight-fitting or loose?

I also feel like I'm reading a laundry list as you describe your characters. It's sort of like reading a list intro in a roleplay on Neopets or something (not that you have any reason to know what that is)--Name: Geri Hair: Long red, in a ponytail Eyes: Piercing. Rather than try to introduce your characters all at once, bring them into the story piece by piece. When you introduce real people, you don't tell the person to whom you are introducing them everything about them; instead, you give the name and you let the other person figure it out. Do the same with you characters; slip your description in with the action, and I'll get the idea.

Another problem I found is common among a lot of FF.N/FP.C writers--your sentences are very blocky--subject>verb>rest of sentence. Change it up some, and we (your readers) will be able to read it a lot better.

When describing the cars, I totally understand the need to laundry list them and there really isn't a good way to introduce them without it--however, you can probably skip on the year and trim levels. The girls aren't going to know it's an '02 Type-R unless they're serious gearheads, they're going to know it's a Civic hatch. Maybe describe the 300 first and then work on the other cars as they come in.

Also, it's fine to use the term noob, since it's in dialog and all, but don't spell it with zero's, spell it phonetically. Your story isn't bad as a story, but the writing needs some work. Get somebody to read it to you out loud, or read it to yourself out loud, and see how it sounds and how easy it is to read fluidly. Good start, and you've officially inspired me to get my fic off the ground.

Feel free to respond to me--my criticism can always use criticism of its own.

-Oscar

Nice story. to bad most people don't read stories with OC's in the lead that don't feature movie characters. I know 'cause i have a story which has an OC in the lead which doesn't feature any movie characters (yet) and well i haven't gotten much reviews yet (hell i posted it once didn't get any reviews in three months eventhough i updated every now and then, i took it off and recently reuploaded it but i haven't gotten any reviews yet). anyway keep up the good work. ;)