   Skyforger
2009-03-29 . chapter 25Just finished reading through your story, so figured it would be appropriate to sit down give my thoughts on it. It was a rather nice read overall, though some parts didn't come together as good as they could have been, plot vise.
On the technical side, there is little to complain about. Your writing is solid and descriptive enough, with no grammatical errors to complain about. For the most part characters seemed in-character (Save for one or two outbursts, like Nanoha's "lecture" to Fate in their home when Vivio got kidnapped) as well, so fairly good on that department. One thing that you definitely should address though: for the sake of all that is holy, add something bigger to indicate "scene switches". A single "_" line, some X, or just a double blank line - just add something that would help readers adjust to the switches, else they are a bit jarring.
I liked how the whole two-face issue of Soran was handled, and you did manage to create a genuine feeling of "mystery", where the reader would feel inclined to question what was really going on - props for that, well done. However, i do think you made Soran a tad overpowered, as you did the Casters, though i admit the idea behind those was interesting, even if a bit far fetched. You went overboard with the other character supposed power levels as well - Caro as rank S would be hard to imagine, and it seemed you gave the rest of Forwards similar powers.
That isn't really easy to swallow as default, because frankly, they and the aces are as heaven and earth. Only a handful of people in the entire TSAB are as powerful as the aces, and the forwards (Who are really average at best, power wise) don't really come close to matching their output, not by a longshot, and it isn't something that can be bridged by simply revealing more and more "device forms".
Hayate doesn't need Rein to achieve Nanoha/Fate levels either (She is actually the strongest of the three), Rein just helps her with calculations and targeting when using long-range spells, something which would not have been used there, but heh - i understand you wanted to have just Nanoha and Fate in there.
Jor taking matters in to his own hands was to be expected, but i liked how it went down. I generally liked the emotions you evoked from the characters, as they felt quite palatable, and made the characters easy to identify with, Soran included. It was a rather interesting and tense ride to the very end ... but i must say, chapter 24 was largely disappointing. You ended up doing what i was hoping wouldn't happen - you went for flashy (and cheesy ... we could have 'really' done without the everyone helping and parent's ghosts appearing part) over logic, and i found myself sighing and wanting to facepalm several times during the last fight.
I understand you were trying to make it climatic, but an approach of "moar explosions, moar cartriges, moar twists, moar everything!" has a very good chance of burning the suspension of disbelief of your readers, and it definitely footed the line there. It doesn't need to be as flashy as possible and beyond in order to be interesting.
And finally - Subaru. Disregarding how she got there ... there shouldn't really be any need for her to use any "magic attacks" (You also crossed a line here - Dark magic ? White magic ? Sorry, such things don't exist in Nanohaverse, just energy) - by the time she was up against Jor, all she had to use was her inherent cyborg IS skill, Oscillating Breaker, that allows her to destroy electronics and mechanics. It is like the custom tailored attack to use against Jor, so there really is no reason for her not to. It should have been her first and last attack of choice in such a situation.
So ...yea - i would type more, but feeling rather tired about now. Overall i must commend you for a job quite well done - it was a piece of investing and solid writing, even if the climax didn't really hold up to the level. Good job. |
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