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| merlyn1382 2008-05-02 ch 1,  | abusei love it and look forward to the next chapter |
| Sarahfreak 2008-04-21 ch 1, | abuseDefinitely an interesting prospect you have here. Great idea and great writing. Can't wait to see what happens next. Loved it! |
| OtherCat1 2008-04-16 ch 1, | abuseYou need a beta. Desperately. This could be interesting, but it needs some work. You should put breaks between the author notes and the actual story. You shift between present and past third person, and you misuse some words. For instance... ((“What kind of contraption is this?” she asks irritatingly, as if it was all the portal’s fault. )) You can certainly be irritating, but only to someone else. "OtherCat's obsession with good grammar is irritating," versus "Yuki was irritated by OtherCat's really long review." and: ((says a young boy to his companion, timidly bending over to make sure his partner is alright. He appears to be about twelve years old, with plum-coloured hair that just brushes the shoulders of his dusty red ensemble, which matches his ruby-red eyes.)) Why are you pretending that you the writer and I the reader have no idea who this character is? Is there a plot-driven reason for it? Because if there isn't, there's no need to describe the character(s) this way. And while Rosette does clobber Chrono on occasion, I think you're going a bit overboard with the violence. I wouldn't characterize Chrono as "timid." Hesitant, but not "timid." Neither Rosette or Chrono seem completely in character because of this. On the other hand, I think it does have potential, but again, you need a beta. |