This is a good story! Please update soon!

Talos-

I am unfamiliar with this fandom. However, it appears as if you have a good grasp on the characters and you tell an interesting story.

I would recommend a beta as there are many technical issues that need ironing out: run on sentences and misspellings. Also, for most of this story, it is a Zebra fic. One line –space- another line—space. Towards the end, you do have some paragraphs and they work well.

Good luck with the challenge.

pie

wow...I mean wow. that was so messed up. but it was awesome. I'd hate to think what Kakarot would do now. thanks for the good read.

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who's written a DBZ fic for the Fireplace Writing Challenge. While there are many technical errors (mainly punctuation errors, dialogue errors and misspelled attack names), you are talented at writing battle scenes. I especially like the way Goku's long-subdued personality shows up.

Apart from the technical errors, something that I spotted was the overuse of exclamation marks. I don't really see the necessity of using them outside dialogue, unless of course it's a very emotional moment.

Good luck in the challenge.

Not a bad fic at all. Couple of issues...

Title
--Title should read as "The Beast Within." All words capitalized.

Punctuation
--Biggest issue with the fic is the punctuation. Had a few run-ons...

//Sweat poured off them, as they fought amongst the clouds, one wearing an orange suit made for battle, his chest bore the turtle emblem, he moved with speed hardly ever seen before on this planet, he was not human, though his appearance was, long spiky hair gave it away, he was Saiyan.//

Huge run-on. Let's break this apart.

//Sweat poured off them, as they fought amongst the clouds, one wearing an orange suit made for battle//

Sentence should really end after 'clouds.' 'One' should start a new one. And the comma will have no use once I rewrite it. Revising...

//Sweat poured off them as they fought amongst the clouds. One wore an orange suit made for battle//

Moving on...

//Sweat poured off them as they fought amongst the clouds. One wore an orange suit made for battle, his chest bore the turtle emblem, he moved with speed hardly ever seen before on this planet,//

Two more sentences can come out of that little section. This part, 'his...emblem' can be a short sentence and from 'he...planet' can also be a sentence. Revising...

//Sweat poured off them as they fought amongst the clouds. One wore an orange suit made for battle. His chest bore the turtle emblem. He moved with speed hardly ever seen before on this planet.//

Moving on...

//he was not human, though his appearance was, long spiky hair gave it away, he was Saiyan.//

A period can go after 'was,' and the comma after 'away' is wrong. A semicolon can go there instead. Revising...

//He was not human, though his appearance was. His long spiky hair gave it away; he was Saiyan.//

Puttin' all that together...

//Sweat poured off them as they fought amongst the clouds. One wore an orange suit made for battle. His chest bore the turtle emblem. He moved with speed hardly ever seen before on this planet. He was not human, though his appearance was. His long spiky hair gave it away; he was Saiyan.//

See the difference?

--I noticed that you used the exclamation mark a bit much... now, I don't mean to say that your exclamation use is an error, but using too much of one thing is bad.

--You used commas incorrectly in a few places...

//Wrapped around the armoured one's waist was a furry monkey tail, he was also a Saiyan//

Semicolon after 'tail' is more appropriate. Another place...

//Vegeta easily dodged then all and said “ Is this all you've got, Kakkerot?//

You lacked a comma after 'said,' which is necessary when you connect quotes like that.

It's more mistakes-- especially comma mistakes-- but I don't want to take the entire review picking them apart. I do urge that you research comma use. I don't want to come off mean or somethin'. We all need to do research when we write. :)

Superfluity
--You put more in your sentences than what's needed at times...

//Goku looked up, and Vegeta went even paler//

Instead of saying 'Vegeta went even paler,' it's easier to say, 'Vegeta paled.' Another place...

//Goku doubled over, horror on his face as remembered what had happened to Krillen,//

Instead of saying 'horror on his face,' it would be loads easier to say, 'Goku doubled over, horrified, as he remembered what had happened to Krillen.//

See how much better it flows? When you've got too much fat weighing down your sentences, it really screws up the flow. Less unnecessary words you have, the better your fic will flow and the faster the main idea will come across.

Movin' on to the things that were great about the fic...

Characters
--I believe you hit the characters--especially Vegeta-- on the head. The guy's an asshole to Goku, and you portrayed it beautifully.

Plot
--The plot was great. Loved the ending and what happened to Goku. Really took me through a loop. Another kudos.

Final Comments
--You're a decent writer, honest to goodness. Only thing that needs tweaking is your punctuation, mainly punctuation with commas. Work on that and you'll blow people away. I enjoyed it, nevertheless. :)

--Nova.

Wow, you should make a sequel, this is really good! Exclamation mark time ten!