..Admittedly, I only read the first two paragraphs.

Partly because they're big blocks of text. And I have little patience to read through all of that. Things don't seem so long when you space them out - I suggest you do that, if you want people to actually read it. Appearance might not be everything, but it is a good deal.

Secondly - it's confusing. When the people are speaking, mightn't you use speaker tags?

"For example," I elaborated, "You could do this."

Now, on to the good stuff. Very descriptive, wonderful use of adjectives... vastly above my own level of vocabulary, I'm afraid. I skipped over the words I didn't know off-hand.

And it sounds interesting, which is always good.

Keep in mind, I'm simply trying to be helpful and provide some constructive criticism. Here's hoping there'll be more from you. (:

ive read this b4... and its still AMAZING! glad your on this cite then others can tell you how brilliant you are(stroke your ego) besides me :)