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| Eagleh-sama 2008-05-18 ch 1,  | abuseThere is a good plot, but you need to add LOTS more detail. Put -- between character POVs. Also, in sentence where there is talking, after the sentence is over you need a new paragraph. This hardly qualifies as a chapter. It has the elements - three POVS, an introduction to a plot - yet it needs to be longer. |
| DotCiki 2008-05-04 ch 1, | abuseHuh. I was intrigued by the title and summary (and the review, darling, it was lovely), but, clearly, there is something lacking. There is a nice flow, but the sentences are hardly structured. And, good God girl! You only have TWO paragraphs! FOUR HUNDRED AND NINETEEN words! And suddenly cutting to Livvy like that?! Just...no. Against my better judgment, this story has a damn good plot, a bit clichéd (but aren't we all?), and I would dearly like to help you out, but there is hardly so much I can do on a review. You can message me if you would like to have a Beta Reader. And, again, loved the review! ~DotCiki |