Reviews for With You, I'll Be Only Sibylla

Reviews For: With You, I'll Be Only Sibylla - Reviews: Page 1 of 3

Mercury Gray 2008-08-31 ch 12,	abuseBut in a sense, Balian was here in Sybilla's thoughts (and Guy's, toward the end.) Having a character like that who only influences the scene from afar is hard to write, and you've done so quite well. I like the addition of Guy's advances at the end -- It's very in character for him, I think, and it gives another dimension to Sybilla's idea that she has to endure something terrible and difficult. In one instance it's sleeping with her drunk husband again, and in the other it's keeping her son alive and well and ready to rule. The only thing I could maybe find to criticize in this chapter is that in my readings, I've found out that Guy and Sybilla had two daughters, both of which died with her in Acre in 1190. But that's a very small historical point, and of little note. As always, a great chapter!
OnyxDrake 2008-08-14 ch 11,	abuseOkay... I honestly cannot remember the movie. I like the burning creosote bushes. That's a nice touch.
OnyxDrake 2008-08-13 ch 10,	abusenice bit of build-up here.
OnyxDrake 2008-08-13 ch 9,	abusegrammar nit-pick: like the icicles which formed during the harsh European winters that(which) she had heard about. (If you have "which" it should be followed by "that"). You swap POVs from Sibylla to Guy, then to Baldwin's. This is jarring. Nit-pick: The life of a princess was hard (difficult is a better word than "hard") Ouch, he really has too much honour, doesn't he?
OnyxDrake 2008-08-13 ch 8,	abuseOh dear, the scheming... M, I think I'll off my husband today... I'm just worried that she's not coming across as if she's considering the full moral implications of her intentions. ... and the plot thickens.
OnyxDrake 2008-08-13 ch 7,	abuseA solid chapter. I don't find any nit-picks and you've got me worrying what will happen when Guy makes his move. For, he will still make a move to remove a perceived threat.
OnyxDrake 2008-08-13 ch 6,	abuseYou wrote: “Kerak?” said Balian. Why would the king be marching on Kerak(?) You missed a question mark there. Missing apostrophe: The whites of the animal(')s eyes were showing, You've created quite a poignant scene with all that carnage, creating enough motivation in your protagonists to do what they must. I like the fact that you've conducted some research with regards to armour and how annoying it could be. Watch out with those last two paragraphs where you swap POV from Sibylla to Guy. It's not wrong, as such, but a sudden shift can be jarring and would be best kept to separate chapters or subsections.
OnyxDrake 2008-08-12 ch 5,	abuseTense swap: Then closer inspection reveals that they are in fact skeletons, Suggestion: Closer inspection revealed that the figures were, in fact, skeletons, Goodness, I think she's going to be in enough trouble after staying away from Jerusalem for months.
Mercury Gray 2008-08-12 ch 11,	abuseBeautiful chapter. I really like the burning bush episode-- was that from the extended movie or something you made up yourself? Whatever it was, it was poignant and kind of funny at the same time. I also really liked how you brought to mind that episode in First Kings where Elijah goes out to meet God and finds him not in the earthquake, the towering inferno, or the storm, but the tiny wind. Brother John is again amusing in his quiet way, Balian is incorrigible, and Sybilla is, surprising, fragile. Good job!
OnyxDrake 2008-07-18 ch 4,	abuseIt seems that I really do need to watch the movie again ;-)
OnyxDrake 2008-07-18 ch 3,	abuseA nice analogy with "beasts in silk". If you'd been writing for publication, you could have cut the scenes with her finding Balian gone and taken the scene straight to where she finds him working. Just a quickie, if she's sister to the king, what is she doing riding without some form of military escort? Two women riding out on their own just seems a trifle odd to me. It's been a long time since I've seen the film, so I don't remember the story that well. Otherwise, well written and engaging.
OnyxDrake 2008-07-18 ch 2,	abuseI advise most of the writers I work with not to start a sentence with a conjunction unless they really have to.It's better to avoid, at any rate. Example: she found herself dreaming about a man. And it was not her husband. Suggestion: she found herself dreaming about a man and it was not her husband.
OnyxDrake 2008-07-18 ch 1,	abuseThis is lovely! It flows. I find myself drawn in from the start. I can't fault your writing at all, save for asking for a little more visual description.
Calathiel of Mirkwood 2008-07-18 ch 10,	abusePoor Siblla...I can't imagine living like she did. Lovely job portraying it!
Mercury Gray 2008-07-17 ch 10,	abuseThis chapter was a little confusing, but at the same time, I think a little necessary. But I liked how conflicted Sybilla is about her brother and how she wants to retain the memory of how he used to be. I really, really liked that bit at the end where Brother John has the conversation with Balian; The Hospitalier was one of my favorite characters in the movie because he was sort of this omniscient paradigm of wisdom. Keep up the fantastic work.

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