Reviews for Dragonrunaway - FanFiction.Net

Reviews For: Dragonrunaway

GinnyStar 2008-06-21 ch 2,	abuseKeep up the work. I can understand somewhat the lad disapointment. I hope he can find his place on Pern.
Brownriderco 2008-05-12 ch 2,	abuseThis has to be one of the strangest stories I have read in this section. Don't get me wrong. The writing isn't bad. It has definitely improved over the 1st chapter. I don't see how a weyrleader's son not impressing would be reflected on him. Perhaps if one of the hatchlings suicided rather than choosing him there might be reason for concern. But there is almost always many more candidates than there are eggs to avoid such an occurance. Also, you wrote "Telenet would never have felt safe with such power so willingly under his command." This makes no sense. If you had used the word 'comfortable' it would; but 'safe'? A dragon would NEVER harm his rider. He would suicide between before doing so. Also, I find it odd his father didn't confront him at the feast, as they were sitting next to one another, and tell his son that he was not ashamed of him. I understand that this would have damaged, if not destroyed the plot, him running away and all, so you shouldn't have had them at the same table or even in sight of one another. Aside from these points and the others that the previous reviewers noted, this is a decent story so far. Doesn't pull me in and grab me by the throat, but it is decent.
OnyxDrake 2008-05-12 ch 2,	abuseWow, Telenet has his own room? Shouldn't he be sleeping in dorms with all the other candidates? You wrote: T’ret felt his was down the hall Did you mean: ... felt his way ... Missing question mark (in brackets): ... be here to do it anyway, why waste doing the job now(?) What is the Weyrwoman's name? What does she look at? Is there an indication why he would feel that he could not approach her with his problems. Your protagonist does not seem to relate to his mother in a very natural way. You shift quite fluidly to the Weyrleader's POV within the same paragraph that you're writing from Telenet's POV. I feel you need to make the break in POV more distinct, so as to not catch your readers unaware. In general, I don't advise too many POV shifts in chapters, as these can become confusing. I have my sincere doubts that a Weyrleader's position would be called into question if his son does not Impress. I feel that it would be disappointing, yes, but not a basis for judgment from outsiders. Even so, would it require the masterharper to intervene at this early stage? Overall, your writing has improved tremendously from the prologue. The only caution I would give here is for you to be aware of your characters' motivations as they go about their business.
astrokath 2008-05-10 ch 1,	abuseA well-written hatching scene, but the tone of your prose is really very dry and uninvolving. To be quite frank, your summary holds more interest to me than this initial chapter, which reads more like a history document than a story prologue - I'm assuming it's meant as a prologue prior to the major characters making their first appearance in chapter 2, but I could of course be wrong! I'm wondering - why did you choose to hold off on including any character-driven prose in this first chapter? All of the anticipation/expectations/doubts of the two characters you mention in the prologue could really be used as a very effective 'hook' for the readers. As it stands, your first chapter provides none of what was promised in your summary - and it's the first chapter that most often determines whether a reader will continue with the story. Food for thought for you, anyway.
cathrl 2008-05-09 ch 1,	abuseWhere are your characters? Who are they? Why do we care? Like the other reviewer said - yup, you've described a hatching. Every other DRoP story on the net has one. This one is so impersonal that it has literally nothing going for it. You don't need this chapter; it tells us nothing we don't already know. All you need is to start off the next one with "After the Hatching".
OnyxDrake 2008-05-08 ch 1,	abuseMy, my, this is as cold and clinical as a newspaper report. What about names? Who are these candidates? What is the queen's name? You've painted the picture of a typical hatching. Hatchings are some of the most commonly treated topics in Pern-based fanfic. What makes this hatching different from any of the others? How about writing from the POV of a Candidate? Or the Weyrwoman, eyeing this crop of potential weyrlings with a critical eye? There were no emotional hooks dragging me into this story. Nitpicks: Watch out for repeating words such as "great", "was", "were". I've never encountered the queen candidates being dumped on a raised platform before. Dragonet is not with "ette" at the end. Technically there's nothing much wrong with your writing but you should look at characterisation, descriptions and your plot.

Return to Top