 Shining Nova 2008-05-05 . chapter 1It's a good fic, but there's a few issues...
Title
--It wasn't necessary to include 'title' in your title. You should remove it.
Superfluity
--Basically, you put more in your sentences than what was needed. Take this sentence, for instance...
//It was a new day and a new bored out of his mind Sora was trying to do more than lazing around.//
'Out of his mind' and 'trying to do more' is fat. And it weakens the sentence. Cut it out. Revising...
//It was a new day and a bored Sora wanted to do more than lazing around.//
See the difference? The sentence is much stronger without the add-ons. Another sentence...
//Each attack so quick and strong, seeming almost deadly, despite the fact that he was grasping a wooden sword.//
'Seeming' and 'despite the fact' is also fat. Cut it out. Revising...
//Each attack was so quick and strong, almost deadly for a wooden sword.//
Not the best I could have done with that sentence, but you get the point, right? The simpler the sentence, the stronger it is. Don't feel as though you've got to pump up your sentences with words so that it sounds better.
Spelling
--You had minor spelling mistakes. You confused 'where' for 'were,' and you spelled Wakka's name wrong. Be careful about names and spelling in the future.
Numbers
--In the future, write out all the numbers you use in your fics, with the exception of years or proper titles (20,0 Leagues Under the Sea). Even time can be written out. Instead of '10am,' you could write...
//ten o' clock in the morning//
...or something to that effect.
Plot
--I actually think the plot is nice and sweet. Short, but sweet.
Final Comments.
--Good job, despite the minor mistakes. Keep writing. :)
--Nova. |