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| Kierkegaard2.0 2008-06-26 ch 3,  | abuseWell, gentlemen, I have read your three chapters here and I have to say they are very good and feel right in acting as a long prelude to the series (Gendo and Yui's history was particularly excellent). My own observation is that while it is done well, much of the material covered here feels like the same observations and outlinings that have been made before in others' fanfictions. I had thought that there might be more digging into the less explored aspects of the story (how was the Geofront constructed/filled? what minor or major obstacles came along the way?). Those questions might be too out of touch with the goal of your story, though. I am looking forward to how you might choose to bring other characters into the story and begin to outline how they will come into the main series. Good luck! |
| Fanf1cFan 2008-06-26 ch 3, | abuseJust a thought or two concerning Gendo's motivations . . . the things that can allow us to understand his behavior. If, as your back-story provides, he acquired such self-destructive tendencies and negative feelings about himself, maybe you should have explained how or why he had even bothered to enter a university. The apathetic do not bother, and certainly won't excel even with above average intelligence. Maybe his grandmother putting the right kind of pressure on him, or maybe an urge to prove that he is (intellectually) superior to others would work. You could probably come up with something better. Maybe develop Gendo's neurotic/psychotic side a little. Even Yui's loss would not be enough motivation to fuel his subsequent actions and cold brutality - maybe similar to Sherlocke's Moriarty? I get the feeling from the anime that Gendo barely suppresses an urge to empty clip after clip into everyone around him, just so he can achieve his twisted goal. However, his bit of relating to Shinji's situation was a good element. No villain is believable as truly evil unless you show that he might have once had some human feelings and has purposefully obliterated them to the best of his ability. So far, I am enjoying your rather fresh creation of the events preceding the NGE series. Nice dark tone. Keep it up. |
| Fanf1cFan 2008-05-12 ch 2, | abuseGentlemen, an interesting beginning. It is good someone decided to tackle this piece of back-story instead of yet another rework of Shinji-X-(add your choice of character here). I look forward to future postings with hope for a good story. |