aww this was such a good idea. i hope you update soon! thanks

Naw, poor Leo... who is the oldest? *curious*

ROFL! That was so priceless! I don't know why, but that sudden revelation made me laugh. I can see where Leo might have a problem with it, though. Man, what I wouldn't give to suddenly be told *I* was actually younger than my siblings. Give Leo ten years and he'd be grateful! But, anyways, this is a real neat premise and it'd be cool to see it continued. I just wish I knew who was actually the oldest. It would be great if it was Mikey. Now, THAT would be priceless.

Oh, wow! Please continue! This could get interesting!

OMG! that was cool!! You had me wondering what it was the whole time...that was really unexpected but it sounds REALLY INTERESTING!

I don't know how long this had been up here, but it's cool! ^_^ hee.

please, please update! How did this happen? please you have to write another chapter

Interesting. Brilliant plot, I don't think anyone's done it quite like this. I do hope you continue with this story. And yeah, you can see how well you improved your writing with your more recent one. But don't forget, practice makes perfect, the more you write the better you get at it. I can certainly tell the difference. So keep at it, you're doing awesome!

Really interesting, I hope you update soon!

Great story so far. I'm looking forward to reading more. Update soon please.

This is an interesting take on Leo's character, and decent length for a chapter, but if you want this to be effective as a story (and I think you're handling the narrative voice well), you need to make your actual chapters longer, or your readers will not be able to enter the 'vivid continuous dream', which is what fiction authors also call a story. Each scene in a story must capture a reader and hold him in a universe of seeing your world as you create it, and so it's recommended to have, at the very least, three decently-lengthed scenes per chapter in a book (fan novels are books, too) to maintain the dream for an effective length of time. it makes a story much more powerful, and while amateurs and new writers can't understand this very well and are unwilling to try, most fanfics you see are poorly written, or at least not nearly as amazing as they could be. The longer-chaptered fics are almost ALWAYS the best stories available because so much love and time goes into each chapter (and each chapter is like a short story unto itself in a way. Writing short chapters is really like writing a bunch of drabbles: by the time you're starting to get interested in the story/chapter, it ends and then as a writer you have to start drawing in the reader all over again in the next chapter, because once the dream is lost by a chapter break, the reader moves on, and only with a long chapter will the story be truly remembered, frequently checked, and greatly recommended and adored by almost every reader in the fandom.

I just wanted to give you that little advice tip before you get into the meat of the story in the next chapter, because this is a very attention-grabbing prologue and it certainly creates interest and curiosity, and that means it's done it's job well, but this is only a prologue setting the stage for the real story about to unfold, so the chapters need to be meatier than this entrance piece. That will undoubetly mean that chapters will have longer to complete and post, but it will be worth it, and I have the feeling from reading your style that you know better than to sacrifice the best way of telling the story so you can simply tell a story quickly. :)

I'm very intrigued and compelled to read on, so I'm eager to see where you take this idea.

My favorite thing about your narrator is that it doesn't tell the reader what the characters are feeling with lines like "he was sad that such-and-such had to bee this way" or anything like that. You instead do a really nice job of showing what the characters are feeling through their actions, like Leo pushing himself and Don being hesitant to approach him. Because you do this wonderful thing when you write, the reader can put themselves in the characters' shoes better by watching Leo overwork and be visibly upset, and that forms a stronger connection for us, because in real life no one can know exactly what someone else is feeling because they aren't mind readers, but instead we make judgements based on what we see another person behaving or acting and read their bodylanguage to make a good guess. So not being told what the emotion is with a name like "Mike loved this thing," or "Don felt nervous," or "Leo blushed in embarassment", you make a great stage for the audience to enjoy seeing a story instead of having the information force fed to them. You trust the reader to figure out the missing pieces. A story is never what's being said, it's inside of what's NOT being said that we find the answers and the story, and we feel the characters' emotions better by seeing them played out on a face rather than told.

Most fan authors (young ones who don't know how to really write) are so amazingly lazy about actually showing a scene rather than tellin it, that the reader gets this:

"Raph was ** off". (not exactly an amazing sentence that has you riveting for more just like it)

But if you show the emotion with out telling it, we get this:

"Raph stormed back into the lair and threw his helmet against the wall, barely registering the cracking sound it made. His hands clenched and twitched as if daring anyone to challenge him. If Leo walked in and started lecturing him for being scene, he would have a fist in his face before his first six words escaped. And why the shell was it so damn quiet in the den?"

The second one is way more affective in making Raph's mood crystal clear beyond any question, and lets us FEEL what Raph is feeling without the narrator ruining the moment by holding up a metaphorical signboard at the end or the beginning that says "Since you readers are probably so stupid you're on the verge of illiteracy, I'll kill all the magic and give you the answer... so i guess that means there's no real point in reading to find out anymore."

You did a good job with showing the scene here, so thank you! This story has so much wonderful potential right now! I'm thinking about so many ways this age versus rank plot device will go!

Oh, I so cannot wait for the next chapter of this. It looks great! Hope you can update soon! :D

I'm also interested to see how they discovered that Leonardo is the youngest. Splinter has always referred to him as the oldest. Did he not even know? I'm looking forward to reading more and to seeing just how this affects Leo. This is a really good start!

Well that was unexpected! I'm intrigued...How did they find that info out?

Good start. Please update soon.

Cool concept, I have hear the position you have in the family shapes you however in Leos case. this is going to turn interesting. the part were Leo says Don-t blame yourself was a bit confusing for I really did not know who was speaking but over all is allright