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| OtherCat1 2008-05-07 ch 1,  | abuseYou do realize that changing eye colors is the first sign of a Mary Sue, right? This is a little rushed as far as pacing is concerned, and you seem to have some abrupt pov shifts. I'd avoid third person omniscient--in other words, the Invisible Narrator who is telling us instead of showing us. My general impression of your character is that she tends to scream a lot, even though the situation doesn't warrant screaming (or you think that screaming will create the suprise and tension you failed to create in your description.) This is probably not what you're going for. Also, I suggest finding a beta. |