|
|
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
| Ravenya03 2008-07-14 ch 1, | abuse*Sigh of bliss* I read this ages ago and for some strange reason I didn't comment - but this is just excellent! I love the comparisons between the heat of the East and the cold of England: and that lovely image of Djaq being in awe of the rain, and the boys being amused by it is just...squee! And you've nailed the Allan/Djaq dynamic: the indulgence/exasperation that she has for him, and the admiration/just-a-tad-of-lust that he's got for her. And I love that image of him tentatively resting his arms either side of her (and glad that he did it for a legitimate reason!) |
| soulprovider 2008-05-15 ch 1, | abuseWOW that was fantastic. I really love the descriptions. I think Allan is really in character when he mocks the way Djaq talks. Her reactions are amzinf. This is an awesome oneshot!! |
| whatsthefracas 2008-05-14 ch 1, | abuseI love the way you write for Djaq. She really comes alive. Plus, allan/djaq is such a zingy little palate cleanser after all the will/djaq and robin/marian sweetness. Thanks for this one! |
| bostonchickadee 2008-05-14 ch 1, | abuseI'm at work so I should not even be on here but I loved this story SO much I had to review right away! Make that three people who adore this bit (I mean, talk about evocative writing!): "Those pale fingers grew golden, the background hum of milkmaids burst into a snake charmer's melody as nostalgia flooded through her system. All the weak, creamy grey of England became tangerine and blood red and the scent of thyme became cinnamon, saffron...clove." I do have two tiny little quibbles... I've always associated snake charmers with India more than the Middle East - would they have had them in the Holy Land as well? Also the word "creamy" associated with "grey" broke the imagery for me just a little. For some reason, the description that came into my head was "watery." Just my two cents... The "drastic measures" line had me chuckling as well and I could just picture Much making those exaggerated gestures! Also, you have Allan's voice down so well here. My AllanDjaq-shipping self just about swooned at this bit, the last line was just thud-worthy: "Silent, for the first time in his life, Allan surrendered himself to the feel of Djaq's body against his own. That hidden femininity exposed, thrilling him, as he reveled in the doughy heat from her masked chest. But, alongside that small hint of animal desire, Allan felt more amazement at the fact that she was truly more woman than he had ever imagined. Suddenly, the scent of Eastern clove swept over him in a giddying haze as his blue eyes searched hers in a ridiculous wash of hunger." We really really need more Allan/Djaq fics... Now where's my brownie? |
| Biancaneve 2008-05-14 ch 1, | abuseThis is great! Apparently you write AllanDjaq just as brilliantly as WillDjaq. *standing ovation* This paragraph is amazingly evocative: "Those pale fingers grew golden, the background hum of milkmaids burst into a snake charmer's melody as nostalgia flooded through her system. All the weak, creamy grey of England became tangerine and blood red and the scent of thyme became cinnamon, saffron...clove." The way you conjure up Djaq's memories through all the different senses is stunning, and then I love the way you've worked the image of the cloves all the way through the piece. The ending, with Allan keeping the hand with the clove-smell on it out of the rain, is beautiful. At the start, that smell is meaningful to Djaq because it's a link with home; by the end it becomes important to him because it's a link with her. Extremely clever and sweet. Just randomly, the bit about "where their leader was most probably taking drastic measures" made me choke on my coffee with laughter. (Waste of precious caffeine. Damn you for your brilliant throwaway lines.) Hope your exams are going well! x ps. oh, spotted a typo - "discretely" instead of "discreetly" in paragraph *counts* 6. Wouldn't normally point it out but since it changes the meaning I figured you might want to do a quickfix. :) |
| harllett 2008-05-14 ch 1, | abuseSque! I do like a bit of Allan and Djaq. Poor Djaq, missing her homeland :( I LOVED this part "Those pale fingers grew golden, the background hum of milkmaids burst into a snake charmer's melody as nostalgia flooded through her system. All the weak, creamy grey of England became tangerine and blood red and the scent of thyme became cinnamon, saffron...clove." And Allan not realising what it means to her...but then demonstrating how much England means to her too. And the way his thoughts describe the way she is a woman and yet is unique in the way she can behave like a man is SO much better than the way it is dealt with in the show, with Will's silly declaration in the barn. Nice work! PS Can I have brownie point please? Or just a brownie...a chocolate one... |