Reviews for A Walk on the Hellmouth

Reviews For: A Walk on the Hellmouth - Reviews: Page 1 of 3

Richard Caine 2008-09-08 ch 11,	abuseWell, I can see what you were talking about at the top. I do like the ending line, but other than that this leaves a lot of stuff dangling. The Bear of Steel pretty much summed up what I was thinking myself. Truth be told, this feels less like an ending and more like a break in the middle of an ongoing story. I would highly recommend doing something with Cordelia and Xander speaking to one another. You had a lot of interesting moments with Cordelia throughout the fic, but you never seemed to want to act on them. It is a plot interaction that, one way or another, needs to be resolved in some fashion. It's too complicated not to be addressed in some fashion. Ironbear's suggestion of an epilogue fits well with what I was thinking on this point. Other than that, I enjoyed it. I look forward to the next installment. Ironbear and S2 itself provide a tremendous number of plot hooks. You have good things you can work with, unlike the nightmare of S6 that I'm having to re-write from the ground up due to awfulness. Use the things that Whedon and Minear gave you, and I think you'll find your flow just fine. -Caine
Ironbear 2008-09-07 ch 11,	abuseHrrm. Ok, first off, decent chapter. Secondly, thanks for the credits. ;) Thirdly, a mild critique from a fellow writer: While the very last sequence is a decent ending for this with just the right note (the conversation between Xander and the potential client), as a whole this is kind of a weak chapter to end with. It makes a good transitional chapter as a wind down from the story climax, but it kind of trails off without either any real resolution and without any real hook for the possible sequel. You might give some serious thought to adding an epilogue that gives a more solid resolution, and that plants a hook that leads you logically into the next plot. As it is, it's a solid story that kind of wanders off at the end. "I’m toying with a few ideas for the next one but if anyone’s got any suggestions I’m more then happy to hear about them." Would be happy to, but if you read back over this story and look at the s2 canon, you probably don't really need them. You already have logical plot seeds that set you up for the next installment, and several afterwards. a) Spike and Drusilla's survival, b) Xander's attempting to set up his business, c) Kendra's death leading up logically to Faith's Calling, d) the dropped plot point for Xander and Cordelia's conversation, and e) possible canon consequences of Kakistos and Trick arriving earlier on Faith's heels. (assuming that there's any longer a reason for her to tackle Kakistos in this AU canon) d) Makes an excellent possibility for the epilogue: you can use the Cordelia/Xander encounter to tie up loose ends, add a stronger finish, and set a hook for the next episode. Other than that, good story overall. I enjoyed reading it. And do remember to watch your homophones. ;)
I am the Bane of my Sword 2008-08-31 ch 10,	abuseWhat, why not find himself some powers or weapons?
Ironbear 2008-08-30 ch 10,	abuse"I had to rewrite this one a few times and still feels a bit awkward but oh well. I think this story is just about finished, but the follow up is already being written in my head. I’m open to suggestions about anything so feel free to throw your own two cents in." I can see a few points where why you might feel the narrative is clumsy, but unfortunately I can't quite pinpoint anything to suggest to fix that. Sorry. Good job, overall. Kendra's death at this point was a bit startling, and the scene where Xander found her body was gruesomely effective. Nicely written. What's also nicely written is Xander's self-disgust in blaming himself for Kendra's death and shouldering all of the fault in it, even though it wasn't completely his screwup. Very Xanderish, even though his voice sounds a bit more "Johnish" now. It's the kind of thing Xander did over and over in canon even when there were other culpable parties in something. "The sounds of fighting had ceased meaning that Spike did in fact have everyone’s attention, to Xander’s dismay. He couldn’t chance seeing how everyone else had faired or if all the nasties had been taken care of. If he took his eyes off of Spike then that would give him an opening to get at Buffy since she was too busy trying to pay attention to both Spike and himself. This was a bad move on her part and she should have known it." Illustrates my meaning up above. Buffy obviously had as much to do with Kendra's death as anyone when she lost focus and lost sight of the fight. But, since Kendra went in on Xander's plan backing him up, Xander takes all of the blame onto himself without even remembering thinking that Buffy'd lost focus and it was bad. And in part, he's justified - he wasn't able to back Kendra up, at least in his own mind. It's also good to see Xander and Cordy's slowly changing relationship. I'm betting that her and Xander's conversation is going to be extremely interesting. In closing: so, Faith gets Called early, huh? That should liven things up. (Insert Evil Reader Laugh Here)
Richard Caine 2008-08-30 ch 10,	abuseInteresting stuff. So, you've pretty much set up a really hard split between Xander and just about everyone but Angel and Cordelia. I have an inkling where you may be going with this (Ironbear and I did some chatting about his stuff for example) but no matter what happens I'm curious. Xander strikes me as being a very John Constantine/Harry Dresden style character, who I always enjoy, and you've done a good job of getting just the right amount of jerk into his personality. I think that really is what makes it good. He's not bad enough to be a monster, but enough of a reality check for the crew that he makes them supremely uncomfortable. I think New Xander and Faith will be a very interesting relationship. Mostly because I don't think she'll be able to BS him. I assume she might show up a little earlier with Kendra's death at this point in the timeline. Anyhow, you've done a good job of keeping it interesting for me, and kept Xander at the right level in the power scale. If you want, come check out my new fic Aurora. Let me know what you think of it. -Caine
KColl2003 2008-08-23 ch 9,	abuseVery enthralling fic, like how you've upped Xander's power level while keeping him Xander. Just a question, would Xander be able to find and re-implant Angelus' soul?
Ironbear 2008-08-23 ch 9,	abuse"They didn’t stop till they’re target was killed or the contract had ended, sometimes not even that stopped them. Sounded pretty standard to him, actually." Out of curiousity, have you figured out a rationale for why the Order stopped after only three? In canon, they made a big deal out of the Tarakans keeping sending assassins until the target was dead, and then never mentioned it again once they stopped. "A human with a gun though, which made all the difference. The gun made it more real, a feel that the supernatural sometimes didn’t have to it." You know, that's actually a pretty good insight there. These kids are pretty used to bug monsters, ghosts, vampires, hyena spirits and whathaveyou, but a gun has a concrete real world menace to it that a lot of the freakier stuff doesn't have.
Kiseki no Tenshi 2008-08-14 ch 8,	abuseGreat story! Can't wait to read more!!
Ironbear 2008-08-12 ch 8,	abuse"Hey there one and all. I can’t believe I actually updated so soon. It’s a miracle. Well, hope you enjoy it and things are no picking up. I wanted to say a thank you Ironbear for his review and conversation." I got a mention! (o0) I'm famous now! ;) Hey, if I'd known it would spur faster updates, I'd review more often. ;) Interesting chapter. So, Angel's going to keep Xander's secret from Buffy unless something he does endangers Buffy or the others? Mighty white of him. Will he extend the same attitude when Buffy does something that endangers everyone? Oh wait: Angel is usually the "something" that Buffy does that endangers everybody... snicker Rhetorical question, I guess. Good story, and I'm glad to see it won't turn into a typical "Xander gets a power" tale. Look forward to the next update.
Richard Caine 2008-08-12 ch 8,	abuseI am greatly enjoying your portrayal of a very troubled Xander. I also like the fact that despite the world shattering horror of the Nightside, you're managing to swing things back to the Sunnydale scale (with one fanged and tentacled and... whatever exception). I also liked the way you handled Angel. He isn't the Angel of Angel season one yet, but you gave hints to his character and Xander's underestimating him instead of bashing him like so many YAHFs tend to do when the have a 'Super Xander'. So props for a respectful treatment of the characters. On another note, I am curious how you're going to resolve Xander's crappy family situation. Sleeping on the street in Sunnydale, no matter how light a sleeper you are, is asking to get your hide removed from your body. Or your soul added to Rack's collection. All in all, I enjoyed it so far and keep up the good work.
Ironbear 2008-08-08 ch 7,	abuseThis one of the better and more original takes on a YAHF that I've read in a long time. Interesting crossover, and a good story. For future writing, you really need to watch your homophone usage though. The frequent confusions of things such as "were, where, we're", "there, their, they're", and "hear, here" make reading your prose a bit painful in places and distract from what is an otherwise excellent story. All in all, good job. I look forward to seeing what you come up with in the future.
Canis Black 2008-08-02 ch 6,	abuseYes with the dissembling. Please - I've looked it up on Wiki and it's not the sort of thing my local library would carry so...I've never read the books and only have the vaguest idea of what's going on with the Nightside stuff.
Machiavelli Jr 2008-07-19 ch 5,	abuseAlways 3am eh? Poor Xander. He's going to be about as popular as dry rot or Apocalypses in Sunnydale for a while. Ah well, worse things happen in London. Is there more to come? You can't leave it there. Great chapter though.
Jax9 2008-07-18 ch 5,	abuseKeep Writing!
Bobboky 2008-07-17 ch 5,	abusegood

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