is it possible to get an abriged version of this story, with just the naughty stuff?

Okay. I think I've finally got my bearings together. I finished this chapter over about two weeks time roughly a month or so ago, but working my way up to reviewing this monster was...wow. I'm going to have to break this up, and keep things fairly brief so that I don't run out of characters, or you'll wind up with a 12 or so page dissertation.

Okay. First, I want to congratulate you on a masterful work of fiction. I can't tell you how many times I would sit behind my desk, reading through the day's section of a chapter before I'd realized that I had a class that was going to start...x minutes *ago.* That's good fiction. I want to applaud you on your stylization of the pairing, of the very distinct characterizations you made, and the general character progression. This coming of age story for Max was unbelievably deep, and every chapter - or, more importantly, every part and the novel-length chapters one can imagine within it - keep my attention, start to finish. Now, I'm not going to lie to you, it wasn't perfect. There were places that I thought were quite a bit uneven, and then, towards the end, things started to get a little awkward, in terms of material and content (excluded in this analysis is any reference to the sexual content; that has the distinct advantage of being its own section.) With all of that said, I'd like to break my review up into just two parts what I loved and why, and what I felt was not as strong as it could have been.

You'll find the latter section considerable shorter than the former.

First and foremost, I love that you took the challenge of writing such a difficult pairing - even looking past the age difference, we’re talking about trying to pair up a - if you’ll allow me to generalize based on what you provided in-character - Pokémon-obsessed bookworm with only so much experience under his belt and a super-eccentric, promiscuous, flamboyant homosexual party-animal drunkard.

Simply put, there’s no way to think a pair like those two should ever work out, and yet you made it feel just real enough to work. The fact that you including the typical bickering any relationship would become subjected to sooner or later added to its depth, really bringing out a sort of “this could have happened” feeling (ignoring that Pokémon’s target demographic are ten-year-olds).

You usage of Pokémon battles...that’s one thing I had a bittersweet time with. I may as well touch upon both points with this one. I loved every minute of them. I enjoyed seeing them integrated into the story as much as they were, but there were times (Misty comes to mind) where I felt the battle, while fitting, could have served either a deeper purpose (perhaps establishing a narrative between the two, giving Misty a chance to understand more about Max’s relationship before revealing she’d figured it out) instead of coming across as diversionary tactic. Overall, however, I did feel you handled their inclusion startlingly well, and perhaps I’m being unfair in my criticism of that - it is a Pokémon story, and to *not* have those battles would have been weird. Well, enough of that, let’s keep going.

My overall favorite part of this story was simply watching the evolution of Max and Harley’s relationship. It was...sketchy at the very, very beginning, with a shaky foundation, but once Max came back after Harley forced himself on him the first time, it stabilized nicely. Watching Max slowly come to terms with his relationship with Harley, then watching the two of them realize they loved one-another...exquisite.

I think that covers the really big stuff for what I really loved. Now I’d like to take this time to cover one or two points that distressed me just a bit, for various reasons. As promised, it is a short list.

First and most importantly, the sex scenes, and not because of their presence - their very nature gives the story an extra sense of character, personality. Plus, smut, done tastefully, is a reason in and of itself. My contention comes from the lack of variety coming up towards the end.

The first half of the story presented, in no particular order, featured Max’s first experience giving head (and a detailed scene on it, something he does once, maybe twice, more and those occurrences are only mentioned), his own first time receiving it, being taken missionary, from behind, in a forest, on a sleeping bag, and being on top. That was fine, though I think you could have done more scenes with him giving head - he struggled with that and his own feelings of inadequacy in performing the act, so getting to see him become more proficient and confident would have been nice.

What was not quite so fine was towards the later half, starting roughly aboard the ship to Slateport, where I noticed that the earlier sense of exploration had been lost. It just become one style of sex, and only seemed to vary in intensity - rough and rougher, but without preparation. Those later scenes could have featured him being on top more, possibly even being taken from behind - a thing I noted and was impressed by was that Max mentioned that he didn’t like it because he couldn’t see Harley’s face. Not expanding upon that almost seems a waste, especially as he become more comfortable with sex in its more primal expression, filled with that intensity that permeated through the end chapters.

The next complaint I had actually deals with Harley, for a change. As the two began fighting more, due to their differences of opinion over May, one of the common statements he makes is that Max going home to see May would have been like Max leaving him. I feel you missed a vital opportunity there - you had a chance to bring someone, anyone, Max, himself, a random neighbor, even Drew, to point out to Max or to each of them that Harley's insistence on the point could have been related to the fact that, since he hasn’t ever really had family (and when he did, he didn’t seem to care much), he can’t differentiate May being a *sister* to Max over being a romantic candidate. Explaining that point away would have gone a long way towards making that scene come across more dramatically - rather, it just felt like being a bystander to a shouting match.

I mentioned Drew - his role, though short, was something akin to a moral compass for Max, trying to get him to see what was ‘wrong’ with the relationship. He become something of a point of reference for Max, someone he could use to understand how other people would react to his relationship, and he played the role perfectly - unwittingly strengthening their bond rather than breaking it. And then he was gone - and his loss is something that pains me more than the second half of sex. He was an outside character who knew and was willing to try and be Max’s “guardian angel.” That meant that he could have filled a missing role that you touch again upon with Misty - the people beyond the two of them, whose reactions, I feel, would have positively influenced the story and, most importantly, the growth of Max and Harley as a couple.

Also, there’s a small part of me that wonders if Drew, wanting to understand why Max believes being with Harley is ‘right,’ could have found himself in a position to find out - either because of Harley’s manipulations (he did admit that he’s probably sleep with him) or, for more challenge, another confrontation that has himself wanting to see for himself, using Max in place of May like Harley did Max to Norman. I think it too could have happened, and having a ‘rival’ temporarily complete for Max’s affections (rather than just speculating on the depth of Max’s attraction to his sister), however they wanted to justify it, would have been quite involving.

Finally, and this one is short, the ending. I understand, and completely appreciate, what you did there - the cliffhanger, open-ended style. it’s just...I think you may have made it too open. Instead of just wondering if May hates Max for all time, now we have to wonder what’ll happen when Harley shows up, what will May say, how will max explain, will everyone find out...I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, I’m really not, but an epilogue to at least narrow *some* of the questions down, that’s something I think would add an extra layer of polish. As it stands, it just anti-climatic - you’ve been building to that very moment the entire story - over 250,0 words, mind you - and it ends without any form of clear resolution, just more questions. I strong feel, and urge you with the full of my intangible power, to expand on the ending, clarifying some of the biggest points - what does May think of Harley showing up on her doorstep, especially after everything he did/said to her, and why is Max with him? - would add a true measure of completion to your magnificent tale.

Alright, I’ve said my piece. In summary, I really enjoyed the story you wrote, and every moment I spent reading it was well worth the time and energy (and the eye strain, monitors are not books, which is what this should be). I’m amazed at your talent at rationalizing and developing such a difficult topic, pairing, and setting, and, despite a few things I personally felt you could have expanded on, I would read this story again - something I’m actually in the process of again, this time with a day planner. Though I felt most strongly that you should extend the ending into an epilogue, I would understand if you’ve decided to let this story stand on its own two legs.
Regardless of what you do, you’ve written a profound piece of work, and I can give no less as a reader than this humble review.

-Iron Reaver

As I write this... Last review for this masterpiece, I can't help but remember when I first stumbled upon this story. I'm very hesitant as I write this, because by writing this I accept that it's truly done, or so you say. On the night of christmas eve I have recieved the gift of a truly great story to take to heart. I've really enjoyed it, but I hope you don't forget in all your glory, that this pairing no matter how unknown, is nothing short of a stroke of genius. For this I thank you. I thank you for giving all of us who enjoyed this story something to look for to. I have seen many authors who try and fail, but when some succeed. It is the truly great stories which are born. Stories like these.

Sincerly Yours (And wishing you happy holidays)
Prince Fluffy

-always wonders why she's at least one day late getting these chapters- Ah, well, no use worrying about it now~

Again, really REALLY enjoyed this chapter (obviously, how could I not? It's the last one T.T) but I believe I already said this before, but I'm going to so bug you to write more on this pairing. Really...Realy...-pokes-

And you're very welcome! I consider it a treat to read something like this! (considering up till you sent me this, I thought it was non-existant), aren't you glad you uploaded it now? XD

But anyways, you know I'm going to want you to continue this, since I dislike teh suspensful endings, but in the end it's up to! Awesome AWESOME fanfic, the best I've read in possibly ever! -hugs- so congrats on getting it all nice and finished up! And in under a year, like you aimed for! -claps-

(Also, happy holidays~)

...You...are a very cruel person. I say this with a highly amused but resigned feeling.
What a way to end things! I'm still reeling a bit xD
Wow, that ending can result in so many things...

The ending aside though, I really love Harley in this chapter (even if he's not there much). Ah, and Max of course. Back when I first started reading this story, I wondered how you'd make these two even remotely work.
And you did it, brilliantly. They were never the "perfect couple", and I appreciate the fact that they bickered about stupid things. It was very refreshing, and of course, the pairing was too.

I'd mentioned in a previous review (though this time I found my old account and poked it with a stick till it twitched and lived again) that the Max/May thing had made me uncomfortable. And in the end, it still did. Maybe I'm just not in to het incest? Either way, Max's behavior towards the very end did make me flinch a bit, but mainly because I kept envisioning everything with Harley falling apart when he looked at her. Made me very sad.
Alas, this was so open ended I'm at a loss :P Anyways, I just wanted to say that despite something that would normally make me walk away, your writing style, characterization, dialogue, and determination to see this through (despite agonizing edits) really impressed me, and there was no way I was leaving this story behind.


On that note, I'm very happy that you were able to see this through to the end, so for that; thank you, and congratulations!
I'm curious to see whether or not you decide to follow up on this, even if it is just writing something like a one-shot for this pairing. Once again, thank you for your hard work, and I'm very grateful to have been able to read this story, with all it's Harley antics and very yummy scenes.

I think this is definitely one of my favorite chapters from this, if not for this line/scenerio:

“I smell good, too.”

“And, you accused me of getting a complex?”

Then for the fact that Harley has a fear. A fear of heights XD (just like me!) I would've never pegged this as a fear of his, but once I think about it, it really suits him!

Only one more chapter to go? Dangit...now I'm going to have to start bugging you about what you're going to do after this -pokes- (and again sorry for the late review, had exams to study for nearly this entire month X.x)

but I hope you're having a wonderful holiday (so far)! Keep up the great work, and update whenever you can!

Oh god, my heart, she is breaking D:
Despite that, I'm still in love with this story. It's fantastic.
I desperately want a Chatot plush and candy floss to cheer me up, now >_>
Haha, I'm hoping the next chapter doesn't utterly devastate me, but I've got a sinking feeling it will. Even if it does, I'll still love it

oh max. why? that poor foolish boy is leaving the the best man ever for that she-thing! i really love your work but it's breaking my heart. i could not come up with enough words to describe how your story makes me feel. but i can say this, it's amazing.

;_;

I thought this chapter was just...awesome. I can't believe Max just left without saying anything else though.

...I do have to kinda feel for Harley, though; it's not like he has any brothers or sisters, so it's not like he really truly knows a...brotherly or sisterly bond.

It's interesting to see his mixed feelings, too-he knows that he doesn't want to see Max crying, and yet at the same time, he still feels that he can't go to see May.

...I'm also just kinda interested as to what's going to go on when Max actually does see May. Is he gonna something?

I'm eagerly awaiting a conclusion, but at the same time, this is an awesome story. So...it's like...yeah. I want to read the final chapter, but at the same time, after that it's the end ;__;

this is really brilliant though.

This is really great

Urrgh...sorry for not reviewing for the last chapter >.< (long story short: computer crashed. Sis's fault.)

but anyway~

The tension continues to rise. Yes. Poor Max though, having to choose between Harley and May XP -really dislikes Harley in this part- though he's terribly in character so it's like. two good things. But. Agh XP

-eagerly awaits the next chapter- Good luck on the editing! (it's probably the only downfall of long chapters ^^; )

I don't really care much about this shipping, but you portrayed it really well. You deserve an A+!

...You know, I can only read this and think to myself "Is it healthy to be addicted to somethin you read..." The only answer ofcourse is yes. It's brilliant. A cressdressing Max is and interresting prospect. But do you know which direction you're going to take this in. I personally think that he should choose Harley. But whatever you have in mind, I can only image it to be great. For once I give you a real review. And can only wish that a brilliant (and Pervy) Mind like yours continues to create works like this.

I still can't get over how awesome this fic is. :33 It's probably one of the most well-written fics that has the most attention that I've seen in a /long/ time.

That being said I'm a bad reviewer (which sucks for me because this story is so awesome) but I just love everything in this story and think that it's all absolutely wonderful.

I can't help but feel that the end's gonna be sad, though (I've actually gotten that feeling since I read the title and the first chapter of this) although I have no idea what's going to happen or not, being as I'm not you.

I think Max is developed so well in this story, and no one seems out-of-character at all.

Srsly, your writing is wonderful and I love the attention to detail in all of it.

I'd comment on chapter 10 but I don't really have much advice, nothing stood out as strange/awkward or anything.

...It's Beautiful. I can't pry myslef away. I just love your work and it makes me happy to know your continuing it. It st makes me smile knowing there's something liked this to look forward to reading.
Wishing you well-
Prince Fluffy