   Schermionie 6/2/08 . chapter 1Finally! Akira/Hikaru friendship!
Anyway. It wasn't... really that funny, but this -is- just a first chapter, and I expect there'll be more opportunities for humour later. I'd like to see what you do with this, anyway.
If you'll take my advice, though, stop using Japanese phrases randomly. They're already speaking Japanese we're just seeing it in English. It can be quite disruptive to the flow of the story if there isn't a good reason to use words from another language. Also, "?" is not grammatically correct. Either have one question mark or one exclamation mark; if you want to show that a character is frustrated/angry/whatever, then either rely on the reader to understand that this is the case or show it with his body language/expressions/actions. After all, Hikaru is "infuriated" and slams his fist against the wall, so we can tell what tone of voice he'd be using when confronting Akira.
I'm sorry to be so critical, because this is a nice, solid beginning. I thought I should just give you some advice, especially as you ask for con crit in your profile. As I said, I'm interested in reading the rest.
One last thing. How will they go to the toilet? |
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