It's been over a month and it'll be great if we can have chapter 25. the wait is killing me. Pls. xoxo-

This is really good update soon.

Konnichi wa

I’ll jump right in. No need to go on about the guilt here, too. This is all about you now. :)

I would change the phrasing of your second sentence, but keep in mind it’s only a personal preference. “The world was a burning white behind his eyelids” to “The world burned white behind his eyelids.” It’s just the phrasing, but I tend to like shorter better, I guess.

Little Soldier—it sounds so poetic. I love that you used that. It made me sad, just in those two little words, that one little name. Little Soldier. It’s so telling. It’s so paradoxical, which I think is what makes it so rammed with emotion. Soldier—but little, my little soldier. So unexpected. So painful. :(

“a thousand terrified demons called out in terror.” That sounds repetitive with the “terrified” and “terror.” It works if you take out the “terrified” altogether, leave out the adjective before “demons.” It’s unnecessary.

I assume, somehow, this is Roman calling him. (Weird, I just wrote Foxworth instead of Roman. I think it’s because the last scene I read of him was between Leo and him, and since Leo called him Foxworth, that’s the image I had in my mind. Still, I changed it because it sounded awkward in my head.) How is he calling him, though? If this is indeed Roman speaking.

“and the bright light began to burn cold.” Fabulous line. Just fabulous. That whole paragraph was unbelievably poetic.

- - -

Uh-oh, you mentioned Seamus and Dean, which you don’t tend to do just out of the blue. Which means something happened with them and Dior. What, though? It can be one of two things that’s got them disgruntled—either something that DID happen or something that DIDN’T…

“that suggested the act of expelling air was a task to be reckoned with” Hah! What a great line!

Oh, Dior is sick. In the span of about thirty seconds, they named three people he just hooked up with. Thirty seconds. That is just terrible.

Make that four.

Love that Harry is so purposefully NOT getting involved here. Every time he notices something, he conveniently takes a large spoonful of porridge or a large swallow of pumpkin juice. It’s classic. :D

I’m impressed that Hermione still wants anything to do with Chris after what happened, by the way. I don’t know if I ever mentioned that. I guess right now she just wants some maturity, and while Chris is perhaps a bit too mature, after the boys’ pathetic display she probably doesn’t mind an extreme in that direction.

“Oh wait. You’re right. It was Daphne Greengrass.” Hah! Love how he’s so ridiculously out of it that he just continues the conversation as if nothing happened. You wrote that scene perfectly. :)

Again, nit-picky: “Harry sighed and pondered” would sound better “Harry sighed as he pondered.” Too many ands.

- - -

I’m so not surprised that Chris orbed that potion “nowhere in particular.” In fact, I would have been shocked if he DID take it. That’ll be the day—when he takes without question a potion Snape gives him. Actually, that would make for a poignant scene later on in the story.

I like that you have Chris with Leo right in front of him, and yet Leo is perhaps the only person who doesn’t go through his mind. He thinks of Wyatt, Bailey, Paige, and then Dior. He thinks of the back of his head and a necklace—but not Leo, who is the only one currently in the room with him of all the people who crossed his mind.

“Where is triangular pendant wasn’t.” I like the way you worded that.

Why does a coil turn tightly in his chest because of the clothes and the note?

Remind me—what amulet did his mother make? Or was it just a protection charm on the amulet that Bailey gave him? I can’t remember.

I’m glad Chris asked if Paige was still alive. It would have bothered me if he hadn’t cared enough to, or had pretended he didn’t care enough to. So I’m glad you had that part.

Dior, ask? That doesn’t sound like him. Now, refuse to so that someone else has to… THAT sounds like Dior.

Chris receded “in shock.” I don’t know if that’s the right word choice. I feel like it would have sounded better maybe in disgust or fury or something. Shock doesn’t seem to fit as well. Also, I think sighing isn’t the greatest choice for Leo at this moment. Chris recoils, and Leo sighs? I think a more sudden action would be appropriate. Maybe his eyes fell, maybe he looked shocked himself, I don’t know.

Good for Hermione, sticking up for herself! She says “fair enough” but changes her mind because she’s got her own rights in this relationship. It’s not just one-sided; it shouldn’t be all about Chris. She is a person, too. Good girl.

“He didn’t ask to whom she spoke of,” I believe the “to” makes the sentence incorrect. The real way to say it would be “He didn’t ask of whom she spoke,” but of course most would write “He didn’t ask whom she spoke of” so either is fine. (Actually, most would forget “whom” altogether, but we’re going to pretend that’s not the case.)

I like the “uncomfortable familiarity.” An interesting juxtaposition. Most people associate the familiar with being comfortable, but not Chris. :)

“Christopher paid no attention, her spaced out glances setting him on edge.” This doesn’t make sense. If he pays it no attention, he won’t be set on edge. If he is set on edge, that means he’s paying it attention, whether or not active attention.

“I think I sprained my tongue last night.” That is so disgusting.

Kitty, heh. Great nickname for Chris. It just suits him SO well. *wink*

“Wow – how did you end up in Gryffindor?”

Hah, I’m sure she’s not the only one. That was a great scene by the way, with Dior just rambling. I feel like it could have used a bit more detail in the way of imagery, but I’m not too picky about that for that particular scene. It worked pretty well as it was.

“I flirted with the Sorting Hat,” You know who Dior reminds me of? Captain Jack—flirting with not just everyONE but everyTHING.

I’m surprised Hermione had no qualms about revealing the password to someone in a different House, no matter who it was.

It’s interesting that Hermione, who hates Dior with a passion, now finds herself walking along with him because he’s with Chris. It’s one of those classic trios where two people who despise each other learn to deal with each other because they have the same best friend or something. Just a bit of an extreme case here. I wonder if she’ll ever learn to tolerate Dior. I assume so. I hope so anyway. She apparently likes Chris more than she hates Dior. That’s something, at least.

What was that little thing with Chris just now? How he let Dior touch him until they were out of sight and then snapped at him. What was that about? Chris was never one for hiding things because he was out in the open that I can recall.

- - -

I can’t remember—does Hermione know of Chris’s association with Roman? I can’t seem to recall.

Hm, interesting clues leading to something, to answers she hopes to find. Who sent this again? Or have you not told us? I’m guessing Draco, but I’m not sure. It has been a while since I’ve been here. (I couldn’t help that little bit of guilt from leaking through.)

- - -

What’s in that little wooden box?

I like that they’re comfortable with each other. It’s really sweet, even if the word “sweet” doesn’t seem like it would ever fit with either Dior or Chris. Still, it is.

Well, that's all I've got right now. I know it's short. I guess I'm still trying to slip back into things. I can't promise I'll have the long reviews I used to have. Life is still being pretty intense, but that's something to discuss in private, not here for the world to read. So I can't promise I'll have as much time on my hands as I used to - but hopefully nothing like before will happen again, where I disappear for so long.

Hoping to speak to you soon,
Shan

Sorry it took so long to review. Excellent chapter! Wow, Dior really got around. Lookin forward to the next update, hope its soon. :D

W.O.W.
Whoa, im so speechless!
Omge, this is like, the best fanfic, EVERR !!
Arggh! It's so awesome (Y)
You have to update soon, no pressure :)
But, like yea, its, like, wow!
You make Chris sound so smart, which makes you smart.
The story is smart, it has so much knowledge in it!
Your such a great, no, brilliant author!
If you ever published a book, i would so buy it.

UPDATE SOON =)

see? you know you have a great author when the chapters with nothing exciting are still exciting. This was great! I like the mystery and the chris/hermione friendship. its great

HEy it wasn't bad. i mean i wish there was more but i understand for not writting its hard to get ideas out. and thanks for mentioning me!!

You're right. Dior is fun to play around with. I don't suppose theres a chance that he'll do something with one of the two main boys of the HP series is there? (that'd shake things up quite nicely. lol).

glad to see an update :)

This story is seriously like... one of the hidden gems on this site... Its a surpprise that you don't have more reviews! (Well heres one more for ya :).)

Aha, Dior the "bloody energiser bunny"... That sounds pretty appropriate xD Just how many people did he hook up with!? And he flirted with the Sorting Hat... thats just so..*him*... Seriously though, I love the dude. You're a genius for inveting him :)

Aww, I really feel sorry for Chris.. his relationship with his father always makes me sigh.. And all that stuff with Bailey... geez.. its no wonder he's so messed up in the head!

So the Golden Trio have finally found out about Wyatt, huh? That should make for some interesting times... Damn, they're just too nosy for their own good!

And your chapter wasn't completely pointless! I loved it :)

'Til you next update! Thanks for the read :)

Oh wow Dior must be loving Hogwarts! I liked the moment between Dior and Chris! It was fantastic! You are such an incredible author!

Awesome chapter!
Can't wait for the next update!

[Continued from Page 2]

- - -

I don’t understand. Bailey isn’t an idiot. He and Chris were really close, and he realized that. Why would he think killing himself wouldn’t affect Chris?

Oh, I’m curious about this whole memory of resurrection. Care to have it in a future chapter?

“I probably know you better than you know yourself.”

Well, that’s not hard considering Chris doesn’t know himself at all, really.

[By the way, this is a few hours later that I’ve returned to the story, long after my medication has worn off so forgive the lacking of the “thought” department.]

“You couldn’t be the best at magic, so you turned your back on it and rejected it. You couldn’t save me, you couldn’t save Charlie; you tried to fight the war on both sides, tried to destroy your brother from the belly of the beast…and when you couldn’t, you turned your back on Good, on your destiny, and said that it wasn’t worth it, anyway. …that saving lives is foolish and…why would you sacrifice yourself for anyone?”

Wow, we just got Chris in a nutshell, didn’t we? That was really quite insightful.

“Bailey paused for a moment and reached over, causing Christopher to flinch away from his touch.”

The “causing” sounds awkward. Maybe something like, “and reached over, but Christopher flinched…” It’s simple but it flows better.

Hmm, you’re walking a very fine line here with Bailey’s speech. On the one hand, it’s exactly what Chris needs to hear and very moving. On the other hand, it’s borderline cliché. You’re toeing a very fine line. Then again, isn’t that what a good writer does best—toe the line, that is? I’m still unsure what I think of his little speech. Debating. You haven’t thrown yourself over the This Is Bad line, but I’m still pondering over whether I think you laid it on a bit thick. I think, for right now, at least, it’s not too, too much. If you continue along this vein, though, it will probably turn sour.

Wow, you bring a very powerful message here—the whole idea that, after all Chris has done, he very well may not make it. You know, in the back of your mind, you always feel, “He’s doing bad things, but in his heart he’s really misguided so it isn’t his fault. He won’t get punished for it.” You forget the very basic thing, though, that HE HAS DONE EVIL. Whether for good intentions, for bad intentions, or for misguided ones, it’s not always “the inside that counts.” He must still be held accountable for his actions.

That’s a scary thought on all levels, not just in the story. In real life, too. You feel sometimes like you won’t get punished for things you’ve done because, well, you had good intentions or because, well, you were angry when you did it—weren’t thinking straight or whatever. For example, when you ditch a class because your friend was crying in a bathroom stall and you stayed to comfort her. That is a worthwhile excuse, and the teacher may understand, but at the end of the day YOU DITCHED CLASS. You must be held accountable. (Obviously that’s only on a very basic level but you get my thought drift.)

“You’ll still be that same cynical, arrogant, nihilistic bastard you always were.”

In the wise words of Piper, “Super pep-talk, sis!” (Please modify quote accordingly.)

I like that quote—that “destiny is only a suggestion.” That’s a good quote. Did you come up with it yourself? Can I quote you there?

Dior brought Chris to Hogwarts? When did that happen? I thought Snape saved Chris…?

“There’s nothing more I can say…It’s up to you now.”

*gag* Sorry. That’s just WAY too cliché for this. That pushed it over the edge. Everything else worked well in the end, I think, but you CAN’T use that line. It was way too Matrix for this story. You’re not writing a parody, so you must keep away from phrases like “It’s up to you now.”

“Live fast and be brilliant”—Is that from somewhere? If it isn’t, is it something they said to each other often? If not, you should make it such. You should make it…I don’t know, the last thing Chris said to Bailey before he went and off-ed himself, or the last thing Bailey said to him.

I’m super excited to read Chris’s first reaction after waking up. I wonder whom he’ll want to see first. Dior? Probably not Leo, but you never know. Snape? Nah, probably not, although I would adore that. Still, it wouldn’t fit with the current context, probably. Although, you know, you could have Snape be the one in the room when he wakes. *blinks innocently* You know, just a thought. My two cents and all.

Other than that last little quote, the scene worked. I was a bit hesitant about it, but you came through, as you always do. Kudos!

- - -

Hah! Read and reseal and Dior won’t immediately know? Like he won’t SMELL their grubby little hands all over it? Yeah right! I’d like to see them try that.

In this sense, Roman reminds me a bit of Nicholas Flammel. Except more handsome, I imagine.

What is a “Dewey code”?

“Voldemort was after his blood, so it wasn’t that farfetched of a thought.”

I feel like, as much as Harry hates that he’s so singled-out for something that he didn’t even contribute to, he would still feel a spark jealous, or feel the slightest bit of animosity towards Chris at the prospect of him being equally high on Voldemort’s hit-list, you know? He’s been Special for so long, the only one the Dark Lord wants more than anything (aside from Dumbledore, which is expected anyway) that, with competition, he feels almost brushed aside. Suddenly, he’s not as important anymore. That might feel a bit… unpleasant, even if the attention was not desired in the first place.


“Harry dunked the tip of his quill into the ink and scrawled his name at the top of the page.”

Heh, that made me laugh. It was just funny in its simplicity. He’s still at his name, can’t get any farther than that. *chuckles*

Uh-oh. I really hope Seamus and Dean haven’t shredded any sense of dignity they have with Dior. If they have… poor souls. :P

“You want me to open it?”

Hah, I bet Ron’s endlessly frustrated over that. He spent the entire time battling with his ethics (aka, Hermione) NOT to open it because it was morally wrong… and then in prances Dior who casually asks him why he hasn’t yet read it! That’s just classic.

You ended THERE? *pouts* I want more! *wail* Although I can't really complain, with how I've dropped off the map for the last how-long. :P Fine. But still. Please update soon.

Ha det
-Shan-

[Continued from Page 1]

“as he wondered if Dior was implying that it was he who….Harry quickly cleared his mind, unwilling to venture any further with this thought.”

Like I said, far too clean-of-mind.

“So, you’re American, then?”

Whoops. Shouldn’t have said that. I don’t think Dior will appreciate the mistake.

“the hum of a thousand animated voices chattering hit him like a brick wall to the face. He grimaced”

I know you have a long chapter as it is, but I think this little piece would have benefited from a bit more detail. About the sound, you know? Just a thought, though.

“American? No.” said Dior

Just a grammatical mistake here. When you have a continuation of the sentence that was a quotation (e.g. “said Dior”), you put a comma within the quotation, not a period. So it would be “No,” said Dior. I’m not sure if that was just a careless error or if you didn’t know it. Either way, there you go.

“was flirting with Ginny.”

Does he have a special place in his heart for red-heads, or was she just the first pretty thing he saw that breathed? Hm, actually, come to think of it, why hasn’t he flirted with Harry yet? I would like to see a scene like that. *grin*

“watching the two with obvious disdain”

That’s all? Ron doesn’t go attack this strange newcomer for even walking within arm’s length of his little sister? Why not?

What are “kippers”?

- - -

Aw, Chris is cute. I like this Chris. Still stubborn but also still innocent.

“Well…no…I’ll start one, then.”

Hah, how very like a child to say something like that. A simple solution to a gargantuan problem, huh?

“I’ve got pull with the Big Man upstairs”

Eh, that doesn’t really work when a little kid says it. It’s more of an adult thing to say, I think. I like the sentiment, though. I also liked learning the circumstances under which Bailey gave Chris the medallion.

Again, Chris correcting Bailey’s grammar—and the idea of a child thinking “that Bailey truly believed everything he was saying,” implying that he didn’t and was wise enough to notice that Bailey was naïve enough to believe it—is a bit past that age. At that point, they don’t see believing in God as a choice of faith. Little children aren’t the ones to decide such philosophical things. They usually just go with what their parents believe. Even understanding it, they don’t really UNDERSTAND it. Does that make sense? I know Bailey and Chris are advanced for their age, but I still think it would be a bit out of their grasp.

“and smelled of nostalgia and of days long gone.”

I’m going to be nitpicky here. As poetic as the phrase sounds, it doesn’t really make sense in this context. This bed holds no memories for Chris, so why would it resurrect nostalgia and “days long gone”? Maybe the peace he felt in the morning awakened those feelings, but if that’s the case you should write that, not the bed sheets. It just doesn’t sound like it fits.

Wait! Wait! Wait! I forgot that he’s not at Hogwarts anymore, is he? Okay, I take all of that back. In fact, now it fits perfectly. Sorry!

Another Blueberry Waffles in Chopin’s Sonata No. 3.

“with every small detail so slightly incorrect.”

Wo. I just shivered. That is so creepy—to have everything just… There’s just -something- about it that’s wrong, even though you can’t quite put your finger on what.

“a boy sitting by the fireplace”

Bailey, I assume?

“You were always a sore loser. You could never accept that you don’t always win. You could never accept the possibility that you may be wrong. You could never accept that even Superman fails at times.”

Hm, Chris is very like Wyatt in that way, isn’t he? Except that Wyatt didn’t feel he needed to BE Superman. He didn’t care about anyone but himself.

“but you never failed. You were never meant to succeed in the first place.”

I assume he’s talking about himself committing suicide?

I love the way you described that: “followed his hatred down the hall…” That was stunning imagery there. I felt like I saw his hatred storm out of the house. Very cool, in a creepy sort of way.

- - -

“mere afterthoughts weeded out of a flight of ideas”

Beautiful imagery.

By the way, what did those non-English words mean?

Love seeing Dior actually TRULY angry. You see it so rarely, after all, because he hides everything behind his immaturity.

Love that the cell phone is described ambiguously as a “muggle device” since, from Snape’s point of view, that’s all it is. Unidentifiable. And beyond that, I’m sure Snape LOVES the idea of Dior finding his class an excuse to “blow stuff up.” He must be REALLY looking forward to it now, huh?

“I tried so hard to be a good father…”

And I’m sure Snape cares tremendously about all of this.

“whitelighter-to-bes”

It would be “whitelighters-to-be.” You plural-ify the first word. Like “sister-in-law” becoming “sisters-in-law.”

Ten million? That seems kind of steep for some random kid delinquent, don’t you think?

“Christopher broke a two-thousand-year-old ceramic sculpture from the Hans Dynasty and pretty much destroyed the place trying to evade capture”

Ah.

So if all these resulting psychoses are being held back by the runes, why is it that he’s still so… well, psychotic?

- - -

[Continued on Page 3]

konnichi wa

Don’t know how long I can read right now because I have so much to do, but I’m still on the effects of the drugs so maybe the review will at least be up to par this time. We’ll see as I progress. I’d better start before it starts to wear off, though.

“Of Runes and Ruins”—like that title, although I probably didn’t have to say that. I also like that it corresponds to Harry Potter. It made me think of Hermione with her Runes class. I’m not even really sure what they are. Does it have anything to do with Chris’s tattoo? Is that a “rune”? Some sort of shape that invested with magic? Or a series of shapes, like those Japanese trees that are cut in certain ways to give your home different forms of luck: for children, for wealth, etc.?

“there was something shirtless and half-asleep about the stranger.”

*cracks up* What a line! What a line! =D That was great. I think I’m going to use that style in my next creative writing assignment. Sheer genius, I tell you! There’s something vaguely shirtless about this person, but I can’t quite figure out what it is. Haha! *wipes tears* That was just great.

From either Surrey or Kent? Wait, what sort of accent does Dior have again? (And where is Kent?)

Really? “Frosty tone”? Dior doesn’t strike me as a “frosty tone” kind of guy. He’s more bubbly, psychotic, horrifyingly cheerful, all that jazz. We so rarely see him as serious, and even in those times—never really frosty that I can recall. He’s been cruel and bitter and just plain mean, even grave. I can’t remember frosty, though. Ah well, perhaps another facet of him, then.

Eight? Eight o’clock is an “ungodly hour”? Since when? In that case, I have to wake up an hour before “godly” every day of the week, just to get to school. Let’s all pity Shan now. By the way, whatever happened to that Marcus fellow?

“Neville,” he repeated. “Really? How unfortunate.”

Now there’s the Dior we all know and love. :) Poor Neville that he had to get the brunt of it, but in all fairness it’s true. Who names a boy Neville, seriously? And by the way, it is so perfect that he singled out Neville about parents disliking, what with his parents being worse-than-dead and all.

“Kind of like Cher and Madonna.”

First off, will they get the reference? Secondly, that sounds familiar. Who said that—season six, I think. Was it Jason?

Speaking of Jason, whoever that character is, I saw him somewhere recently. Where was it, where was it? Oh yes! It was on that Grey’s Anatomy show. Have you ever seen it? I don’t watch it, but I saw a few episodes on youtube recently. He’s a funny character on it, too. Heh heh, Dior would like him, I think. At least what I saw of him. As the show goes on, I think he gets more human, but when I saw him he was still funny. You know, before you start thinking of him as a real person with actual emotions and see only his snarky outside and somewhat amusing actions. And, of course, his appearance, that being the cute-factor. *wink*

“There was a period of silence, in which he seemed to be sizing Harry up.”

Hm, interesting. So he finds Harry more intelligent that he originally assumed, or so it seems. I guess Harry didn’t guess too far off--? I’m curious what Dior’s thinking right now. He seems so unreadable at times like these, when he’s actually -thinking- and all, or at least dropping the pretense that he’s not, anyway.

“around to dorm”

Typo. Around THE dorm.

“My, uh, what?”
“Your books… You know, for your classes…”
“For WHAT…?”

The poor Hogwarts students; they must be SO confused. First, some American kid joins their year, a definite danger to them, if not to himself. And now enters another student, two months into the school year, who doesn’t even know he’s a student. They must be completely bewildered!

“where you sit at desks and learn about various subjects for approximately fifty-minutes at a time…?”

Be careful here. I know it’s easy to fall back on sarcasm, especially when that’s the first thing that would come to your mind, but if memory serves I don’t think Harry is all that big on sarcasm. He uses a bit of it, but I’m pretty sure it comes up rarely, like when he was really angry all the time in the fifth book. I’m not saying it doesn’t work because it still has that innocence about it, but I would be wary about using sarcasm for his character. Just my two cents, anyway.

“that suggested he hadn’t quite made the connection between school and learning.”

Heehee, nice line there.

“I mean, I dig the slutty librarian look…”

Oh, ew. That whole paragraph was wrong in so many ways and on so, so very many levels.

“I’ve always thought of boarding schools as a really bad porn movie…”

Of course you have; of course you have.

“Harry gaped at Dior and paused to scrub his mind clean of the image that had forcefully intruded upon his thoughts.”

Don’t bother. It won’t come off. It was written in permanent marker. No matter how many times you scrub, it will continue to shine just as brightly. Just give up now while you still have the energy to do so.

“he forgot all about the vanishing stair and grabbed onto the railing to prevent his inevitable fall.”

In my creative writing class we have a term for this. On the first day of class, when we went around reading things we had written a few minutes before, one girl read off her piece—and in it had something about her “blueberry waffles” getting soggy or something. Our teacher adored the line. She said it really gave the piece a personal touch. Now, any time someone has a personal touch like that, which nobody would say is -lacking- in a story but when added is definitely noticed as a great addition—we call it a “blueberry waffle.” Anyway, this whole little blurb is a Blueberry Waffle. Nobody would have thought, “Oh, Sam should have added something about a vanishing step,” but adding it was pure genius nonetheless.

“my entire life is a really…good porn movie.”

What an accurate way to describe Dior’s life, eh?

“than that fancy, preppy school of Chris’.”

That must have perked Harry’s interest, right? This Dior person knows Chris.

“straining to follow Dior’s train of thought.”

Harry is far too innocent and clean-of-mind to follow Dior’s trains of thought.

“Did you say ‘Chris’?”

I was wondering when it would register. Good job, Harry. Not TOO far behind.

[Continued on Page 2]

Love this story!