Exellent so far. But needs another chapter!

Well. The IDEA and all is great but...

The paragraphing is all awkward and kinda annoying and not done properly at all. That's easy to fix though. Some mistakes in spelling, again, easy to fix.

The pacing is way too fast as well, and maybe you should slow it down just a tad. Everything is all happening so fast, it gives the story a rushed feeling and makes it seem like you just wanted to get the story over with and didn't even bother to take your time to make it good. Some proofreading, a little more meat to the chapters and someone who can beta for you would be a big help. Especially a beta, as they would catch spelling and plotholes you miss in the story.

Also, the author's notes in the middle of the story shouldn't be in the middle of the story. They should be in the beginning or at the end. Having them in the middle of a dialogue or in the midle of a sentence jerks you right out of the story and interrupts it. It can be slightly annoying to be just getting into the story and all of a sudden come across an author's note telling you "the random backpack is a plothole."

And using a "plothole" as an excuse for a random backpack seems a little lazy and gives me the impression you don't really want the readers to care enough to stick around. It'd have been much easier for her to steal a backpack or someone's wallet than have one randomly appear and then just throw in a note that it's a plothole.

All in all, the story and idea for the story in itself is wonderful, it's simply the execution of said idea that needs some work.

- G'luck, Kelp.

oh cliffy. It's a really goodpoint for a cliffy, even though i hate em (first many storys i read were all complete soi got used to no cliffys.)

=P

anyway, as i think i said below sometime, i like this story. it's got a decent flow to it, and better grammer than many.

Yeesh. For some reason, I never was a huge fan of Ash...how strange. I never liked him so I made his cousin Ashley, and she's awesome...and she's not-ah-THICK-HEADED like Ash, to put it bluntly. No offense to Ash-lovers. o.O
Eh, no sweat, Ash has always seemd this dense. I mean, you HAVE to have been dense to not notice Pikachu's ears! XD I think Pikachu should name herself Berry, Kairi, or Pika. ^^
Oh, something I should mention: I've been thinking about writing a fic like this for a LONG time. Sigh. Guess it's back to the drawing board. Or I use something else with a different plot line. Yeah...that's what I'll do. ^^

i like it!

and i want more...


UPDATE!
or else... Mwaahahahahahaha!

interesting by far!

only in california lol that is funny. i like it, random and weird but funny, keep going