   Simmetra
2008-06-21 . chapter 1Hiya Tammy! This review doesn't count for RK, it's just because ^^ So you haven't had one of my reviews yet, so I'm just gonna explain a few things before I get started. If anything sounds harsh, please don't take it personally, I really have your best intentions at heart. I review as I read so generally I have all the errors corrected first and then I have the story's overview at the end along with some suggestions for improvement. So let's begin, shall we?
"...who knew what Nadia was getting herself into while he was out…" I don't think you need the ellipsis here. It isn't a proper trail off moment.
"...To avoid being violently ill, the vampire found himself violently swearing in the depths of his soul..." the two 'violently' in this same sentence makes things sound a bit redundant. I'd find a synonym for one of them. Also 'in' should be 'to'
"...if he had ever asked her about it that he wouldn’t like the answer..." I would replace the 'that' with 'then' so it reads: 'if he had ever asked her about it, then he wouldn't like the answer..."
"...He never asked where she got it from; having the feeling..." should be a comma instead of a semi-colon
"Gods above and below, he hated this…" What an interesting choice of phrase =) This is classic characterizing right here.
"...he hadn’t taken too (much) blood..." left out a word there
"...A bitter smile twisted his lips as he mentally agreed with her. (agreed with what? the naming of the tower?) Galen had always admired his twin sister’s way with words. (Is he being sarcastic?) He knew that he was brewing(?) himself into a truly black humor(?), but Galen knew that avoiding his twin would only make it worse, and upset her in the process..." This just threw me in for a loop. I don't see how 'Vamp tower' is creative enough for Galen to think that his sister has a way with words. Brewing is a weird word choice for the context that you have here. It makes me think of soup or coffee. Black humor...you lost me there xP But don't worry, we've all been there, I make mistakes like these all the time. Sometimes the way we say things might be clear to us, but lost on the reader's minds.
"...Galen’s bad mood soured(soared?) even more..." I think the 'even more' is just too wordy at this point. "Galen's bad mood soared when he got back to the shielded glass building..." works just as fine.
"...He snapped, putting a bored expression on his face..." This seems kind of contradictory. Why would he snap, and then look bored?
"...books of every (kind?) seemed to be everywhere he could see..."
"...finally took off the (his?) sunglasses..."
"...see his copper haired twin’s head bent over..." You have several examples of Nadia's red hair color already. There's a nice saying that goes: Say it once, say it right. For me personally, I like it here best. It works well and copper-haired actually is a better description than the ones you used previously. I dunno, it just seems to fit.
"...topaz blue eyes that seemed enlarged and framed by the copper frames of her glasses." Topaz blue? That doesn't make sense, unless she has two different eye colors. Topaz is gold, as far as I'm concerned. And you used copper again here, which is fine, but I would just find another synonym just to be on the good side. Bronze perhaps? Also, the 'seemed enlarged and framed' does not work for me. Perhaps you meant seemed enlarged /because/ it was framed by the copper frames? Or if you really want to say seemed enlarged AND she wore glasses, I would just start a separate sentence.
Oh so Nadia is in a wheelchair? That's kinda neat. It's different. Is she a vampire? I would think so because she's supposed to be Galen's twin, but then again, he said something earlier about being afraid to endanger her, so I wasn't too sure.
"...pulled out the empty antidote bottle and gave it to her..." I don't know too much about the fandom to know what that's supposed to mean. Something significant though, I bet :D You're gonna need to explain this to me sometime.
"...Galen hated the bitter laugh that crawled its way out of his mouth..." I like this line, I like how you worded it :)
"...It’s getting stronger twin..." Wow, he actually calls her 'twin'? *laughs* Galen says weird things. Before it was that gods above comment, now this. I'm sorry if that wasn't your intention, I don't mean to say it out of spite, I like Galen and the way he speaks :) I actually think it's an interesting character quirk.
Nice little bit of exchanging dialogue here between Galen and Nadia. The interaction between them seems genuine, and they seem really close, like they've been through a lot together. It makes me smile, and it really is an interesting relationship. A vampire brother and then a handicap sister. But yeah. I love it when siblings are depicted as close, I hate it when they're always arguing/distant. It's a pet peeve of mine, plus its cliche. I guess it helps though that they're twins xP
"...Taking them from her absently..." This would make more sense if it was worded differently. Like: "Absentmindedly, he took her things from her..."
"...Unlike most elder(older?) brothers with ..."
Again, I don't know much about the fandom to know what's going on with the collar and the greenness, though I do remember reading something about a vampire virus/infection. Is that what she has? I have no idea, though that's not your fault.
"...Galen’s laughter rang hollow in his ears and he hoped that his twin couldn’t hear it too..." Couldn't hear it? Or could hear it? If its the latter, you made a small typo here. If it's the former, take out the 'too' part.
"...he picked her up and put her into bed herself..." I think you mean 'himself'
"...Then(comma) (he) put the glasses she handed him on the nightstand beside the bed..." Generally nightstands are placed beside the bed, so that little snippet there is superfluous. You don't need to describe every little detail, give us some credit, not every reader is an idiot. ;)
"...'Sweet dreams Nadia, I love you too.' He said tenderly..." I would remove the 'tenderly'. Let the dialogue speak for itself. There is nothing wrong with 'he said'. If you keep adding adverbs and/or a fancy synonym for said, the reader gets distracted by the tag.
"...he took one last look around her room before entering his own though(through) the connecting door ..."
-
Alrighty. The last sentence you're going to need to explain to me xP Overall, not bad. You did a good job with dialogue. I felt there could be a /little/ more characterization, though for the most part what you have here is sufficient enough for the first chapter, though I don't know very much about Galen except he's very protective of his sister and you did a good job showing that. And Nadia seems to love reading, and she seems protective over her brother :) Their relationship is real sweet. I'd hate to find out that something is going to come between them, but most likely that's going to end up happening. As for plot, I don't know much about the fandom to guess what's going to happen, nor do I know what happened in particular xP You're going to make me want to rent the movies.
Now to improve. I feel it could use a little bit of suspense in the beginning. Maybe it's the fact that I'm not accustomed to the vampire's reactions when they're thirsty, but this could use with a little more danger-sense, more suspense in the beginning when Galen says he's thirsty. Also, I would read over a couple of sentences slowly, and try to reconstruct them a bit. You have a writing style that could work /very/ beautifully if done the right way, but also one that could make it a bit annoying to the readers if you use it too much. And what I mean by that is that you love to start your sentences with gerunds. Here are just a few examples:
"...Plugging her chair..."
"...Collapsing in his own bed..."
"...Shaking his head sharply..."
"...Feeling the blood still on his lips..."
"...Having gotten an answer..."
Now I admit that I used to do this a lot too, probably still do sometimes. I never noticed I did that until someone pointed it out to me, so I'm doing the same to you, I've come full circle :) See, there's nothing particularly wrong with that, but one must understand that there are places where it works and places where it doesn't. What I usually do is I would look over some of these sentences and I would try to reconstruct them a bit and see which way sounds better. For example:
"Feeling the blood still on his lips..." could be changed to: "He felt the blood hot on his lips..."
Notice the difference. The second sentence is more dramatic, more intense, moves quicker too. The first part isn't even a complete sentence by itself. :) Play with your words, you'll be surprised with what you can come up with.
~ Audy |
FanFiction.Net - unleash your imagination
