  Ludwig Van Heusen
2009-03-11 . chapter 1 Kaname,in this fic, is very much different from the manga or the anime series. I don't know if you are trying to portray Kaname's life or making an OOC out if his character, but one thing's I'm sure: he isn't such of a low caliber to do the stuff you wrote in this fic.
Though I must admit that you did your part as a fan and read the manga/watched the anime series, but I do think improvements are very welcome in this fic. It's not entirely bad. You have a scene plotted in your mind, I can very well imagine that, though you didn't much bother looking through the details thoroughly. I should know as an ardent otaku in this field especially in this anime. Remember that as a vampire pureblood, he is ARISTOCRATIC. If you read the manga/watch the anime series, he DOES do rash actions for the sake of Yuuki, but only up 'til that. You can also very well see that he is aware of his role as a pureblood but doesn't abhor it, like what your portraying in your fic. He does actually know the proximity and gravity of the powers he wield, but dislikes using it to force people on his will, but rather uses brute force and physical gestures to suggest to his subjects, which they readily do for him. Your choice of words, grammar, even furniture are, I must say, an odd one. Wooden chairs and bed inside chamber/temporary offices DO NOT fall on the Aristocratic department. We are talking of purebloods and councils here, people, NOT something you'd expect from that picture. Oh, and one last thing, he doesn't hate Zero. He even allows him to live because he knows Zero will protect her, although he turned angsty in the end. Furthermore, you practically made a one-shot without Yuuki as the major character wit HER NAME as a title. I think we know we're getting on nothing in here... |
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