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| LoraineSouza 2008-08-17 ch 8,  | abuseYAY I LOVE TWILIGHT lol cant wait |
| Snowy Owl 2008-08-12 ch 7, anon. | abuseI have to admit that there are a few things that bother me about your story. First of all, I can only second what has been said by others, you really need to be careful with your spelling and punctuation; also, I have noticed quite a few grammatical errors. I think you would be well advised to have a closer look especially at your finite verb forms; they are not always in the right tense and number, making it very difficult for the reader to understand your sentences. Also, your syntax does have some weaknesses; whilst your narrative certainly benefits in liveliness from your approach to bring it as close to the spoken language - even bordering on the vernacular now and then - syntactical errors do have a tendency to creep in; again giving the reader trouble in understanding your meaning. Also, I think you might want to edit your chapters in terms of the narrative perspective; unfortunately, you have some - I am sure involuntary - shifts from first person to third person, sometimes even within the same paragraph or even sentence. You surely have managed to create an interesting backstory for William, but I must confess I am a bit concerned at the casual mention of the fact that his sister was raped. You probably did not intend it this way, but it does come over as if William did not care at all about what happened to his sister. Perhaps you intend to address this in a later chapter; but you should make sure to take into account the enormity of such a crime and the immense problems that not only the victim herself, but all her family will face. I can only suggest to you to get an editor and/or beta reader who will help you with your grammar and can also point out inconsistencies in the plot. You certainly do have potential - the idea to make William an involuntarily aggressive person in his attempts to shield Elizabeth from Wickham was quite interesting, for example - and your setting the story in college, even if not unusual, does indeed work very well, but it is points such as I addressed above that will probably make you lose quite a couple of readers who would otherwise probably be interested in your premise and your writing. ~Snowy |
| IMHO 2008-08-11 ch 1, anon. | abuseIMHO, I know this is stupid but my cousin thinks college kids don't wear hollister. ;) then again, she's like, the goth girl of the school. good story. I suggest putting more space between the sentences, making it more paragraphs. :) |
| Joyce LaKee 2008-07-31 ch 6, | abuseI do like the premise. We'll have to see what happens next! |
| Pinery 2008-07-29 ch 6, | abuseNice chapter, update soon. |
| Pinery 2008-07-24 ch 5, | abuseInteresting, but l hope Darcy gets back at Wickham some time later,like hit him square on his blasted face. This is a great story overall, update soon! |
| PurpleRibbonXD 2008-07-20 ch 5, | abusenice idea bout the college experiment=D leaves you thinking "what's gonna happen next?" could you type a bit faster as i can't wait till the next chapterXD update soon! |
| TastingInsanity 2008-07-19 ch 5, | abuseHey, great story..but when you write try to space inbetween talking cuz that makes it easier to read.. Also it makes the chapter look longer. xD Thanks Spirit |
| Gally619 2008-07-11 ch 4, | abuseHope all go's well for your grandfather! Gally619 |
| Joyce LaKee 2008-07-02 ch 3, | abuseI liked the fight/rescue idea. It's usually best to give each person's dialogue its own, separate line, however. Happy writing! |
| LoraineSouza 2008-06-28 ch 3, | abusehauahuahu will speaks nasally lol take care luv the chap Loraine |
| JoJo2753 2008-06-27 ch 2, | abuseI like this.. its funny! update soon please! |
| Joyce LaKee 2008-06-26 ch 2, | abuseThis chappie was better. I'm curious to see where this goes. |
| TastingInsanity 2008-06-25 ch 2, | abuseHey, no prob. This chapter was better written and maybe next chapter will be better.. :) write more soon thanks shoeless |
| LoraineSouza 2008-06-25 ch 2, | abuseaw i love this story its really good, auhahuahu the experiment thing i definatly havent read about it b4 so its good to freshen up some new things in these fanfics bcuz some of them sound the same lol anyways hm will doesnt like liz huauhau it certanly looked like he did hm mystery mystery lol he sounds hot pff i wish there real will darcys huahau anyways take care luv the story Loraine |