 Yami-no-Hikari-7 2009-04-03 . chapter 6I like it! I'd hoped there was more of Kusaka though... Update soon! |
 Fox Loves Shinigami 2009-03-22 . chapter 6great chapter. update soon ^_^ Ja. PS i hope Ichi...or Shiro, get to kill Kusaka (or at least severely injure him). |
 ShadowedDagger Rips Asunder 2009-03-21 . chapter 6So Kusaka didn't show up at all? Is that why Hitsu is mad? Overall, continue...I'm waiting for the next chapter with great anticipation. |
 avatar-chik 2009-03-21 . chapter 6Well, I'm sure interested in whether or not their relationship will bud. I'm still a little irked about how OOC everyone is though. I understand that in order for this pairing to work, you have to tweek their personalities a bit, but they don't even really appear to be the same characters anymore. On future stories, try to keep this in mind.
Anyway, good luck with the rest of the story.
HAPPY WRITING! |
 avatar-chik 2009-03-21 . chapter 4I really liked this chapter, all the way until the end anyway. No wonder Hitsugaya didn't want to get "prettied up". A dress? Erhm... I think that's taking it a bit too far, and I don't think that Hitsugaya would've given in that easily either. But whatever... that's more of an opinion thing, so if you like it, then good for you. :D
On to Chappie 5! |
 avatar-chik 2009-03-21 . chapter 3How can one have their hands on their hips while at the same time pinning someone to a fence? O_o? Just wondering... it sounds a little odd.
Make sure your sentences are complete and aren't run-ons. I know I'm harping on you a lot about grammar and technical crap, but that's the main thing that needs to be worked on.
I would've imagined that Toushiro would've been more cold. If Kusaka really did cause him that much pain, then wouldn't he have been more bitter at Kusaka's question. Toushiro usually comes off as a bit mean when he's trying to hide his emotions, or at least that's what I came to think. You may have a different interpretation, which is perfectly fine.
You do a good job at drawing in attention and holding on to it. I know you have other stories to post for, but you should try making your chapters longer. If that means there will be more of a wait in between posts, then so be it. I feel that you're just giving us the bare minimum of information. Get more into it and draw us into the story even more. ^__^ I'm sure you can do it.
CHAPTER 4, I'M ON MY WAY. XP (i know, i'm lame.) |
 babygaaralover 2009-03-21 . chapter 6DAHM YOU KUSAKA! QUITE MAKEING LIL SHIRO CRY!
UPDATE SOON PLEASE! |
 avatar-chik 2009-03-21 . chapter 2^_^ Short chapter, ne? First thing... technical errors.
When you have to adjectives next to each other to describe one thing, you don't put a comma in between them. For example... you put (her humongous, exposed breasts...) Take out the comma. I look at it like you're taking pause there (which is what you supposedly do with commas). Just thought I would point that out since no body pointed that out to me until... well, I found out by reading a stupid grammar book. >.<
With Ichigo... try to not have him sound so desperate. Ichigo is the one who tries to keep his emotions and agenda hidden the most, even if he does suck at it.
Relax with the adjectives. You describe the characters a bit too much for such short chapters. It isn't really necessary. Mention their appearance here and there, but then maybe stick to emotions and gestures or something like that.
Interesting chapter. Toushiro has a diary?! O-O I'd like to see what that looks like. XD Sounds a bit too feminine to call it a diary, but then again, it was said from Rangiku's perspective and that sounds like what she would call it. Lol.
ONWARD AGAIN! ^.^ |
 avatar-chik 2009-03-21 . chapter 1Heya! Interesting so far. My only concern is that the characters are OOC. Toushiro is coming across as way to feminine, in my opinion anyway. Both characters can be hostile, which I think you've shown, but I think Toushiro tends to be more emotionless if he's not snapping at someone. Lol. Also, be careful with your choice of adjectives as the narrator. Maybe in dialogue, the characters can use descriptions such as dainty and baby. It seems to me that you're belittling them (mostly Toushiro). It's nice that you're using different words to describe him, but sometimes it's better not to use any at all if it's going to change his character.
Anyway, I'm still fairly interested in what will happen. Good story line and you've caught my interest on the first chapter (another very good thing).
One more thing before I continue on to the next chapter... Be careful that you're not repeating yourself. Sometimes you say one thing and then you repeat it a sentence or two later (it's just phrased differently). It wasn't too bad, but I thought I would give you a heads up for future chapters.
Now then... ON TO THE NEXT CHAPTER! |
 xXKimochiWatariXx 2009-03-21 . chapter 6wow. This is really good. :) Please update soon. aw, Toushiro in a dress is really cute. :3 Although...I don't think that his hair should be spiky when he's in a dress, at least tame it down alittle. But...I shouldn't complain! Spikes or no spikes, I like it all the same. :) Great job! |
 Kristine93 2009-03-21 . chapter 6Gwah! And why did you have to stop there! *sniff, sniff* Please, make longer chapters! |
 Kristine93 2009-03-21 . chapter 5Oops, 2 chapters up and I haven't read one? what A SHAME! Sorry. Now... WHAT AN ADORABLE CHAPTER! I love it! But can Ichigo be an A$$! I'm off to the next chapter to see what Matsumoto's up to! |
 kunf'you'z-ed 2009-02-27 . chapter 5thi is such a good story! please update soon again! i haven't read it in a while, but i can't wait for the next chapter! thanx, bye! |
 xxRainbow-muffinsxx 2009-02-24 . chapter 5oi oi next chappy? i loved it so far! u get ten million pans of cookies!! |
 babygaaralover 2008-12-01 . chapter 5Why did you syop there?
and...
WHERE THE HELL WAS KUSAKA! THAT BASTARD!
also...
AWE! LIL SHIRO LOOKS SO CUTE! |