This is a fascinating chapter, and once again I'm left with the slightly uncomfortable feeling that there is something glaringly obvious going on that I'm just not seeing, despite rereading the story from the beginning once again. I guess it's that the monastery, and the people who inhabit it for that matter, just feel so wrong somehow, but I'm too dense to see why exactly. :o
I'm really intrigued by the varying reactions that each of our heroes seem to have this rather odd situation. While Hank and Sheila's feelings for each other have always been kind of obvious, the way that they seem to be so relaxed about the matter here feels, well, odd for some reason. The fact that Diana seems to be equally at ease as the Ranger and Thief, although with less obvious reason, also seems a little strange. Clearly Presto and Bobby both feel rather out of sorts (albeit to different degrees and for different reasons), but it seems that, out of all the great and the good gathered in the hall, it's Eric who's the most immune to the monastery's strange influence, and I'd really love to know why. ;)
As for the prophecy, well I'm dying to learn more. Oh, and I'm also pretty curious about this 'greatest man who ever lived' too, if only because he sounds kind of important, lol. :D
Review aside, it's really great to see you writing again (even if I am rather late in stopping by to say so), and so another update would be most welcome (just as soon as you're ready of course!). ^_^
Eric's wake up call was interesting, I guess that the others probably all had similar starts to their day too. From it's description, I found the summoning bell to be quite creepy, the way it seemed to chime in answer to Eric's unspoken thoughts, and the way the sound lingered longer than it should've, all sound pretty disturbing. Yet Eric doesn't seem to give the bell too much consideration, too distracted by the possiblity of breakfast perhaps. :D
I loved the way that Eric reacts to the applause he receives upon arriving at the hall, I guess that sort of thing doesn't happen to him too often now does it, lol. Oh, and I'm glad that Eric bumped into Shiran, if only because I'd failed to notice his brief cameo in your earlier story. =D
I'm glad that Dungeon Master's other pupils are also at the Monastery, and I'm really looking forward to Eric's reunion with the Harlequin. Still, he has to meet up with his own friends first, and find out just why Bobby isn't keeping an eye on Uni like he was instructed to in the previous chapter. O_O
This seems to be a very original storyline, and I certainly can't see where it's heading. Still, I get the feeling that I've missed one or two significant clues along the way, perhaps I need to go back and read it through a few more times. :)
I liked the way Eric stated out so nervous and uncomfortable and then gradually relaxed as he went along. There were some good links to past events and I did like the way that they thought Beryl was funny, and the fact that Eric didn't. There were a few bits that have made me wonder what you have in store. A dragon owing you a favour can only be a good thing. What is puzzling me though is Uni's absence being noted - significant perhaps?
There are seventeen instances of "seem" in this chapter. I could write you out of over half of them, but I'll point this out as an example of viewpoint character's perception.
"Words could not describe what Presto felt in this place. There was power like he had never felt before. Incredible, monumental, impossible… they all seemed to fall short somehow."
This can be a tricky one. We're in Presto's mind, so why be ambiguous about his feelings? Did these adjectives fall short or didn't they? This works fine: ". . . they all fell short somehow." The "somehow" shows that he doesn't know exactly how to feel about it.
Here, too: "She was sensitive to what was going on around her and it seemed that any slight noise would waken her . . ."
We're in her, Sheila's, point of view. Was any slight noise actually awakening her? You could have gone ahead and written "She was sensitive to what was going on around her, (comma here to separate two independent clauses) and any slight noise would waken her . . ."
In the preceding paragraph, you have a run-on sentence (comma splice). And this sentence needs work, too: "He could see a huge range of different objects; swords, staffs, capes, hats, crowns, a whip, various books, chain mail, armour, a few rings, some bracelets, a coil of rope, a phial or two of some odd looking liquid… the more he looked, the more things he saw."
I would edit it this way: "He could see a huge range of different objects: swords, staffs, capes, hats, crowns, a whip, various books, chain mail, armour, a few rings, some bracelets, a coil of rope, a phial or two of some odd looking liquids, and more."
Here, you don't use "seem," but it could be worded better:
"It felt like she was filled with excitement and anticipation this morning, like the morning of a big sports event, where she was going to compete. She liked feeling like that, the buzz of adrenaline that filled her body and made her tingle."
How about: "She was filled with excitement and anticipation this morning, as though it were the morning of a big sports event where she would be competing. She liked that feeling, that buzz of adrenaline that filled her body and made her tingle."
Your Presto trips me up, too. There was another story in which Presto had that crazy inner dialogue going on. And it's here, too.
"(The girls would be happier) Eric would be happier too! (But it wasn’t my fault the Hat didn’t understand) And it wasn’t my fault about the starch either (or the soap) or the soap! (Nobody liked the soap!)"
In the other story, it was new and different. His circumstances made it plausible enough, also. But he's doing it again, and I think he's the only one you do this to. I feel like he's going to snap one day and go insane.
There are many punctuation issues. It just needs a good proofread from a beta.
There are twenty-two occurrences of the word "seem" in this chapter. Some are used in telling phrases where I think showing would be better.
In this paragraph for example:
"The Arch-Mage let his Nightmare walked [sic] slowly forward. To Hank, their enemy seemed much more interested in them and their surroundings than usual. It was odd, and Venger seemed to be looking for something,"
The first usage is passable, but using it again so quickly should have stood out to you. Rather than tell us that the arch-mage seemed to be looking for something, you could describe what the arch-mage was doing that made him seem to be looking for something. What got the arch-mage's attention? Was he looking around, at the ground, or in the sky? Did he pause or hesitate as he looked around with scrutinizing eyes? Describing it gives a better picture to a reader's mind, in my opinion.
Some instances of "seem" are there for no reason I can think of. If you take out "seemed to" and change the following verb to past tense, the sentence has either the same or better meaning.
For example, in these two sentences:
"The road to the left led to a low-walled building that seemed to sprawl over the land like an unruly weed." and "The road to the right, the one with smooth, well-worn stones, led to a tall gate that seemed to dwarf everything else."
How about: "The road to the left led to a low-walled building that sprawled over the land like an unruly weed." and "The road to the right, the one with smooth, well-worn stones, led to a tall gate that dwarfed everything else." And you could remove the comma between "smooth" and "well-worn". It wouldn't be incorrect to do so. You could also pick just one of the adjectives. Something well-worn is usually smooth.
Here, too: "The scarlet shade of Eric’s face seemed to get deeper." This could be: "The scarlet shade of Eric’s face deepened."
And here: ". . . the fine grey dust seemed to streak slightly, . . ." Just say: " the fine grey dust streaked slightly, . . ."
And to get rid of this one: ". . . the note sounded again, closer this time, and the sound seemed to pass straight into his heart, sending a wave of hope and joy through him." I would rewrite it this way: ". . . the note sounded again, closer this time. The sound filled his heart and sent a wave of hope and joy through him." Not so wordy.
Another: ". . . Diana seemed to turn red under her dark skin." How about simply: ". . . Diana blushed." Or if you want to keep the attention to her skin color, you could write: ". . . Diana turned red under her dark skin." Maybe: ". . . the dark skin of Diana's face took on a rosy hue." Ideas.
"Venger gave a snort of laughter." Now this I can't even picture. He just wasn't a snorting, laughing villain to me. And you use "gave" like you use "seem" sometimes. Your characters give smiles, give this gesture and that. How about, though I can't imagine it, "Venger snorted with laughter."?
And instead of: "Then the still-grey Cavalier gave a snort that sent a small plume of grey dust up in front of him." How about: "The still-grey Cavalier snorted, sending a plume of dust around his face." Just an idea.
Here, too: ". . . Bobby took the paper from Hank’s hand, then gave a loud whoop." You could say: ". . . Bobby took the paper from Hank’s hand, read it, and whooped." A whoop is already loud, by definition, so you wouldn't even need the word "loud."
If you go back and take a careful look at all your "seems" and "gives," you could probably write yourself out of over half of them. I believe the story could benefit from it. Using "seemed to" and "gave" has a passive feel, when it could be worded in more of an active voice.
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