   kairi. i r l
2008-11-05 . chapter 7You're writing always leaves me, (well for lack of a better word) thirsty- Yes, I said it thirsty. I love the way you don't paint a picture, but make it move and give it sound.
For this story in particular (Especially in this chapter) I could picture 6 different cameras catching medium shots and different angles of the same scene. Some zoomed in on Mia's expressions, while another catches her side angle and yet another is focusing on the conversation Link is having with the Hyruleian soldier.
After that is done (because this is my mind setting things up as the story progresses) the cameras disappear and the film is edited together creating an actual story in my head (this is really how I see stories no lie) I can see these unique people-your characters, acting out their parts, or going through what they're really going through as a glimpse into their real life.
Then, comes the music- with the beginning of Mia just waking up I could hear a subtle score playing low in the background as she looks around and the scene with Link and her with the pail I hear a humorous fun type of score.
When Link is talking to the soldier I hear no music but the sounds of horses and chickens and I can see being daylight outside, the sun is shining up in the sky and the light is peeking through the holes I've imagined into the stable you created.
As Mia spies on them, the third camera comes into play- and that part is filmed from a side angle with a foreboding score in the background and Mia has an expression that is slowly turning to fear. When the soldier shows Link the clothing a realization spreads across his face, but quickly fades just as the music heightens and like his face, the music lowers again, the camera switches back to Mia in the stable.
The score now holds her fear and she is fearful as Link looks at the stable the music gives away that feeling that Mia is cornered. She backs away from the door/wall and feigns sleep.
The music is now back to stealthy as Link enters the stable, closing the door behind him and suddenly the lighting dims as his form blocks the light peeking through from the cracks in the stable.
His expression is blank as he drops the satchel and saddle then he addresses Mia who is still feigning sleep and calls her out on it. She opens her eyes and says "I was relaxing my eyes" the music is now non-existent as Link moves closer, but doesn't look at her then asks her if she is a Gerudo.
Mia reacts out of anger, but Link remains the same only asking once again "Are you?" As Mia goes through her story a stealthy scores plays and no images or clips of her "journey" are shown. Through out most of her story the camera is focused on Link and how his expression changes from slightly believing to knowing without a doubt that's she's lying, the score reflects his expressions.
When Link corners Mia in her lie the music heightens but as it is about to reach its apex- the door of the stable creaks and woman enters addressing Link and the score halts as Mia and Link turn to the woman who then addresses Mia in a sarcastic tone.
The tension leaves the room as Mia's attitude switches entirely to embarrassment. The woman in an odd way saves Mia from having to answer to her lies, and the woman leaves with door still open, the light hitting Mia;s face half ways, symbolic of her half-truth story.
The score comes in to play again with Link's next words about Gerudo Valley and his exist. With him leaving the camera zooms in on Mia's expression and this time the score is reflecting Mia's feelings of anxiousness and annoyance, and it ends there.
Your writing style as always so detailed that I'm able to do things like I described above and I love it because it just makes the story so realistic to me.
I love where this story is going and how it constantly continues to spike my interest and intrigue me on where it is heading. So many twists and turns like Mia herself keeps taking.
This may have been a mild chapter storyline wise but that doesn't affect that quality of it in the least like you seem to believe.
It has all the elements, fluff, tension and foreboding. I Love it for all these reasons. The setting and the way Mia reacts to the world and describes it. Is both unique and enticing that it leaves me wanting to hear her speak more and for her to continue her story.
Lovely chapter in all aspects. The poetic feel to the diction is still evident (Which I love) and in turn makes Mia an even deeper character as the world is described through her eyes alone. Through out the this chapter and the story so far everything set literally from her point of view and her thoughts on the world around her. The way she percepts the world is the most intriguing element of this story. I simply cannot, but will wait for the next installment with Mia and Gerudo Valley. I wonder what she will do to stall, will she stall? Or simply allow herself to pushed around by Link? Somehow...I highly doubt that. Once again great chapter.
I believe there were no typos in this chapter so I'll end this with my favorite moments.
"I woke up feeling more or less like the world had just crashed down upon my head, leaving me dizzy, nauseous, disoriented, and utterly lost. I’d dreamed of nothing but falling, of rain on my face, dripping down my eyelids and cheeks, of being swallowed up by the earth itself. I woke up sweating and panting, ready to throw back the dream I’d been fed. When a hand pushed me back down I thought the world was really trying to take me back with its cold fingers. Then I heard a soft hush and a rustle and someone smoothing down my hair. I took hold of the hand and placed it against my cheek, wondering if this was real or just another bad dream."
Excellent imagery here, I could replicate this even if I tried.
"His footsteps echoed in the stable above the sound of Che’s hungry eating and birds’ soft chirping. I tensed the slightest, ready for something- anything. A blade to my neck, an accusation, an arrest, a dagger in my back. Nothing. But a cold rag to my forehead. His fingers had warmed and he pressed them onto my shoulder lightly, pulling me onto my back again."
This shows how Mia is constantly feeling threatened in the presence of Link- or anybody for that matter. One of her insecurties and I love how you wrote it.
"Yes.” I began to laugh, but it was cut short with a horrible scratch in my throat that had me on my side coughing and convulsing. When it was over I laid back down on the hay that stuck to my back and arms and neck. A hand reached out and pecked a few straws from my hair. I swatted it away instinctively, wishing for space."
Again, this shows Mia's somewhat introverted personality peeking through. Though it is subtle and it doesn't show that much, but just enough.
"His lips quirked into this small smile for a mere second, and his eyes glanced toward me, as if he could see me through the stable walls and right through me. Then, he looked away and leaned against the wall, folding his arms across his chest for good measure.
“Toward the forest, I see,” he mused, “Well, I believe you should be on your way.”
The soldier hesitated for a moment, taking a step back then stopping and glancing up at him frightfully. “S-sir?”
“Hmm?” Irritated."
This was good because you already see Link has pieced the pieces together, or at least to me he has an idea.
"The stable door creaked open and I held my breath. Footsteps, chains clinking.
“You don’t have to feign sleep for me,” he leered coolly- almost on the verge of something frightfully cold, as something clanked to the floor. My satchel and Che’s saddle, actually. I glimpsed at them, hopefully, surreptitiously enough that he didn’t notice.
“I was relaxing my eyes,” I said, letting out a breath I’d been waiting to let go.
“Are you a Gerudo, Mia?” He asked suddenly.
My eyes shot open and I glared up at him. “Excuse me?”
His gaze didn’t falter as he clarified. “Are you?”
With a deep breath, I responded, “Yes.” And then, quickly, I added, “From Termina.”
He furrowed his eyebrows, “The pirates?”
I nodded the slightest, reminding myself to remain collected. “They allowed me to leave when I was younger- thirteen, I believe. No one will remember me, really.”
“And why do you say that?” He inquired, raising a brow.
I shuffled under his gaze, looking away. “I was…less desired than others. I spent too much of my time on land, anyhow. They said I could join the Gerudo of the Valleys. So, I came here.”
How perfect it seemed, creating this entire storyline like I was knitting an afghan for the cold winter.
“You were at Lon Lon Ranch.”
“I was.” I muttered. And there was that snag. “I…” I sighed. “I lost my nerve.”
“After so many years of traveling?”
“Yes,” I glanced at him in irritation. Who was he to judge me, anyhow? “I thought I would return another day.”
“And why not today?” He suggested, smiling.
I stared up at him in horror, mouth gaping. “W-what? Why?”
He shrugged nonchalantly, “Why not?”
I bounced up, tossing the horse blanket long since tangled at my feet. “B-because—because…!”
He stepped forward, so that if I hadn’t known before that he was at least a head taller than me I did now. “Give me one plausible reason, Mia.”
For those first few seconds I just glared at him, lips curled up into a sneer I had no recollection of holding until I began to speak. “W-well…there are many reasons!”
He smirked, “One. Just one.”
I faltered for a moment- whether it was the heat rushing to my face or the stable door creaking open or the sound of the horses neighing or the wave of nausea passing through me I wasn’t sure.
“Sir?” An elderly woman stumbled through the doorway."
Favorite Scene! The tension is perfect, the stillness, Mia cornered and just when you think she's trapped the lady enters. Wiping all the tension away. The ending was go |
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