Reviews for Hypnotized - FanFiction.Net

Reviews For: Hypnotized - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

AnImEfReAk4994 2008-08-18 ch 12,	abuseIts awesome! Srry Hyper
AnImEfReAk4994 2008-08-06 ch 11,	abuseIts awesome!
Lost But Found 2008-08-05 ch 1,	abuseI like the story line that you've got going, it's an interesting plot while you're just following along with a girl's life. You've done a pretty decent job of staying out of the Mary Sue category, but if you focused less on what Cassandra wore and looked like you could get even farther from that. Also, be sure to stay true to the time period, for instance, girls didn't really wear jeans in the 60's, especially when going out, except for riding, which I understand. There was also a line where Cassandra's mom was dropping her off at the movies where she told Cassandra to give her a call later. I personally found that out of context with the time period. Just watch that and you'll be good with all of that.. After a sentence, either a comma if it is incomplete, or a period if it is complete. Be sure to put them in after a quoted phrase as well. That's the thing you keep messing up on the most, and that's just a simple thing to fix. I like how the horses are incoorporated into this, you've done a good job of keeping it simple but interesting at the same time. For people who don't know about horses, it can sometimes be hard to follow. Even though I ride my horses in the ring every day, I find they're fine as long as it's not the same thing every day. But if Cassandra had rode in California, and I was under the impression they had money, why wouldn't she ride in britches, if she has an almost new saddle and tall boots? All in all, I liked this, and I'll be looking forward to the next chapter.
independenthinker 2008-07-28 ch 9,	abuseoh, this is nice. Wow, I really like this chapter. Actually, I just read the whole story so far, and it's all amazing. That quote, the one you used as your summary, it's so beautiful.
metra noosutran 2008-07-28 ch 1, anon.	abuseyou have casidy in here.
SisterCat144 2008-07-27 ch 9,	abusei luv this chapter! update quick! please! =)
AnImEfReAk4994 2008-07-26 ch 9,	abuseAwesome, pleez keep writing!
aerodynamics 2008-07-26 ch 1,	abuseNot a Mary-Sue? Well, kudos to you. But I have noticed that alot of your sentences are really, really freaking long. It's great to try and immitate speach, but keep that on a bare minimum. In alot of the places you used commas, you could've used periods instead. Also, I know it's probably been said at least a hundred-million times in here already- watch your punctuation and possesive nouns. Other than that... I can't see anything else that could use work. Except maybe you shouldn't focus on her looks so much. Good plot thread though.
SisterCat144 2008-07-21 ch 8,	abuseLOL i liked this chapter! =) can't wait for the next one!
AnImEfReAk4994 2008-07-21 ch 8,	abuseHa ha!! Keep up the good work(I'm kinda hyper rite now just so u no).
breeXqueen 2008-07-19 ch 1,	abusegreat story! i'll be subscribed to this story til the end =]
AnImEfReAk4994 2008-07-18 ch 7,	abuseAwesome story!! Keep writing!
Rider on the Storm 2008-07-18 ch 7,	abuseI think you're doing a really good job with this. I liked the horse chapter, but then, I'm interested in stuff like that. You're using commas before the "he/she said" sometimes and not others. Any time it's someone saying something like he said, she said, he called, he yelled etc, you need the comma first. The only time you don't is when it's a complete sentence with no he or she said or the action is unrelated to the speech. Like, say he's doing to mount the horse after he says something. "I dunno." He mounted the horse. The mounting isn't part of the "I dunno" so you don't need the comma. But if it was like "I dunno," he said. He mounted the horse. Then you would need it. Make sense? You did a pretty good job with Dallas too. I hate to see him written too soft, but I think you've got a good balance.
caitly 2008-07-16 ch 6,	abuseI like what you've done so far with the story, there's just a few things you should watch out for. In chapter two you have Cassandra putting on a pair of jeans when she went out to the store. In the 60's girls didn't wear jeans, especially if they were going out. Some might if they were staying in the house, but that's about it. When Cassandra and Susan are walking away from Dallas you mention her face is "in that attractive state after a bout of tears". I don't know about you, but I don't think I know anyone who looks good after crying. You keep mentioning her looks, and you're kind of making her seem perfect. I'd be careful with this, since no one looks perfect, except for Mary Sue, of course. Just watch that you don't make her too gorgeous. There were a few grammatical mistakes that I noticed. Make sure you spell out numbers, like when you're giving someone's age. Also, watch you're punctuation around dialogue. It's pretty good, just make sure you don't forget to put the end quotation marks and stuff. Please don't take this as a flame, because it's not. You've got a pretty good story going here, and I'd hate to see it go down the tubes. caitly
AnImEfReAk4994 2008-07-16 ch 6,	abuseIts awesome! Keep writing pleez!

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