Very good.
Very intriguing.
I really liked your descriptions inside the dream.
Well done.

Excellent second chapter. The resolution is left undone, a cycle that will never be broken. This is what the other meant by "creepy." It gets a hold of you and won't let go. We feel sympathy with Aizen because we feel the frustration at his lack of control over the situation that he does. The fact that there is no way to make the problem go away compounds the upset he experiences every time he has that dream.

This is very good, and I wish you all the best for the challenge.

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Concrit:


You can actually dispense with the disclaimer in the second chapter.

Editing:

She was there, in front of him, as always, her dark green eyes staring at him. Her eyes were empty; glass-like, as though she was just a porcelain doll. No emotions were showed on her face, nothing. Her gaze was blank. As if there was no mind, no emotions in her, she was as tough she was empty.


A strong gust of wind hit him – it was coming.



This is the moment at which Aizen should break, he should call her, shout at her, yell her to run away. But not this time. He had seen this dream far too many times; he knows that nothing will change so he just continues to watch.

++Don't mix tenses. Edit:

This was the moment at which Aizen should have broken, he should have called her, shouted at her, yelled at her to run away. But not this time. He had seen this dream far too many times; he knew that nothing would change so he just continued to watch.


The shadow took the claw away from her throat. Blood quickly flowed down to the sand, painting it crimson.



Another strong, burning gust of wind hit his face, but Aizen stayed still despite the burning sensation in his eyes and heavy feeling in his lungs.

The shadow lifted its claw, took a swing and ripped the girls' throat open. Blood gushed down onto the sand.


The shadow disappeared, the wind went away, and everything looked the same again. The endless wasteland looked as if nothing had happened seconds before. Only the crimson sand and the girl lying on it remained. She gasped and whimpered as blood rushed through her hands from the wound and disappeared on the sand. “The one who hides behind lies and masks has already lost all of his battles,” she hissed as she died.

The minute the last word escaped her mouth, he woke up.


She was dead; there was no way around it. She has been dead for over 200 years and yet she still managed to get inside his head, reading him like an open book, shattering his sanity, questioning things that should not be questioned.

And sometimes Aizen could not help but ask himself if she had really died. Perhaps she had never existed in the first place and this was all his sword's doing, a twisted game that Kyōka Suigetsu played with him as easily as she did with others.

He closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep. This dream would not bother him again for a year but the words would not leave him alone for a while.

Hi Jeannie,

this is a work of lyrical beauty that grabs the reader by the gut and doesn't let go. Not bad for a fic in a fandom I am unfamiliar with! Usually, if I don't know the fandom, I won't read the fic, but in this case I don't need to know the fandom to understand what is going on here. This is good stuff. Thanks for sharing your gift with us.

I understand that English is your FOURTH language. Hot damn, you are much better than writers who claim it is their first! Have left you some concrit you might find useful. I do this for people I respect - I'm not having a go at you, so please don't take it the wrong way.


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Concrit:

When you are in the Stories menu, you see the "properties" bit where you put the summary, what language it is in, etc. Above that is the Contents/Chapters button. Click on that, and you get an opportunity to put your chapter title at the top of your page. Click on "edit" beside "Chapter 1," and you can put the chapter title in the little purple box. This allows you to do away with "Chapter 1" "Dreaming" in the text of your story.

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Editing:

The air was hot and heavy. No wind, not the slightest puff. Nothing. The endless golden sands went on for miles and disappeared in the horizon.



He looked around. This place never changed. Always dull, always hot, and always lit by the unmoving sun that lingered in the sky and seemed unnaturally big and bright.


He knew everything that would happen here. Minute by minute, second by second he knew exactly what would come. Because they always were the same; the events that took place in this odd trick of his mind. They never changed; no matter what he would do she would always say the same thing before she died: “The one who hides behind lies and masks has already lost all of his battles.”




These words refused to leave his mind. They would sit there for hours, days; refusing to leave him alone.



Maybe this was her punishment for him. Maybe it was her sweet revenge that destroyed him from inside; slowly but surely eating his mind and soul like a worm in an apple.


That stupid woman managed to break past the walls he thought were unbreakable.

This is interesting. Of all the Bleach characters to use, you choose Aizen. I love the way it seems he's tormented by the death of your self-inset/OC and then his reflection of Kyoka Suigetsu. Lovely!

Good luck on the challenge.
~Lin~

Damn...that was...amazing. The flow of the words was so beautiful and the reaction of this...Aizen (Sorry, I'm not really familiar with Bleach) seemed very authentic. I read both chapters, but I'm just reviewing for one (sorry!). The second chapter was purely mind-blowing. You are such a talented author. Excellent job and good luck with the contest!

~Gema~

First of all, I'm impressed to hear that English is only your fourth language. You handle it very well.

I agree with Tina that the story is rather creepy. The sentence the girl utters seems a bit banal to haunt somebody for 200 years, but maybe that was intentional? Anyway, well done.

Very interesting indeed! Another fandom I have no idea about, but I think that your death was more that a bit unsettling! You set a creepily interesting tone.

Best of luck in the contest!

-Tina

Interesting chapter. Nice work. Sorry I can't offer more in the way of critique or anything like that.

Nice. I like how you are working the challenge.