All right, I'll admit it. I knew about the OC characters before reading this story, and also knew that it was originally an RPG, so I'll overlook the inescapable pitfalls provided by directly turning that into a fic. (Switching viewpoints fast, lack of introduction to characters, etc.) Some people who don't know this may get confused, but will likely pick up on it after the second chapter.

It was well-written, and once you got used to the viewpoints trading off now and then, it started to flow more easily. Started off slow, and picked up pace nicely, and that's what I care about the most in fics--pacing. This pulled it off nicely, I think, because it seemed to have two parts; the setup, wherein Hisaye met L with a bit of character development and exploration, and then the second part where Akumu stole Hisaye away and the story kicked into the climax.

The ending, with L's death and re-uniting with Good, was nicely portrayed, though I had a hard time suspending disbelief with the whole "astral form" thing. (Which may be merely more of my usual rampant skepticism at work, but I digress.) In particular, I compliment you on your time jumps. Some authors can't pull off those without intruding, but for you, it worked nicely. The plotline had a linear and sensible arc, something rarely accomplished in fics these days. One thing lead to another in a rational and entertaining manner. You get points just for having that.

The only problem I had was that you seemed to put in a few more OCs than was necessary. For example, did Lawliet and Giichi really serve any purpose to the story? Yes, Lawliet died with Fumito, but what did that really affect? It was a loose end. Again, this is my inner story-butcher talking, but I tend to cut off loose ends so they don't dangle in my eyes when the story is over and make me cry.

The bottom line: Good story, fun characters, interesting plot, but a not-so-great format for linear storytelling.