Er... i can't really say anything, not enough. There's a few gramatical and puncuation errors, but other then that, good... Besides the fact that you shouldn't publish original work on fanfiction. If this does get published, I'll read it. I'm trying to write a book myself!

Not really enough to make any judgements. You should really write some kind of summary that tells what the story is suppose to be about. Also you really shouldn't even be posting stories in the Eragon category that don't have anything to do with Eragon. I would suggest making a second chapter with the summary in it. The summary should be something that captures the audiences attention not like this excerpt that really doesn't tell me enough about the story or at least anything that would make me want to keep reading.

Please don't post original work on this site.
It's for fanfiction only.

Fictionpress, FFnet's sister site, is a great place for original writing.