|Reviews for 2 shots, 2 kills, one chance to live|
| ClancyEnthusiast 11/28/09 . chapter 1
Whew. Okay, here we go.
The storyline is good. I like the idea of a team being sent in for a preliminary assassination prior to a full-scale invasion. Very believable, more so in Iran of all places. Very reminiscent of the Saddam Hussein business with the UN, so that's always good. But I do have some complaints. First off, it's a bit far-fetched that a grizzled army vet line Mitchell would be sent in for this kind of business with a civilian. That seems more like CIA work, so choosing a Clancy character like John Clark would have been more fitting. However, I'm not going to knock you for using Mitchell since you might not have been aware of such characters if you only play the games.
You took a chance with including the fictitious weaponry, and I like that. It shows you're at least thinking about it. It especially fits since Mitchell and the Ghosts are accustomed to using high-tech weaponry like the MR-C and Zeus MPAR. Ultimately though, I think it would have been safer to use traditional weapons, such as the XM8 you included, rather than more outlandish ones. The basis of Clancy storytelling is realism, and when you get a little "too creative" with coming up with guns it gets a little out there. Not to mention it can distract from the real story.
Grammar and spelling wise there wasn't much to complain about. There are some instances where you use abbreviations like "Capt." for captain and "ft/s" to describe feet per second. As a rule of thumb I like to spell out things like that since not all readers might understand them. (So instead I would write "captain" and "feet per second," respectively.) Also, try to get a little more descriptive with your writing. For instance, in Chapter 2 you say "That meant Smith would shoot first then Mitchell would to confuse the soldiers." That's good, since your explaining why they're shooting one after the other. But go a little deeper. Explain WHY it will confuse the Iranian soldiers. Also describe the environment, since not a lot of people know what places like Tehran are like and have difficulty getting that image in their heads.
Overall this was a good story. Like myself, you have some issues with your exact writing style, but it can be overcome. I recommend reading a lot if you want to be really good. I hope this was helpful.