A great story. Very good.

I'm sorry, but this seemed a whole lot like self insertion, or a Sue (which is worse), which is something that no one likes to read in a fic. The writing was alright (which makes up the self insertion), but you might want to leave the script format out for stories like this because it makes it seem more like you were just putting your ideas down, instead of writing an actual story.

So keep on improving, and avoid scripts and Sues.

Jetsir

That was a really thought out plot, and really very touching. I love the ideas and writing of your stories. Just one thing, I'm not too crazy about the script format, but that's okay.

Excellent story. Keep 'em comin'!