So because you can't describe characters in any way artistic, you decided to actually provide a profile. You're a complete d0uchebag, thank you very much.
You haven't read enough p0rn to write one. Really, you haven't. Once you've sh@gged someone, it's not enough to relay the experience just through smut dialogues. If you haven't figured it out yet, people in sexual ecstasy can't talk very articulately. As a writer, your job is to provide the details without being literal about it. Well-written lemons can go by with nothing on the script but ahhs and ohs, provided that the narratives are substantial. But hell, what you did is the exact opposite. You're fascinated with the p3nis and I can't do something about that, but for chrissake I only wish that you'd stop giving away hints on how retarded you really are.
For this girl to actually be the sexual object of two hot OC males must mean that she is incredibly hot. Having concluded this much, I decided that your unpaid hoeba@g is nothing unique in the realm of pr0stitutes. OC test result: FAIL.
So Rukawa's on his way to rescue her and accept her for all that she's done. Somehow I think I need to mention regardless of how obvious it really is that you're being idealistic. There's no motivation in Rukawa's part to sympathize with a whore who once stripped in front of him, leave aside fall in love with her. Even I wouldn't feel sympathy toward a girl who offered to give me a handj0b for a price of a candy bar. There's nothing likeable in the female you're trying to portray here: she's weak, helpless, submissive, and dumb; in short, everything annoying feminist groups are trying to defend. She's experienced everything they condemn without a fight. Did you, anywhere along the line, ever realize what this crap of yours is trying to say? Women can be tossed around, licked, fingered, rammed, banged and still think of themselves as capable of doing other things (in this case, managing a team). You don't fill in the possible and necessary psychological scenario in which the woman acts on her experiences in the reverse-being conservative and shy for instance. Instead, she becomes an all-access sl^t. Unless this woman has been nothing but a sex-slave from birth onwards, with no knowledge of any alternative or anything, this fic is just as impossible as you ever seeing logic.
Finally, in the entirety of my flaming career, I have never encountered a work this hideous, bad, and stupid. This is just the worst. I can show you the archives of everything I've flamed and none of them can ever possibly come close to the horror of this. I'm surprised to have lived through this experience and I hope to whatever god there is to never see anything like this again.
Okay, now I'm totally insulted. If you're going to compose erotic scenes, graphic ones, you'd at least have the sense to be descriptive. Threesome-or a tricycle ride-can be made interesting without seeming amateur and retarded. Just so you know, you don't go full sexual when what you're trying to achieve is to explore a situation that's neither comfortable nor reasonable. Do best friends deal with stuff by giving each other a blowj0b and a finger f*ck? Is that how you do it in your country? In my opinion, they are merely f*ck buddies, not childhood friends and definitely not best friends. And why, oh why, do you type words such as pu$$y, nippl&s, @$$ and their parts without even thinking of resorting to metaphors? What's this, vocabulary deficit exhibition? Do you know art at all? If your intention was to give your audience a hard-on, this would be a legendary failure. I'm imagining Ken rubbing Akai's pu$$y's slit and all that's ever come up is a turtle humping a drugged iguana. Nothing near arousing.
To say that your Mary Sue is a wh0re is, of course, an understatement. I assume FOURPLAY is a pun for foreplay. Again, if I'm right in thinking, foreplay is that preliminary round to the actual intercourse. In this sh!t, however, they've gone far beyond the bounds of timid sex. You are so effing screwed. This is the worst, most naively written porn I have ever tumbled upon. Insulting to the last.
For the love of god, erase this fic. It's bad enough that you don't know how to use punctuations but to actually NOT know how to write one decent sentence is EPIC. Did you ever notice when reading halfway decent stuff that they don't come out that direct? Ever heard of the rule "show; don't tell"? And please, Rukawa wouldn't care if some KGB spy with some open intention to annihilate the school population strolled in the sophomore building. If memory serves, he was pretty much always indifferent. And, if in case somebody just shamelessly let out that she seeks his attention, NOBODY in the series would ever comment on how 'different' the attitude is supposed to be, because if you've watched just one arc you'd realize that nearly all the girls at Shohoku blatantly court Rukawa. Yeah, your OC is so unique I'm willing to commit suicide for her. The only slightly remarkable thing about her is she's an effing whore; but then again, whores are everywhere. They just come in different colors so they'd appear apart from their hoe lot. I don't really mind adult ratings as long as the author gets to justify it with style and substance. Yours, however, lack both. More than that, it offensively suggests something altogether ignorant.
There are so many other things that are wrong in this fic that I don't even know where to start. You put A/N's in the middle, abbreviate words like point guard, and don't press enter to begin a new paragraph. I can't tell what you're trying to prove with this crap; no idea what your agenda is when it's already clear that this is already irremediably bad and cannot be salvaged by any form of eloquence and grace available to the human mind. You know what you should do. Delete it. Press it. Don't ever think about continuing this.
I couldn’t even imagine why you wrote this. This isn’t about your erotic claptrap or your overwhelming usage of gabbled syntax, or even your poorly written narratives; your Mary is Sue is a total wh0re! She rots like rust because of her hair (pun intended), her p-uss-y probably is as outsized as the basketball ring (and she probably has yeast already). She’s such a dimwitted witch, but, surprise surpise, everybody want to f-uck her! Her hobby is so ridiculous it even amazes me that you were able to come up with a plotline at all; you might as well put this in another category, since none of the cannon ever crossed your minds. I mean, she could probably end up as a p0rnstar, but who knows, maybe your stupid version of Rukawa might as well join her.
Here’s an idea: Why don’t you shove this trashy fic of yours, along with that w^h^o^r^e of a Mary Sue up your ass? The world has no need for such retardation and exhibitionism, least of all by such sacrilegious means as writing an M-rated Mary Sue fic. If you had the slightest semblance of brain cells in your head (I’m assuming you have one), you’d delete this fic and quit writing altogether. A person with your level of talent and artistic skill should take up something better suited to their abilities: like working as a garbage collector. Everything in this story (if it can still be called one) stinks like a month-old corpse in a pit of dead fish. I fail to imagine what kind of thing would have motivated you into writing rot like this, and am predisposed to believe that you’re a wh0re, too: an attention wh0re. I’d be overrating your minute brain if I expected you to understand the gravity of the felony you’ve committed, so suffice it to say that yours is among the sh*ttiest stories ever written in the history of the Slam Dunk category - what the heck? Any category. And this fic has no pertinence to the series at all, save for a few sporadic mentions of Rukawa’s name. Honestly, if you want attention that badly, you should consider publicizing your licentious affair as your Mary Sue with your cousin and his best friend and take up something such as prostitution for a living.
As for your other reviewers... Well, retards review retards. Intelligent people flame retards. ‘Nuff said.
But they are so snooty even though they're totally banging her :(. Why would she put up with that? I think she should try to get back at them, lol. Oh, she should put tobasco sauce in their jock-straps! Or at least Mori's. I actually kind of like Ken! He's much calmer and nicer than that bastard Mori.
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