PLEASE tell me this is parody. I've seen people who were trying to write badly do better than this.

that was good. It was too short though. You need to expian your self alitle more. It has great poteintal. no it just needs to be a heathly story.

I.B.

The ideas are nice but I can't really imagine Lyra just sitting there and crying while girls make fun of her. You should keep writing and trying to improve. Keep trying.

Hi i'm not flaming you i'm just criticising you this story is quite repetitive with some bad spellings and with words which could go. If you maybe sorted this out it may be better and easier to read

You say that mrs couter is evail i must hurt you

Well what can i say...this story just plain sucks. My cousin and I spent a whole two hours trying to figure out whether or not this so called "story" is a parody. First of all, grammar child. Grammar! The writing development was...well...UNDEVELOPED! The details were kind of bland and boring (fifth grader-ish). Very choppy and well...rickety shaky. The ending was...cheesy. The entire work was predictable in some parts and stupid in others. You completely murdered Phillip Pullman's wonderful masterpiece. I'm scarred for life because of this. Do everyone a favor and destroy your damn computer. This kind of privilege should not be placed in such inexperienced hands. But hey, if this writing thing doesn't work out, you can always find a career in novel sabotage.

HAHAHAH! this was a HILARIOUS parody! Wait...was it meant to be a parody? It..it WASN'T? Really? Well...LoL...then...hate to say it but...THIS SUCKED! But very funny. How old are you? Shouldn't you know how to um...SPELL?

And the grammar...don't EVEN get me STARTED. If I DO get started I might be critisizing your grammar for the rest of my life. And..don't you think you're going a bit too far with the whole group watching television and seeing Mrs. Coulter about to be crowned Queen? AND WHY in the name of all things sensible and smart has Lord Asriel become a "scary clerk" at an out of time and place KNIFE STORE? And Why did he die? Geez! Seriously reconsider your writing! I'm 11 and even I can do MUCH better than your story. Ahem...I'm ranting aren't I? Yes, I am. Well, everyone needs to know their faults. I'm trying to HELP you...and the rest of the world that reads this story...well...happy writing!

i resnt this im not cers wonderlinf. she rites dity horribl story's. i hate her stories they are fowl she kiled lyra.

-snicker- Good job, Ceres. By the way, you're Daisy, aren't you? I knew it. -snickers again- You've gotten quite a nice little thing going here - speaking for her mother, too, I'm guessing! Wow. I really have to give you credit, though. I suppose there's a possibility that I'm wrong, but ... I'm not that dumb. ;)

Top be perfectly honest, I thought this fanfic was quite possibly the most fantastic I have read on this page and therefore - seeing as this is where nearly all HDM fanfic is - on the web. It simply made me want to cry at the end. It was so sad! I wish I knew how Daisy got her ideas! Having W L meet the queen was inspired. Haven't heard much from Daisy lately - I hope she hasn't been put off by your critisism, and I hope she'll write some more.

Well done daisy, we enjoyed your story. how old are you?

Daisy, though this piece did have plenty of kinks in it, I believe it had a good base to it. I also believe your writing will improve immensely if you simply keep at it. It would also help if you read as much as possible. The best way to teach yourself how to write is to read everything that you can grab. I would begin with re-reading some of your favorites. Pay close attention to the point of view that each story is written in. Observe how different authors use different styles to show emotion and catch a readers attention. Then you can pick one style and try it out on your own original work. Keep it up, Daisy. You'll do just fine.

Sorry, but this was choppy and irrational. 'Angels don't like soda'? What in the world is up with that? It makes no sence. (*Mutters to self- angels and soda... sheesh...*)

And 'mom', you defending your daughter is not the right thing to do. Maybe you could, if you wanted to help her somehow, read her stories with her and help with errors, or give her a quick lesson on grammer. Sticking up for her may be touching, but it only gives you the titles of 'over-protective' and 'interfering'.

A couple things in this fic were Ok, and others were just plain wrong. Please, both of you, try to evise this. Don't be scared away by negitive reviews, embrace them and learn. That's the only way it will work.

Other than the profusion of spelling and grammar errors, this actually wasn't as bad as many of the reviewers below made it out to be.

that was good