*Clearing throat* All I can say about this is... Bhahahahahahahaha!
What fun. It's so very high school girlish. Terribly tangential. Btw, I love tangents.
You know, I never thought how I would react to seeing a fairy at the nearby store. I would probably believe I was looking at a child, too. Glad you've given me this thought to consider in advance, so that I can be more prepared for the meeting. :)
Couple of things I saw:
"Alan is one of the rare people who actually do talk to me", should be "does" talk to me. Have to ignore the prepositional phrase "of the rare people."
“You,” she said sharply, pointing her finger at her, “are a very rude man!” Do you mean, "pointing her finger at 'him'?"
Belinda's whole soliloquy at the end was enough to concern me about her sanity. Good work! - M.T.
Talk about dramatic openings! What an awful fairy to entrust with your destiny! I know I would be terrified to back out of it if I were Elizabeth, it seems that the only magic she knows is the kind that leaves people writing on the floor screaming!
I can see Elizabeth definitely needs to convince Belinda that Gregory is the wrong guy, but how? I guess she could try painting him as the complete ignoramus he is and at the same time recommending Alan as an alternative, but she is going to have to be careful not to offend her...the consequences could be deadly!
By the way, I thought it was really clever how you had her stumbling all over her words in chapter one and correcting herself when she thought she was coming across foolishly. It revealed as much about her immaturity and insecurities as her actually words did. A good technique.
It boggles the brain. You have a fabulous style and flair with words. sigh I think I'll be deleting mine now and sticking to reading everyone else's. The talent in this flipping site is overwhelming. You are just the icing on the cake my good sir. Art, it is perfectly art. Now to continue...
As mentioned before, the line repetition at the beginning. I'm beginning to suspect it has something to do with the document title on Word, but I'm not exactly sure how to rid myself of it...
Ha, accidental laugh. Kills you every time.
"'You don’t believe me, do you?'
I nodded.
'Is that a yes or a no?'
I shrugged." *chuckle*
Minor correction:
"But that exploding trashcan certainly looked real," (18th paragraph, not including the line repeat) Tiny typo: replace the comma with a period.
"Anyway Greg is a no. Not even a maybe. Or a Sort of. Or a preferably not. Greg is a 'You’re going to have to kill me first!'" I love it.
"Belinda giggled again in that sugary coated voice that would have sent shivers down the spine of even a serial killer." Another brilliant line.
"...his mother died in a laundry machine accident. Lesson learned: never, ever put gasoline into a laundry machine. It doesn’t make it go faster, it just blows up." I laughed out loud in a room full of people, thanks to that line. *chuckles again* That is entirely too ridiculous NOT to laugh at.
Ew. Puke. That's not a good time. I can't blame her too much, though. *pats Elizabeth on the back and gives her a home made brownie and a club soda* There, there. Just take a few deep breaths, drink the soda to settle your stomach, eat the chocolate, and everything will be okay. Don't worry.
Well. You are the proud owner of the first review I've given for over two months. I've been detestably lax with my reviews, though in my very flimsy defense, not a whole lot of updating has been going on. *wince against barrage* I did say flimsy defense. I'm appallingly behind.
Enough of my reviewing failure. On to my allotment of glaring and scolding.
A new story, Peter? What about Glass Rose...? I see you have writer's block. This had better be helping instead of harming. *glare*
NOW, the review.
Honestly, I didn't like the introduction. I thought it was too choppy, too typical, too... normal. And distracting. But, that is just my opinion - others have said they love it. I just felt compelled to let you know my genuine opinion.
As a point of curiosity, is April 17th a special day to you, or did you pick it out of the air?
Minor corrections:
"Of course I said I like it very much..." (first paragraph) You changed verb tenses: 'like' should be 'liked'.
"Maybe Kidnapped." (6th paragraph) 'Kidnapped' should not be capitalized.
"Well, still I bet if she remarried him it would it a little zest or something." Replace the second 'it' with 'add', and I believe you'll have the effect you were going for. *smile*
This line made me laugh as I was rereading for the review: "But that’s probably not interesting you because you don’t know him, unless you’re one of those girls like me who drool over imaginary guys. Well actually I don’t. Just over Alan. Who’s so perfect he might as well be imaginary." *chuckles again* That's so great.
The lack of consistent sentence structure makes me twitch, but I'm suppressing the instinct to fix everything by reminding myself that this is a narrative, and a narrative by a society-deprived high school girl to boot. Yes. Once I muscle past the editing tendencies, I really do enjoy the narrative. It's very entertaining.
She read Emma! My FAVORITE Austen book... that I've read so far. What a fantastic book.
"He’s really big and sullen looking and can’t say two words to you without sounding like you killed his father and he wants revenge." Ha, great image.
"'What just happened?' I said as soon as I could catch my breath. 'Is he okay? What happened to him? What was that sound?'" Is she asking the girl? If so, why? She's just a little girl in her eyes; how would she know?
Belinda's little ramble near the end reminded me very much of an authoress gone wild. I believe now would be a great time to be frightened.
Whoa. How are you capable of writing a teenage girl in such a fashion? It's a marvelous introduction and the idea seems... absolutely insane. But that's all right.
Ooh, interesting! Elizabeth's view on the story is funny, her personality even shows through the narrations. I'm not sure I like Belinda, though, she's a bit stereotypical, but that's okay! Who doesn't like stereotypical characters?
Also, good job on evading spelling/grammar/punctuation errors! Excellent job so far, keep it up!
This is a bit of a twist. The Heroine is being put through a forced marriage with the beast!
I had to laugh at the Shakespeare and laundry machine accident. They are stupid! I guess this is a lesson to say charming and handsome/buffness aren't the only qualities needed in a Prince 'Charming'. Personally I like Mr. Right better.
Ah, so that's who Gregory is. Poor, poor Elizabeth - but then what can one expect from a fairy godmother who thinks platinum will look good with brown hair?
The first couple of paragraphs, describing the look Belinda gave her, were great and her daydream about Alan.
The first sentence's done that weird doubling thing. And did you mean to change to present tense in "Seriously, is she for real? Well, actually that’s probably not a bad question to be asking. Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist or something"?
This story has made me so happy, right from the very first sentence and the "raging twisted mess of all things maddening" - a truly fabulous group of words.
I adore Elizabeth, she's so brilliantly normal and real. I know from experience I have a tendency to get annoyed at characters who wander about and spend more time commenting on what they're saying than they do actually narrating; but Elizabeth's backtracking I don't mind at all, partly because her is so adorable and charming, and partly because you found a good balance that shows off the hesitancy in her character but doesn't stall the story.
"Gregory"? Who and/or what is 'Gregory', and why is Elizabeth's fairy godmother trying to set her up with him and not Alan? Whoop, drama!
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