PhoenixStargirl, I have to say that this is one of the most confusing stories I've ever read. I have to start with the entire plot of this story: it looks like you really just wanted to write this particular scene and nothing else. The love story between Lucy and Lysander and the plot to take over the Narnian throne makes sense to you, but to me, it was like I opened a book in the middle and began reading from there. If you put in a few more chapters before this one, explaining the relationships and developing the plotline more, it would be a great story.

Another complaint I have is the sentences. They don't flow very well. "Lucy nervously paced her room, letter in hand, at a complete crossroad at what to do." I thought it was a very choppy sentence. I would say, "Lucy nervously paced her room with the letter tightly clenched in her fist. Her mind was at a crossroad, wondering which path was for the better." Or something along those lines. Too many of the sentences are like that in this story. I suggest you get a beta reader to look over your stories before you publish them. A beta reader will also take note of the grammar problems as well.

:( Oh, that was so sad... I really liked your OC. I think you should extend this story, make a prequel or something.

i

This was very good! Some grammar check is needed but otherwise it was very good to read. :]