First time I have read your story, this was utterly awesome. Update when you can I really look forward to seeing some new chapters.

HAI! So yeah, I played that John Ta kid at smash, and he commended me for the beastiness of my Link, but I gotta admit, it's no wonder he pwnt you hard. I'm more experienced, and I showed him a great fight, we played a bunch, not sure who won more, it was about half and half. But when we did teams, me and Dys picked up the pace and WRECKED them. if you'd like to say hi, mail me@


PS: having fun at school this year? =P

DUDE!

I loved this story. SO freaking much. I'm just euphoric. That's probably the wrong emotion, but its too late at night in my part of the world to worry about that. You know, after 2 am, everything is hilarious. NVM.

Still, I think you did a really amazing thing with this so far. I confess to REALLY hating those stories where the main characters fall in love with each other right off the bat. Really. It just isn't any fun if nobody gets beat up a little (or a lot, I have no objections ;P) at the start. So this is like... something REALLY good... ice cream... or M&Ms... yeah... for me.

I adore your plot (so far) and your characters. You put a perfect ammount of description in, so I can visualize EVERYTHING, but in a way that it's never boring.

I just really had to let you know... 'cause I think you're super. ♥ YAY!

I can't wait for you to write more!

P.S. I totally agree with you - we need Rockband fanfics! That would just make my LIFE. Not based on other stories, but actually Rockband the game... Oh... *sparkley*

awesomeness work mate continue plz i want to see wut else happens

good story

Ha. This chappie made me laugh. How embahrassing! Especially for the all mighty Altair, that's definately going to wound his pride and make him snappy. Lol. Good work.

Ok, i just figured out that you've disabled your PM thingo. No idea why, but now I'll tell you what I was going to say before in the PM. This isn't a flame. Just some helpful advice. K. Here we go, this is going to be long . . . .

CRITICISM: Your writing style is good, BUT it lacks descriptive terms and there isn't much detail put into what the characters are feeling and thinking. I know, it's easier to just say that they're pissed or sad or jealious, BUT if you want to make your writing impact on the reader, then you need to FORCE them to understand exactly what's happening to your character, how that character is reacting to whats happening and how everyone else is reacting to what that characters reaction is. Am i confusing you yet? Lol.

eg - instead of saying Malik is jealious, SHOW people that he is jealious by making him act petty and making snide remarks about Altair. And, in return, instead of saying Altair is pissed, show that by making him glare at Malik or include some biting remark in his thoughts.

The one thing that i always used to have a hard time remembering was that your not talking about a story, your telling a story. Yes, there's a difference. If you use you usual dialogue like I am now, your readers are bound to get bored or tired of the repettitiveness. Trust me, some of my earlier fics were crap and I found out the hard way. What you wanna do is paint a scene in their heads and show them everything that's happening at that moment in time. Like a movie.

I hope this helps. And I'm sorry I'm not a beta.

Hey! This is good. Really original, i don't think even I could think of such a cool character. Props to you for a crazy imagination!

From here on I'll review each chapter after I read it.

Oh, and I'm sending you a PM to give you a full review and some pointers, too.

Ur killing me D-Tect. Anyway good chap. Cant wait for more

Ok uhh... people, you need to review this NOW! ShadowFox, you're okay. You're ALWAYS the first one to review EVERYTHING! (And I appreciate it)

Well, I take that last sentence back. Three-four chapters in and the "Mary Sue Identification Radar" exploded.

Yes, let's insert an ORIGINAL female lead who both outsmarts, outwits, outclasses, outstrengths, or somehow almost famouslyhumiliates or foils the usually heroic or often authroess-imagined somehow corrupted deeds of the original male or female protagonist.

Please don't take this personally, I'm not saying later chapters can't be good, but your first chapter has reminded me of this "great story" concept, the very same concept I have seen many times on this damn site, and it pisses me off every time.

I hate Templars. Excellent chapter. Your vocabulary knows no bounds. Anyway I wadnt able to get around to delivering those messages nor did I catch the vids. Sorry. Gr8 now I feel bad. Enough of my whining though, this turning out to be a gr8 story.

I can't believe that this story doesn't get enough chapters... It's wonderful :)

But wow, the updates are long awaited though... But I'm not complaining, your writing is really good, which is really nice to see nowadays.

Anyway, update any time, just keep up the awesomeness.

DAMN! That frickin sick! I really like the interrogation. 10/10

Hehehehe...Um I hate cliffies? No i kid. This was very good. Though the sentence strutre was confusing at times i really like where this b going. Kepp it up
"PWN N OWN" ~SF0324