why did ya stop, I like this story

oh this i gotta read, keep up the good work! update soon! ^W^

was awesome a few little things could be better but oh well, i love the story :D keep em coming please XD

~sk4rd

I really like your story! But I want another girl for Satoshi Hiwatari. n_n

It's a good start. If you're looking for advice, here's a little bit:

Some of your wording is a little awkward, and your phrasing tends to get a bit repetitive. Here's an example:

' "You're too close Satoshi!" Risa said, reminding Satoshi that he's too near. '

Try to avoid redundancy as much as possible. Other than that, it's great, and I'll be watching for the next chapter. :)

Well, first off, I would like to say that I have never encountered a plot similar to this before involving Satoshi and Risa. Maybe that's because I have only been reading DN Angel fan fiction for 2 1/2 years now, and the majority of the fandom consists of yaoi/shounen-ai pairings. It's good to see that there are a few exceptions.

So, congrats to the original plot. However, I understand that you have a lot to learn...in the grammar area. When you type, you needn't be so blunt about things. Incase you don't know what I mean, I'm saying that it is a bit of a turn off when a reader is going through the story, and the author plainly states what the character is feeling and why certain things were said or done. It is banal, which every story should lack.

Also, I believe a wide multitude of sentences could be worded better, get a comma or two, correct a few spelling mistakes, and so forth. You put the dialogue too close to eachother; the main example being the conversation between Risa and Satoshi right at the end of the chapter. It would be easier if you separated them with just a simple tap of the enter key. That way, the reader doesn't have to deal with the frustration.

Besides the dialogue being placed too close together, you do not describe Risa's surroundings efficiently. For example, when she is giving her little speech about regretting her comment to Satoshi in the beginning of the fic, it is revealed at the last moment that she is saying this whilst standing infront of a mirror. You must elaborate on where she was before she started speaking. Is she in the girl's bathroom? Is she at home? Be more descriptive.

Some paragraphs can be broken down into smaller ones, as they concern different subjects. And when Satoshi is talking, make his sentence completely separate from Risa. It is confusing to have dialogue from two different people in just one paragraph.

This isn't a flame, rather, it's constructive criticism. So rest assured, I did like the first chapter to this story. I adore the Sat/Risa pairing more than I can say, and I love reading other stories that depict it.

Oh, yeah. If you want a beta for this story, I would be happy to edit it for you.

Happy Writing.