Brilliant

I would critique, but I checked review before mine and that pretty much caught everything!

You've written something very immersive, I was hard pressed to stop reading and when I reached the end I was angry at myself for reading too fast.

One of the best parts of this (other than Mitsuru being my favourite character and Shinji rapidly climbing the ranks) was the re-readability. I read it once, twice, three times and on the third I finally put all the pieces together. The 'I'm heavy' comment Mitsuru made was absolutely heartbreaking.

However, I don't really understand the 'I died that day.' Am I missing something? I know it obviously isn't a literal death, and I understand the connection between the thin lake of ice, drowning, Penthesilea and growing up.

Other than that, this is certainly one of my P3 favourites.

Very interesting character study - definitely drew me in.

Crit:

1. You're a skilled writer, but that makes your grammar and spelling mistakes all the more noticeable. I'm not perfect there either. One way to clear that up is to get a beta (or two) and/or proofread several times over a period of days before uploading.

2. As beautiful as it is, your prose sometimes feels overburdened or simply too exaggerated to me: "Immediately, she peeled back the heavy layers of blankets which she had piled on and felt the entirety of the cold sweat which she was currently bathing in." - awkward phrasing. "sweltering hell of her fever" - feels a shade over the top to me. Also, I recommend you ease up on adverbs. Some are fine, but you shouldn't rely on them to get your point across. They're often just filler words.

3. "I died that day..." This feels unexplained to me, though I may have missed something. I know it's not literal, but...what is it, then?

End crit.

I think you chose an excellent symbol to work with and expressed it well throughout the piece - it really carries the prose. You also show good flexibility with the ice metaphor - coldness, distance, fragility, freezing to death, melting - the fever is a great touch there. Also Shinjiro's lighter - I missed that on my first read-through.

Characterization-wise, it was refreshing to see these two brought beyond the game's comfort zone. Mitsuru's close to delirious, Shinjiro has to deal with her, and they're two characters who have a shared history but don't often interact in the game. Mitsuru can't command the situation and Shinjiro can't walk away. Nicely done.

I especially liked the details you added to Shinjiro - the smoking, restlessly fingering the cigarette, chewing the inside of his mouth. It rounds out his character well.

The pacing is very good - slow enough to build the scene but still with an undercurrent of tension.

The backstory - another great addition. I could definitely see Mitsuru do that as a child.

I talked about some of your prose being unwieldy, but other times it's quite beautiful - "the cold seemed to make her look especially distant and gaunt"; "austere clarity": "I cannot turn back a pendulum"; "Mitsuru's voice was soft and raw." It's simple but effective.

Finally, the dynamic among Mitsuru and her personas is a startling touch - not something supported by the game - but you've built the story sufficiently that it works. It isn't discordant; it's a surprising twist that works well.

Anyway, I hope you didn't mind the in-depth editing. You're quite good, so I figured a short review wouldn't be as helpful.

Wow, this was pretty intense. Love how you showed the manifestation of Mitsuru's persona (if you can call it that... XD) and your writing is as brilliant as always.

I noticed a typo, though; you mispelt exercise.