Well, I've read up to chapter six and I have to say that I like this story so far.

All the characters are interesting and unique(especially Bai Mao), you've got a pretty good sense of humor, and there is plenty of mystery to keep the reader going. I especially liked chapter five in particular for your portrayal of Rieji's desperation and chapter six's airbending-invisability-thing-a-majiger. Very cool.

If I had any problems, I'd say that I don't like the alternative calender/day system. Don't get me wrong, it's appreciated that you stick to Avatar's asian aesthetic, but I have bad memory and have to flip back to the prologue every time I want to know the exact date. Also, Rieji seems almost more trouble than she's worth, which makes me wonder why Yamato hasn't done away with her yet. And if I really wanted to get picky, I'd question as to why the Ba Sing Se legal system is so distinctly democratic American, but I digress.

Overall, it's a good story so far and I look forward to reading the rest.

It's been I while since I read this man. Must say this chapter's a lot funnier than the other ones, I enjoyed the humor.

Can't wait for more.

I figured before I started beta-ing, I needed to review this chapter first. But as I'm kind of short on time, I'm just going to stick to the things that stuck out to me the most.

First up, the altercation between Takano and Qiao. It might just be Takano's personality, but he took an *awful* lot of "back sass" (as my mother would call it) from Qiao. If it were Ozai and Azula, I would've expected Ozai to have slapped her across the mouth about two minutes into it. Maybe that's their relationship - Takano's a doting father to Qiao but a ruthless war lord to everyone else. Still, allowing servants to see such impudence and insubordination would not have been very smart.

Now the other things. I don't think I much care for the shifting POVs -- it reads like you were trying to mimic a visual medium, like a movie or TV show -- but you shouldn't have to do that for writing. But, then again, I don't much care for the very premise of the back-and-forth. The chapter was pretty much an info-dump. I'm afraid I couldn't even follow most of the backstory, because I would zone out on several of the sections. Remember that people don't like to read other people narrating stories. There's no action in it. It's really quite dull. If you really want to tell their backstory all in one big lump, then you should probably do a flashback. I, however, would recommend instead that you just let hints of their mutual past drop over time, leaving some to the imagination rather than outlining every detail of their interactions.

Only a couple of other, very minor things: a manacle's not a bracelete, but a shackle. And it's "for all intents and purposes" not "intensive purposes" ;)

As for good points, I do like the fact that Rieji and Bai Mao parted ways over something minor. It's not melodramatic or overwrought - instead, it's realistic. And I do like how Qiao is now recognizing that Rieji should die. Keep up with that.

To let you know, I'm back from my incredibly long hiatus and now able to start reading again.

Being said, this is probably going to be a short review, just because I'm about twenty reviews behind on several other stories, too. I've already told you how much I like Takeo, and that holds true for this chapter, too. I like the fact you don't play around with the UST between Takeo and Bai Mao - in fact, Takeo is quite upfront with how she feels about him. I think that adds to why I like her so much.

This new character - Toshi. I think he's new, because I don't recall if he showed up in the previous chapters (though I admit, my reading has been protracted at best). I have to reserve judgment on him until later, when we see more of him.

As for concrit, note how many scene breaks you have in this chapter. From what I can judge, you don't even need the vast majority of them. Scene breaks are supposed to denote changes in time or changes in POV. Here, they're not really necessary. You end one scene with them deciding it's time to leave the restaurant and begin the next scene a few minutes later when they actually leave. There's not enough time, nor is there a POV change, to warrant that. If you took the break out altogether, it'd read the same. So keep an eye out for that.

Good job on keeping out needless info dumping! But also remember that people don't speak long sentences about their history. For instance, Takeo said, "My father ran away when he was young. He was tired of everything being handed to him on a platter, and left to make his own life. Everything we have is because of his diligence and hard work. He started from nothing and built his way up.” That’s quite a mouthful (and quite an info-dump), especially when coupled with Takeo’s previous long backstory quote on Toph. Notice that even you have a hard time figuring out how to move the conversation from there (Bai Mao remarks on the awkward silence, which I would wager is due only in part to their changing relationship. Taking a note from his friend’s psychology book, this reads to me like a glimpse into your subconscious mind). That’s because you’re aware that Takeo’s dialogue is simply to fill the reader in, without naturally flowing with the conversation. So it seems awkward to you, as it does to Bai Mao, and an uncomfortable subject-changing silence sets in.

It’s always important to watch your characters’ actions through you. If they don’t think a story element makes sense, you might make them note how it makes no sense—that means it makes no sense to *you* and you need to fix it. You might have them react quite violently to another character, or be confused over a certain plot detail. These all might be reflections of your own emotions about the work itself, and you need to analyze them as a way to better understand how your readers will react to your work, too.

Turned out longer than I thought it would! Looking forward to hearing from you.

Well, it sounds like you want me to be brutal! And, unfortunately, this is the first chapter I really can be brutal on. So I'll start with the good points, first...

I like the background you give on Yamato. At first, I was hard pressed to believe that he could really be 750 years old, and I still find that a little hard to buy. But you did an excellent job of describing how he mastered every fighting technique and so moved on to collecting weapons. The section about how he amassed an army was a little confusing - you first imply that the population is *enormous*, but in the next sentence, you retract that statement. You gotta decide exactly how many troops he's accumulated and say that -- don't exaggerate the numbers with statements like "vast empire," even if you amend that statement a moment later; it's misleading and, again, a little confusing.

Now the bad points (already kinda started on them), as I notice them:
Bai Mao’s statement of “Promise me that I’m the only one allowed to make you cry” isn’t very romantic or inspiring. I know that you were going for Bai Mao telling her to be strong, but there, it actually implies that he can and *will* make her cry. And he is insisting that she allow it. Which sounds pretty jerky. So I’d change that.

Good catch on Rieji not wolfing down her food after going that long without it. However, if Keola is a waterbender who is given enough water to heal with, I’m wondering why a) she’s never used this to escape, and b) why guards have never realized that she might use this to escape. There’s a reason the Fire Nation tied up all the captured waterbenders in the series.

Nice transition from exposition to current timeline. I liked how you incorporated Yamato’s backstory—that’s very hard to do without info-dumping. However, you place the three right outside his chamber, which makes me wonder how the heck they got there. They act as if from now, it’s going to get really dangerous, but I’d think that the trip to Yamato’s chamber would’ve been ridiculously dangerous, already. Second point, why is Rieji going through this much trouble for a dagger? I thought she wanted a weapon, but she apparently went past a whole bunch of finer weapons for the dagger. It probably has sentimental value, but is the sentimentality really worth the life of her two friends? I’ve got a few material possessions I might risk my life over, but I would *never* risk someone else’s. Third point, after they’re captured, Qiau let loose a string of questions, which Rieji answered “in order.” That’s *really* confusing – I’d either leave off half the questions or have her answer by rephrasing the questions as she goes. Otherwise, you force the reader to go back and read all the questions again to figure out which one she’s answering, and that pulls us out of the story.

But, really, all of that is pretty minor. My *main* problem this chapter is with Rieji. Yamato calls her “strong and beautiful” – a little bit Sue-ish, but nothing I have much of a problem with. Same goes for her selfless sacrifice at the end – again, a bit Sue-ish, but I’m not bothered so much by it. I think the big issue is that she’s essentially broken into his stronghold, back-talked to him, and been a general pain in the rear – all of which she’s done after being starved for three days. An appropriate response would be just to have her disposed of. After all, there is no law saying he has to keep her alive. I can understand his desire to break her, but at this point, it’s almost too much trouble, and as someone who’s on the wrong end of 500, he should be smart enough to know that by now. After all, he had to get into power somehow.

Still not the biggest issue. The *biggest* issue, by far, is the fact that Rieji went crazy at the end, killed a few guards, nearly choked Qiau, and then led herself to prison. This is a big deal for several reasons: a) Yamato and/or Qiau should’ve killed her right there. If she is able to do that with five people literally breathing down her neck, she can do a lot worse if she goes without supervision, and they can’t afford it. Plus she just killed guards. Guards are not easy to come by. b) The fact that she could easily overtake them, combined with the couple of things I mentioned above, is what makes her a Sue. Especially the bit about leading herself to jail. c) why the heck was she stupid enough to lead herself to jail?? The reason they should’ve killed her is because she should be easily capable of escaping, if she did that amount of damage. So now I’m wondering *why* she isn’t escaping. It makes her look daft, if all of the turmoil she’s inflicted is over a dagger and not, say, a boat.

But otherwise, I had no problem with the chapter! ;) There were a few grammatical errors, some misspelled words. Also, you need to work on your paragraphs – you tend to shove a lot of unrelated information into one mega paragraph. Not every time, but occasionally.

Anyway, I hope all the above is what you wanted!

This chapter was rather short, too. We're finally introduced to Rieji, who actually seems like a pretty strong female lead! I like Takeo, but I'm thinking I like Rieji, too. Certainly, I'm intrigued about the kind of situation she's in -- how she ended up here, and what exactly "here" is. Yamato is Qiau's father? When you had said he was over 700 years old, I was expecting it to be a character we'd known in the series, but Yamato doesn't sound familiar. Perhaps there's another surprise in store for us regarding his character.

I don't have much constructive criticism to offer, as this chapter just a little too short for it. More than anything, though, I'm interested in finding out more on what exactly is going on.

Sorry for taking such a long time to continue reviewing. I can't begin to say how busy I've been.

Fortunately, this was a short enough chapter that I don't feel entirely lost. So we get a quick "cameo" by Toph, as well as an idea of what happened to her after she grew up! For some reason, I like the idea of Takeo being descended from Toph. Might be because I like Takeo as a character.

There's obviously a complicated history between Reiiji and Bai Mao, but it might take some time for that story to come out completely. Until then, I have to say that I like how you're taking the relationship between Bai Mao and Takeo slowly (or perhaps even hinting that there won't be a relationship at all). It makes the story feel more organic.

Finally getting a chance to review chapter 2 (chapter 3 now!) The flashback is interesting, in that we get to see how Takeo and Bai Mao met. I think, more interesting than that, though, is the introduction of Mikado Bei Fong -- a likely descendent of Toph's family, I'm guessing! I like how you use the serendipity of Bai Mao's rescue of Takeo to bring Mikado to Bai Mao's own rescue. I also liked the idea of the trial to bring out more of Bai Mao's history.

As for critique, only thing is that I feel, at this point, backstory might slow your story down. You're just getting started, and so readers aren't yet invested enough in the characters to have a whole chapter of flashback. I haven't read Chapter 4 yet, so I can't say if this breaks the flow or actually goes with it; I'll certainly comment on it in the next review.

Also, again, keep an eye on Bai Mao. His ability to overcome a drunk man is kind of believable, but the fact that he's still a kid at this point makes it a little more difficult, especially with the soldiers he managed to surprise. I wish that we could've seen Mikado's possibly "leet" attorney skills, but you do acknowledge that he simply didn't get a chance to show them off. Hopefully, in the future, he will!

I was a little baffled to discover chapter 1 has now become chapter 2! But I do appreciate you having this prologue here, not only for the calender mentions (which would be important for someone like me, who doesn't know Japanese), but for also explaining how Bai Mao is a firebender in an earthbending community.

I think you did a very good job of glamorizing the ordinary! And that might not sound like much of a compliment, but it is. Just by the way you described Bai Mao's life and what he was going through, you easily imparted exactly what Takeo pointed out -- his consistent routine. Not only that, but you had an captivating way of writing it. Most of the time, a reader could get bored with the mundane, but you somehow made it interesting.

The only thing, though, is that if you bury something exciting within the mundane, it becomes a little mundane itself. His memories of Rieji didn't seem quite so traumatizing or overwhelming, simply because it was sandwiched between getting dressed and going to work. So keep that in mind when you're writing something suspenseful.

Another thing is to be careful with Bai Mao. This is the first chapter, of course, and I'm not forming any opinions, but try not to make him have too many talents. Also, he responded rather violently to Takeo, talking about his horrible past, and that's usually something to be avoided so early in the story. Make the reader work for their angst. ;)

Last thing, though: The last sentence of the chapter looks like a repeat from a sentence earlier. I think you might've missed it in review. Otherwise, good job! Interesting beginning to an original story!

interesting change in this chapter ;)
i really love what you did with Reiji's
character, awesome work ;D
i can't wait to read the next chapter ;)
keep it up :D

okay, i don't mind at all that you're
starting over, and you can be sure that
you'll keep getting reveiws from me :P
keep up the awesome work :) i hope to read
more soon :)