   Moiranne Rose
2009-10-09 . chapter 1Hello.
You seem to have wanted a review, from your above author note, and since I was passing through...well, let's just say I have time to do this stuff on Saturdays. I'll apologise first, if this review makes you sad, angry or want to kill me, because sometimes I do come off harsher than I mean. I'm hoping you're prepared for a full-blown critique, because that's what I'm going to give you.
Okay, so let's start off.
Your start...It's not punchy enough. Had I not been trawling through random archives, I would never have stumbled into this page and read it all the way through. I feel as though you have the potential to make this story fly, but so far, it's gliding about...a foot off the ground.
"A young woman lay on a bed in an apartment block made from the remaining materials of the aftermath of Midgar, her long reddy brown hair messily lay over face, as she moved around on the bed from the burning sensation on her forehead and left hand."
This sentence, as your start, should make sure that you draw your readers in. But it drags on for so loonng that I ended up skipping through the entire thing and losing some details. If you lose them here...well, it's quite sad. Make sure you polish this one up. It makes for a better starting that way.
"Geo stigma"-->Geostigma. I haven't seen it spelled as two words before, so I don't think that's canon-compliant.
"a virus that had effected millions since meteorfall"-->"a virus that had affected millions since the Meteorfall". With all the lowercase, it looks very drab and boring and the spelling error did not help.
"She was suffering from Geo stigma, a virus that had effected millions since meteorfall, many thought it was infectious so they avoided those who had it, so many kids lived on the street because of it, she however knew better and knew it wasn’t infectious in fact she’d suffered far worse."
Only one question after this. Why are all your paragraphs single sentences? The sentences are so long and draggy that you've lost me by the second paragraph. It's hard to do this balance well, the short and the long sentences, so I suggest you get a beta, because this story doesn't look like it's found a good beta. Or at least, I see none credited anywhere.
"Doing her best to ignore the pain in her left hand and the headache she was suffering from the stigma on her forehead which was covered by a bandage, she staggered to the door “hello whos there?” she asked peering out of the apartment to see who had knocked, oddly no one was there."
Still the same issues as the above, I'll save you the pain of reading through it again. But for this one, your dialogue is ill-placed. It makes it seem as though her staggering to the door causes someone (identity unknown) to speak and say "hello whos there", which, I'm sure, isn't your intention. This paragraph, after splitting up the clauses and correcting the grammar/spelling/punctuation...
"Doing her best to ignore the pain in her left hand, along with the headache, she stumbled to the door. "Hello? Who's there?" she asked, peering out of the apartment, to see if anyone was there. No response."
Something like that.
Okay, I've bored you long enough, and I'm not even at the half way mark of your story. I like your ideas, but the execution is quite...lacking at the moment. As I go along, there are more and more errors, errors a beta should be able to pick up on. Since I'm assuming you haven't got a beta, I'll make you an offer. I'll be your beta, since I've gotten more time these days. You can check my profile for an email to use, and send me your chapters.
However, I hope that you'll take the time to look over your chapters before sending them to me. That's the least that I expect. Or else, I'll throw it back at you and refuse to beta it until you do so. You should have pride in your writing, that way, I know that I'm helping someone who actually wants to help herself, or else, that just defeats the purpose of me helping, yeah?
See you around.
MR
(PS: You might also want to send the chapters you've already posted to me as well, since they need some work too.) |
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