So do you realize that almost the entire chapter was taken right out of the second episode? It's just not very creative. Although the ending had some of your writing in it, I just hope that you can take the story somewhere else, away from the episode and into your own creative world. Otherwise it's a lost cause. Good luck. :)

please continue im really interestedin this!

interesting start. But one issue I have (and I HOPE and ASSUME that this will only happen in the first chapter) is that almost the whole chapter was taken almost directly from the actual show-with very few changes. In the very last part you let your creativity show, and that was really good. But I wish there was more of it. Anyway, this is not intended as a flame-just constructive ideas. update soon!